You wanna ask us what?!

Ok guys, Melrose was a repeat on Tuesday night, which we were very happy to hear. Amanda has been on the warpath since her return, and both of us have been doing our best to get out of her way, even so much as to borrow some of Kimberly's wigs to disguise ourselves! So because there's no recap this week, we thought we'd answer a few questions about our thoughts on Melrose Place 2.0.

Q:It's no secret that you are not big fans of Jonah and Vile-it, but that aside, which character could you really do without?

E: For me it's Auggie. I know 'A' thinks he's sex on legs, but aside from the fact that he's easy on the eyes, he's dull. So he works at spiffyShooters and had a bit of a drinking problem... Big deal. There's nothing to set him apart from the others except for the fact that he shagged Sydney. I'm really glad that they're writing him out of the show, because aside from possibly splitting up Jonah and Riley, he's been a colossal waste of space.

A: Definitely Daveyboy. The resident 'bad boy goes good for pretty young girl' is more that a bit of a yawn and feels very Jake-and-Alison or Jake-and-Sydney or Jake-and-Jo....you get the drift. He might have played better having been Jake's son (as was originally planned) but his presence leaves Doc Mancini without balls and I need my Doc Mancini with big balls. Plus he's as dumb as a box of hair. Sandra O runs into him on a boat full of hookers and she catches him out stealing, only for Ella to twig that Sandra O is in fact a hooker and was on said boat full of hookers with Daveyboy....I mean come on!

Q: After originally turning down the offer to come back, Heather Locklear finally stretched her face tight enough to feel comfortable appearing on television again. Do you think her come-back worth the hype?

A: Hell yeah! In all honesty, the episode was the best to date and that's saying a lot because Sydney wasn't even in it! There was no hesitation in Amanda's return...click click click of the heels and BAM! Out comes a torrent on one-liners that even made Alison's "You bleach blonde piece of dirt" speech seem tame! Amanda was and is 'Melrose Place' hell. One of the promotional posters from 1.0 was nothing but a close-up of Amanda's face with the words "Mondays are a Bitch" printed right in the middle. Should we have waited this long for her to return? Perhaps not. A lot of press focused in on Heather saving Melrose 1.0 and with her return at a pivotal time in 2.0's life-span took focus away from the return of Amanda and put it on Heather being able to save the show. Anyway, having Amanda back allows us to count how many episodes it takes before the black roots start to show!

E: Ugh. What are you talking about, A? Sure, Amanda's a fun watch, but it kind of belittles all the other actors and actresses who were on the original. Heather always got more credit than she was due. From her 'Special Guest Star' status for a ridiculous seven whole seasons, right through to the people who credited her with saving the original show, when people hear 'Melrose Place', they think Heather Locklear.

The original Melrose, however, was always a mediocre show with an exceptionally talented, yet hopelessly undervalued cast. It's hardly a coincidence that so many of its cast-members have worked solidly since appearing on the show, while other cult-TV actors have come and gone. If the new show's writers would just give the original cast members some decent scripts, then this would be must-see TV. I'd pay good money to see Laura Leighton have a quality on-screen meltdown and Daphne Zuniga go off the rails. They're incredible actresses. I mean, have the producers not seen Daphne Zuniga's Nip/Tuck episode? That was nothing short of phenomenal. And, on that note, with all the horrendous plastic surgery and Botox, it's not like Heather can really act anymore. It's mostly a delivery of her lines, and that might just as well be delivered on radio. The other actors, however, are in their mid-forties, look stunning, and could act the socks off of most well written scripts that would land on their laps. Why don't the powers that be realise this?

Q: Jane, Jo, Sydney, Michael and Amanda have all found their way back to the mother-ship that is Melrose Place. Which 1.0 character do you feel needs to come back home?

E: Two words: Alison Parker. Since the demise of Ally McBeal, Courtney Thorne-Smith has been stuck in shitty sitcom hell. It's time she got down with her bad-ass side again. Plus, her novel was remarkably readable. I'd almost be inclined to bring her on as a staff writer as well...

A: I was going to say Coop, you know, before I remembered he was a dead-horse character that was boring then and would be boring now, so I am gunning for Alison who should then bring Jake tagging along. Alison could replace the soon-to-be-AWOL Auggie as the drunk and disorderly resident, and her return could also include some kick-ass flashbacks with alcoholic Sydney, the two of them tearing up the town on a mother of a bender! Ahh I can see it now...hitting Vegas, crashing a Whitehouse party, being photographed getting out of a limo with no underwear on and partying it up with Paris and Britney....it'd be nothing but class with those two!

E: MILFs by day; drunken middle-aged party sluts by night. This show could kick Cougar Town's arse.

Q: The 'guess which T-shirt Jonah has on' game you play could almost be turned into an official drinking game. If you could dress Jonah in any t-shirt you wanted for one episode, what would it look like?

E:

A:

Q: The season opened with a shocking scene: Sydney Andrews face down in the apartment pool (I was hoping she spilled her Manhattan in there and didn't want to waste it) dead as dead can be. It was crushing to say the least. Who do you think did it?

A: I think we are all being blindly led into believing that it was Auggie or Daveyboy or one of the many young cubs that Sydney bedded, and I even read a post by another blogger who believes that the current and boring Mrs. Mancini might have done it (quite plausible) but I have my money on Vile-it. Why? Because it would be awesome if in fact, Vile-it was connected to the cult that kidnapped Sydney back in Melrose 1.0. When Sydney escaped, cult follower Rikki made it clear that they would be "Back to get her" and after discovering that Sydney was in fact, alive and well, the cult brain-wash a poor numb-nut Vile-it into believing Sydney is her mother and she was to be 'punished' for abandoning her. Hey this storyline would get Traci Lords back onto our screens!

E: I'd never even thought about the cult connection. That's genius!

I'm inclined to go with the theory that it's Michael's fembot wife, though. It's a fairly well thought out theory, and would certainly explain why the actress has agreed to appear on the show in what so far has been a thankless role. However, that would also imply that I have some faith in the writers of this show-- I honestly don't. Not really, anyway. They may originally have planned for Michael's wife to be the killer, but what with Ashlee proving herself to be such a shit-tastic actress, Sydney's killer has got to be Vile-it. And somehow, that makes everything twice as bad, because not only are we losing Sydney's awesome hotness, and Laura Leighton's under-rated genius, but we're losing her because of the worst acting to hit our screens since Paris Hilton decided to attempt a film career.

Q: Jane Andrews comes to town to claim ownership of the apartment complex. During her walk-about through Sydney's apartment, we discovered that Sydney owned a grand piano. You have talked about the possibility of Syd doing a 'Fabulous Baker Boys' impression, but in Melrose reality, Syd actually loved playing...

A: Oh Lady Gaga at the AMA's for sure! We all know crazy breeds crazy and it's quite evident that Syd and Gaga have enough crazy to fill an entire..well...crazy hospital! There would be no way Syd would be all Vanessa Carlton on that thing doing lovey dovey smooshey ballads. She'd be all coked up, slamming away on that thing making as much of a scene as possible though I presume Sydney would dress a bit more fashionable for such a performance..well, I guess it depends how coked up she is and if sister Jane can whip her up an outfit to wear!

E: We're obsessed with Lady Gaga and Jane's awful fashion designs here! My problem is that as soon as I combine Laura Leighton and a piano in a scene, I just think of her in Angels, Baby! and what a waste it is that we haven't seen her in a musical lately. So I'm going to say that Sydney likes herself some Stephen Sondheim: "I've run the gamut, A to Z, three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie. I got through all of last year, and I'm here..." Not because Sydney necessarily does, but I'd like to see her pull it off.

Q: Sydney found dead in the opening scene, the disappearance of new land lord Jane Andrews, Ella's choice in fashion designers, Jonah...all things that can be classed as disappointing. For you, the most disappointing thing this season is..

A: First and foremost, it's the complete and utter straightening of Caleb. While it took some time for bi-sexless Ella to get it on with that Sophie Ellis Bextor wannabe, Caleb is reduced to eye flirting with Anton V (gag) and talking about football. Hell even GayMatt from 1.0 managed to have a few sleep-overs with some menfolk! That aside, my true and utter disappointment so far is Vile-it. Well not so much Vile-it, but Ashlee Simpson as Vile-it. As 1.0 fans, we were treated to some awesome crazy thanks to the likes of Kimberly, Sydney and even Eve in season 7. The big question we wanted answered was who was going to be the new psycho in 2.0 and lo-and-behold it's Vile-it with her Auggie obsessed, Sydney is my mother, I'm going to blackmail Doc Mancini crazy which really fell short of the mark thanks to the acting provided. While I think the character is well written and had the possibility of hitting some decent marks, truth be told, Ashlee just wasn't able to cut it acting wise.

E: I'm totally with A on the straightening of the allegedly gay and bi characters. It is so disappointing that in 2009 networks are still running away from depicting gay, lesbian and bisexual characters as anything other than a tired cliche. Why? Are we really that boring and/or scary for the het majority? It's just pathetic. And on this show of all shows...

My biggest complaint, however, is the under utilisation of original cast-members when they have appeared, and the way that they have been written as two-dimensional, bitter, middle-aged men and women. Melrose Place has a very loyal fan-base that has continued long after the original show ended. Fans fondly remember the trashy brilliance that was seasons 2-5. I blame a lot of the initial success of Desperate Housewives on Melrose fans tuning in to see Marcia Cross and Doug Savant share a tv screen again. The producers of 2.0 have failed to capitalize on this and are now paying the ratings price. Pretty young wannabes who can't act their way out of a paper bag, and dull-as-dishwater plot lines don't make for must-see TV. Bringing back Heather, along with Daphne Zuniga, Laura Leighton, Josie Bissett and Thomas Calabro just shows up the young cast as pretty and untalented, and reminds fans of the original why, even at its most ridiculous, the original show was worth tuning in for. Failure to utilise that talent when the cast members do appear is nothing short of repeatedly shooting oneself in the foot.

There's alot coming up in the next few weeks that will give us much to talk about. From a flashback scene involving Sydney and Amanda to Sydney's killer being revealed and the farewell of Vile-it and Chef Auggie to a major 1.0 reunion episode involving Jane, Jo, Doc Mancini and Amanda! Keep watching this place!

Till Wednesday,

A&E