Word on the street is that Melrose Place 2.0 is heading for a major shake-up. As old school Melrose fans, we'd like to suggest the following alternate stories for the second half of season 1, seeing how the powers that be are quickly wrapping up Syd's murder mystery, sending Ashlee to the hills and Augie down to Australia to be A's boytoy.
A series of episode summaries, if you will permit...
episode 12 - SISTER OF MY DISCONTENT
With the news that Vile-it has moved from the complex, the tennants are shocked to discover that Sydney is in fact still alive, faking her death once more to avoid having to do too many scenes wtih Vile-it. Sister dearest Jane Andrews finally finds her way out of her walk-in wardrobe and comes back to fight Sydney over ownership of the complex
Meanwhile, Riley and her rack discover a mysteriously locked basement door in the apartment building. Jonah decides to set up a hidden camera to find out what's really going on.
episode 13 - I'LL BE READY, DON'T YOU FEAR
Ella's got the PR coup of the century: repping David Hasselhoff's stint as American Idol's latest judge. Amanda and her bad roots can barely contain themselves, so she sets out to get Ella fired in the best way she knows how...
David gets caught red-handed stealing a Mapplethorpe print from Jake Gyllenhaal's house. With a dwindling bank account and a father who hates him, he figures he's up shit creek without a paddle. Fortunately for him, Michael's 7th wife has connections.
Sandra O brings some of her hooker business home. To hide her shenanigans from Sydney, she tries to sneak into the basement. The guy plays macho and slams the door down. Fade to black.
episode 14 - I'M FINE, YOU'RE SCREWED
Annie Lennox drowns out an artfully shot sequence of what's hidden in the basement; locked up for nearly ten years are Amanda's secret stash of boxes, bearing the labels "Peroxide", "Mini skirts for Wednesdays", "Peter", "Leopard-print bed sheets", and "Alison's ego".
Sydney's been getting good at playing the art maven since she started sporting a pair of Tina Fey glasses. Unfortunately, career success hasn't helped solve her personal problems. After yet another colossal fight with Jane, she falls off the wagon, and right into Michael's race-car bed.
Episode 15 - THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE PORN BUSINESS
Jonah decides that the only way he's going to make it in the movie business is if he moves into adult films. Sydney offers to put up the start-up capital for his venture. Riley offers to help with her rack.
Unfortunately, things aren't sunny-side up at Jane Andrews Designs. Since she's blackmailed Ella into forcing all her starlets to wear her shitty clothes, business has dwindled and Jane finds herself considering enlisting the help of Lindsay Lohan to create her new fall line.
Episode 16 - GRAND DELUSIONS
Back in doctor-ville, Sandra O is working off her tuition fee payments in one of the hospital's elevators, whilst her ever persistent pimp Kimber scours the UCLA med school for new talent.
Vanity Fair hires Jo to shoot Amanda for their February special: "Power Suits & Black Roots". Ella uses this chance to sabotage the shoot and seduces the retouching department into leaving the photos un-photoshopped.
episode 17 - THE DEVIL WEARS NOTHING
On an impromptu visit to the hospital, Sydney catches Michael giving Sandra O CPR. Distraught, Sydney goes to Jane for advice, only to find her spaced out on Aderall as she throws together her Autumn/Winter collection.
After having been scouted on YouPorn, Jonah films his first major picture. To celebrate, the happy couple decide to move their bath-tub into the living room.
Still seething with rage at Michael's low standards, Syd locks Michael into his own office and shows him why she really is a MILF.
And that's all for now.
Much love,
A & E
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