WATCHING EPISODE THIRTEEN...

My oh my! This poor blog is probably feeling like Vile-it did before she arrived at Melrose Place: abandoned and forgotten about. Like Vile-it's mother Sydney, we had better things to do in the mean-time, like Vodka and coke (a-cola!). But all good things and hiatuses must come to an end, so here we are, back and refreshed from our stint at Camp "No More Victims" (thanks for the recomendation Kimberly) and ready to bitch about episode 13!

"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."

A: What do we have here?

E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.

A: In Syd's dreams!

E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.

E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.

A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!

E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.

A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!

E: Rack is calling Jonah.

A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.

E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.

A: She needed to work that rack more!

E: That's a lot of phone calls.

A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"

E: No one did.

A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.

E: He must have a really great voice mail message.

A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."

E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"

A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?

E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!

A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.

E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.

A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?

A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!

E: Fugly shoes!

A: Wha?! Seriously?

E: They are so dire!

A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!

E: This calls for a drink!

A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque

E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!

A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.

E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.

A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!

A: Ella has sex hair.

E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.

A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?

E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.

A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.

A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.

E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"

A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.

E: We are offended in general.

A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.

E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.

A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.

A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.

E: Now that's some talent!

E: Ella is playing party planner.

A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.

E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!

A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.

E: And a mighty short one at that.

A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.

A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?

E: Dying her roots.

A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!

E: Where's Michael?

A: Crying over Sydney.

E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?

A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!

A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!

E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.

A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.

E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.

A: Or just buried.

E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.

A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.

A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.

E: Jo, Kim

A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..

E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.

E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?

A: Oh totally busted!

E: Ella's dress is bangin'

A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.

E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"

A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"

E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.

E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!

A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...

E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."

A: "over and over and over again."

E: Ella is drunk

A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.

E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.

A: Shot down!

E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.

A: Unlike Sandra O.

E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!

A: Jonah wants in.

E: 3-way?

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.

A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!

E: *Throws confetti*

A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?

E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!

A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.

A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.

E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.

A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."

E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.

Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.

E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."

A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"

And that's all from us. Until next week...

much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE TWELVE...

We know, we know. We're terribly late to the party. We have had such a crazy week that it was by pure luck that we were both able to catch each other to watch and discuss this last episode of Melrose Place for 2009. How whack is that? Melrose Place in 2009?! Who would ever have thought that we would be doing this?

While 2.0 really struggled to find its feet in its early episodes, it's safe to say that these last few episodes have really started to pick up the raunch and the pace and bring to us the Melrose Place that we knew and loved. Yes, Jonah is a douche and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is just horrid as Vile-it while Laura Leighton showed the youngsters how its really done and Heather Locklear returned with a brand new face. Needless to say, it's given us 'old school Melrose fans' lots to bitch about! So here it comes...the vodka is chilled and Alison is passed out on the kitchen floor.

Our last 2.0 recap for 2009!

A: Oooh we get a shirtless Jonah for two weeks in a row! Grrrrrrr! Are the producers priming him to be the new Auggie?

E: No, Auggie is still shirtless - for now!

A: I could totally see Jonah and Rack getting married in a rec center and Rack wearing an "off-the-rack dress".

E: Enough! We're on t-shirt duty now. What's he wearing this week?

A: I see a camera...

E: There's some text underneath

A: Man it's too small...they are really making it hard for us now!

E: Jonah wants to go to Vegas. He thinks he's Bradley Cooper

A: Minus the cool factor

E: And the shades and wrecked denim.

E: Ella's frock is classy!

A: It's channeling Sydney in Melrose 1.0 season 5

A: Hmm, the dress is a yes, the makeup is a big no! Seems the ick is moving upwards.

E: Flashback!

A: Seriously, Laura Leighton has not aged a day since 1.0. Freaking stunning.

E: Laura really wants to say "Look what the Santa Anna's blew in.... Why did you fuck up your face?"

A: We could play a game of who aged better...something tells me Laura Leighton would win everytime.

A: Ahh so Syd stole a $19million painting from Amanda. Oh...yawn.

E: Sydney: "Aren't you the one who slept with my boyfriend?" What is this? Highschool?

A: High School Musical 40 starring Heather Locklear!

E: When did Sydney find God anyways?

A: Right after she found herself in a jail cell with Bertha.

E: Jonah is looking at "Love me Tender". This is a gay porn website, yes?

A: Well now I'm concerned about Jonah's research for his wedding...the website looks totally shonky..."The King's Wedding Chapel"

E: He's wanting a theme wedding perhaps?

A: Douchey meets rack?

E: Ella has Ungaro though.

A: Yeah but she's waving it around! You don't 'wave' around Ungaro...you use it to clean up your vomit from a big night out.

E: Possibly a Lindsay Lohan creation then.

E: Ooh Doc Mancini is in the can again.

A: We need Syd around for more of this

A: Wow the mouse is out of the house a little early...Vanessa killed Syd?

E: I win! The boring Mrs. Mancini killed Sydney.

A: Bugger. I'm still going with the cult theory...you know, in my head.

A: So in episode one, Syd's "I've done something terrible" phone call to Daveyboy was about her calling Vanessa?

E: It makes no sense.

A: Yeah. To Syd that wouldn't be terrible. She'd be more like "Suck it bitch...I'm doing your hubby too."

E: Hooker boots on Ella! Hooker boots on Ella!

A: NO NO NO NO NO ELLA! You were there with the dress...now you have gone and ruined it!

E: Yeah, completely ruins the outfit.

A: What, did she steal Sandra O's street walking boots?

A: See now the boots are affecting Ella's judgment. She just called Jonah "The new Spike Jonze"

E: Omg, Jonah has never done a pitch before!

A: He's a virgin!

E: Touched for the very first time!

A: Was he like this the first time he did rack?

E: Ella: "Jonah's it's genius!" No Ella...it's shit.

A: Woah someone is trippin'

E: Sandra O is having a bad reaction to the drugs...Like that wasn't predictable.

A: That finger twitch is just creepy.

E: I'm assuming I should probably be biting my fingernails with worry right now, but instead I'm just bored shitless.

A: I wonder if she's about the get the munchies?

E: Noah wants to "JUMP IN THE...JUMP IN THE POOL!"

A: Dammit, now it's stuck in my head!

A: So Vile-it thinks she's Van Goh yes?

E: Noah is going to improve the drawing for her.

A: Love Daveyboy's tact...can you look after Noah? Vanessa killed your mum..Noah be good..all in one breath.

E: He gets that from his father. The tact of a B-52 Bomber I mean, not the killing his mum.

E: Flashback part 2!

A: Sydney..drinking...all class.

E: I still, for the life of me, cannot locate her top!

A: Still?! We need Hooker P.I to solve this for us!

A: Love this ultra-bitchy side to Syd. Love the nod to the whore comment..

E: Syd is way too hot.

A: Btw - we are totally re-capping this scene afterwards.

E: We so are!

E: Woah! Nice stunt move over the table top!

A: AAARGGGH fuck!

E: NOOOO!!! Syd. Don't be dead.

A: Go the manolos face-smack!

E: Her heels do make a good weapon

A: Omg..I'm crying...that has to be the most full-on death in Melrose history

E: Fo' realz

A: Jonah and Rack finally called it quits...

E: Surprise surprise.

A: I wonder who claims ownership of the princess peach shower curtain?

E: Wasn't that Jane's?

A: Gawd...shes gonna turn it into a dress isn't she?

A: The boring Mrs. Mancini and Vile-it, together in a scene again...what did we do wrong?

E: I really wanted Vanessa to say: "Hey. I know you. You're that REALLY SHIT actress."

A: Vile-it knows the truth

E: You killed my mommy!

A: Flashback part three! Same night..same outfit....

E: Yeah!

A: Aww Syd finally owns up to banging that professor in college and that yes, Vile-it is the result of said banging!

E: Pool fight!

A: I guess someone finally went and "JUMP IN THE....JUMP IN THE POOL!"

E: This was so much better when it was Syd and Jane and the wedding dress.

A: Less bloody and less violent!

E: And more awesome!

A: So Vanessa is toast. We lost one great character and one so so character.

E: Guess that means Doc Mancini can fuck whomever he wants now!

A: Like marriage stopped him before!

E: Augie's shirtless.

A: Auggies man boobs are on display. Man that's some heveage.

E: RACK!

A: Manrack

E: And rack rack. Quality dress that.

A: Look at her side rack! There's a lot of rack in this scene is yawn...but the racks are good!

E: Augie's being an asshole.. and I love it! Did Vile-it just see him macking on Rack?

A: Hey you rhymed! Tho you really wouldn't wanna be caught kissing Vile-its man by Vile-it just after she killed her mothers killer!

E: That's quite a sentence you just wrote there.

A: Ella's dreams just came true! Her man is single!

E: Oh... Ella... How I wish Jonah had been run over by a freight train.

A: All the single ladies...all the single ladies...Hide cause Jonah is now on the market!

E: Ella's hooker boots are here to help

A: Do you reckon Rack's appearance in Diva had something to do with break-up?

E: Surely not... But if Rack gets together with Jo, then I could totally work with that!

A: It'd be more interesting than Jonah eye fucking Ella...ok so not so much eye fucking anymore.

E: Jonah's not wasting any time.

A: There's like revelation music playing...very Dawsons Creek.

E: Ella has a bangin' bod!

A: Yeah this is oddly hot.

E: The end.

A: Ok. REWIND to the demise of Sydney Patricia Andrews-Mancini-Field... Because we know what's really important.

E: I love how Syd calls Vanessa "sweetheart." Drunk Syd is soooo classy

A: Totally. Ooh Syd played the "Noah isn't Doc Mancini's spawn" card!

E: Syd knows that Vanessa must have been a slut too.

A: Man this fight is full on! That stabbing scene always gets me.

E: Noooo!!! But that falling off the table thing is ace!

E: Ooowwww!

A: Heels as a weapon! Love it.

E: Wait. her chain came off.... shouldn't Syd be topless?

A: Apparently it was a necklace and not a chain.

E: It wasn't though... the chain was wrapped through the top.

E: Oh I love her soooo much.

A: Where did the knife come from? it's just there on the floor? Did Syd drop it when she was cutting limes for her Gin?

E: I'm still stuck on the chain/necklace. If I had my way, Syd would be face down, drunk as a skunk and topless in the pool.

A: Doc Mancini would not want it any other way!

Well that's it for us now until after Christmas. We both wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas season and stay tuned as we me have some Christmas themes goodies to post and quite possibly, a Melrose Place 1.0 recap! Watch this space!

Much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE TEN...

Once again folks, sorry about the slight delay in posting. E found herself down with a hideous bug that not even a drinking session with Alison was going to fix. But now that the sneezing, aches and nose blows are down to minimum, we both have settled down with our Irish Coffees (thanks Alison for the recipe, btw) and it's time to recap!

E: DIVA MAGAZINE! Riley's rack is in a lesbian mag! I knew it! Jo shoots for dyke magazines!

A: Do lesbians like Rack?

E: For the record, this lesbian does not. This lesbian likes the photographer....and Sydney. I would happily bed either.

A: Good selections! Me...not so much for the rack. I'll take Caleb and Auggie..not too greedy I think!

E: dundundun...shoes...

A: Manolos?

E: Can't see red soles, so not Louboutins.

E: The Bitch is Back!

A: Good shoes, but bad skirt! Did someone put it through a paper shredder?

E: Bad skirt and bad plastic surgery!

A: Cripes! Her top lip isn't moving!

E: She's looking very Madam Tussauds...

A: All she's missing is an Asian tourist standing behind her working the peace sign with the fingers

E: I think we need to persuade Daphne Zuniga to give her a public service announcement on not fucking up your face.

A: "Anton V? More like Anton Y" Amanda, I just fell for you! She saw his doucheyness too!

E: Such a great line!

E: Sandra O is sharing her rack for a change.

A: She's trying to compete with... well...Rack!

A: Aww Davey boy bought her Macy Gray tickets.

E: Surely he'd be taking her to a Jay-Z gig? Or Amy Winehouse.. "They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no no no....not unless Sydney comes too."

A: Either way it's a dud date. He'd wait until you popped off to the toilet before stealing something out of your bag.

A: Ewww. A zipper dress?! Ella, you need to stop wearing the Jane Andrews oniginals!

E: I really want Amanda to pull Ella's zipper next time she gets pissed off.

A: Heather's frozen top lip is mesmerizing!

E: The capped teeth scare me.

A: So does her ultra-smooth cleavage!

E: Part of it is that they're filming her in soft focus. You only notice it when they cut between her and Ella. In spite of all their efforts, it still doesn't help her look any less scary.

A: The wardrobe department for this show must be reading our blog. Jonah's wearing a shirt. No slogan guessing for us.

E: Sadly yes, but have you seen the print of said shirt?

A: Barf.

E: Gay Matt would be embarrassed to be caught wearing that thing

A: Even back in the 1990's!

E: Wait-- if the W in WPK stands for Woodward, then does the P stand for Parker?

A: If it does stand for Parker, I'm sure they're repping numerous Vodka clients.

E: Absolut-ly!

E: Bikini rack time!

A: It's everywhere! Ok..Jonah makes Mojito's? He becomes less douchey when alcohol is involved.

E: Perhaps he's going to take over Vile-it's job at spiffyShooters?

A: Either way, Vile-it was never good with the drink making.

A: Speak of the devil....

E: I really wish they'd put her in Taylor Momsen style outfits for her last few episodes..that would be hilarious!

A: Hot outfits on a so-so character.

E: Let's see how many lame-ass movie titles they can fit into one Ashlee monologue...

E: "He's just not that into you"

A: "I Still know what you did last summer"

E: "You drive me crazy"

A: "Marley and me"

E: "Confessions of a shop-a-holic"

A: "She's all that"

E: "Knocked up"

A: Doing it this way means she'll remember her lines.

E: Nice launch party.

A: I'm liking Rack's dress.

E: But am I really supposed to believe that she wouldn't be wearing jeans to a jeans launch party? That's stupid. She should be wearing jeans and a sparkly top.

A: Apparently the launch party is for Rack and not "Real Jeans for real people by Anton Y"

E: Ok. Let's take a moment to discuss Jonah's plaid jacket.

A: And bow tie...he just earned his doucheyness back.

E: Davey boy is busting into Michael's Merc.

A: "Can you see what I see?"

E: Michael plays golf?

A: Nah that was left to Peter..he used the clubs as a cover while he was banging Sydney.

E: Ok Sydney in THAT top! I want that top sooo badly (Someone identify the designer please)!

A: I love how a 2 second flashback of Sydney shows that she really is so much hotter than the rest of the cast.

E: I think it showed Heather how a real lady can look at 40.

E: Bahahahaha! Sandra O looks totally baked!

A: She's got that 'Geeky best friend of a hot supermodel' look going on.

E: Apparently that get-up took her 5 hours...

A: 5 Hours?! So 4 hours of smokey time, 30 minutes munchies and 30 minutes in front of the mirror tripping out!

E: Hey! Our first token Brit Chick!

A: Lassie is channeling Liz Hurley and Sophie Ellis Bextor.

E: "Murder on the dance floor... you better not break the groove deejay..."
Cue lez-ploitation...

A: Yay!!! Ella got her penis back!

E: Why has it taken 10 episodes for Ella to get her dyke on?

A: And in a room with a wine rack wall? Class.

E: Aww Davey boy is cute!

A: Boy has waaaay to much free time.

E: He painted each one of those leaves by hand.

A: Well the thought is cute, but that shit is gonna be a bitch to clean up!

E: "Wait, did you break into my apartment?" Took a bit for the penny to drop.

A: So she's not so much with the "Hooker P.I" anymore.

E: Nah she's off duty.

A: So that's how guys get chicks...break in to their apartment, re-decorate and make a mess.

E: Yup, it's just that easy in 'het-world', apparently.

A: Aww Rack thinks Auggie slashed Sydney. She's totally un-friending him on Facebook now.

E: He's turning to drink. He needs it to sit through another scene with Vile-it.

A: He's the male Alison!

E: Auggie is Keith. He's gonna move to Seattle and whack himself over the phone to Riley and then Jonah's gonna go investigate and make a documentary about it, and be all 'raaaah! I will throw you off the scaffolding in my plaid suit jacket!

A: That'd be a cool docu!

E: I heart Ella's necklace!

A: Kinda Dykey.

E: Fuck yeah!

E: I wonder if Amanda's appearance was last minute? I'm missing her black roots.

A: Give it an episode! Was Amanda this vicious in the original?

E: Hell yeah!

A: So Ella is Amanda's Alison.

E: I think the writers originally wanted to pitch Ella as Amanda, but she wasn't up for the task so this way they've brought back Amanda and are letting Ella fill the Alison role.

E: Rack got fired from teaching.

A: Ooh total dundundun moment! Amanda totally called the school!

E: Guess she's gotta be a full-time model now. Cue Models Inc. Spin-off.

A: Better give Linda Evans enough time with Heather's plastic surgeon!

E: LMAO! Wait...we're missing Jonah's T-shirt with all this spin-off excitement!

A: What does it say?!

E: "Same shirt, different day...."

A: Oh. Yawn.

A: Someone trashed Syd's place...broken photo...

E: Amanda wants Syd's piano. She wants to know if she can out-do Syd's The Fabulous Baker Boys' impression.

A: Oooh wall safe?! In Syd's place?!

A: All that's inside is a note?!

E: "You will never find it." FUCKING A! best moment!!!!!

A: Wait! What will Amanda never find?!

E: Kimberly's wig? Amanda and Peter's 'home movies'?

A: Taylor's lips? Amanda is almost there you know!

E: Duuude! Whatever Syd has, it's in the missing basement! We were so right!

A: Well, we did say the basement would show up!

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E