First off, we'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode, but we did this for very good reasons. Normally we choose doing the recap over a massive drinking binge, but when we find ourselves with two separate episodes featuring new Doctor "Duuuuuuuuuude" Drew and his cover band doing rock versions of "Who let the dogs out" (who? who?!) and "Mary had a Little Lamb", it turned out that we preferred liquor over actually watching the thing. Once again, our apologies. Allison, does, however, send her regards.
So peeps... Here it is: the season one finale of Melrose Place 2.0! Bitching, bed-hopping, blackmail, T-shirts, bad fashion, vodka, bad acting, spiffy!Shooters, and hookers have all played a major part in this 'new' season and given us plenty to snark about. We met newbies we immediately pegged as 1.0 residents and squeed when some familiar old faces returned. Sydney was still a smokin' hot bitch (with a new found fondness of white powder and $20 notes). Doc Mancini was still a man-whore, intent on being all powerful. Amanda showed off her new face, knees, blonder hair-do and updated powersuits. Jane was still trying to convince everyone she IS a designer and became somewhat more conniving and bitchy than we remember and Jo... Well, Jo turned out to be the main object of E's affections, much to everyone's surprise.
We've laughed, judged, drunk, cried (in pain), harvested our farmville crops, drunk and judged some more this season and, for the most part, loved every minute of it!
Now it's time to put the vodka down and get to business.
"This recap is brought to you by 'Amanda's Micro-Minis' : Bringing slutty style to the over 40's since 2010'"
A: Wow. Jonah and Ella have really sweaty sex!
E: I wonder if they have Tina Turners "Steamy Windows" playing
A: Certainly would go with the sweaty theme.
E: I'm sure there's a pun hidden in the line, "Big bad Amanda can huff and puff all she likes," but it's eluding me at present.
A: Ask Biwwy?
E: Which one? The character, or the actor?
A: There's too many Billy Campbells! I had enough trouble dealing with one!
E: One is the loneliest number.
A: Ooh the missing painting! Wait...OMG did Jonah have it?
A: Jonah has classy piece of art and he hides it in the closet!
A: I love how "OMG" is all we can muster when Laura Leighton appears on our screen.
E: Can you pause it? I need a cold shower.
A: So is she alive?! Have we been duped all along and Miss Thang is still kicking about?
E: No. Sadly, Amanda's tripping.
A: Whatever pills Amanda's on I gotta have em'!
E: I want a trip if Syd's that hot in them!
A: It's a Bugger that she's still dead... even if she's like, you know, hot dead.
A: Me likey the red on Ella.
E: Me not so much.
A: Amanda finds a Prada button and a piece of blonde hair and assumes it's Ella's? Has Amanda been working with Hooker P.I?
E: Well Sandra O is no longer hookering so she needs money any which way she can!
A: Amanda: "I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine." Pot calling the kettle black yes?
E: Prada Ninja : Now that's got to be the name of the spin-off.
A: New to FOX "The Prada Ninja"
E: this weeks special guest "The Vulture in Versace!"
A: SMACK! Well a good ole' biatch slap is what has been missing!
E: Face it, Ella. Amanda owns your ass.
E: Ooooh. Painting.
A: Ella knows she's got the one Amanda has been looking for.
E: She does. She also has fugly art.
A: Errrm Sydney painted that masterpiece.
E: Sure..while she was on a coke trip!
A: Ella believes her and Syd were like 'sisters'? Maybe drinking buddies more like it.
E: Drinking frenemies, even.
A: Err...wait? Where did the painting originate again? Jonah's apartment or Auggie's?
E: How many times do we have to clarify this? The. Basement.
E: T SHIRT alert. T Shirt alert!
A: About time. I was starting to get worried. So we have: "Your mom goes to college."
E: It made me laugh?
A: I love how your "It made me laugh? ooozes confusion!
E: This scene is kinda Biwwy and Alison, by the way.
A: But less interesting
E: And less plaid
A: and less powder blue bathrobes.
E: And "one bad ad can ruin your whole day."
A: I do miss D&D Advertising.
A: Purple shirt on Jonah! Boooo! Bring back the T-Shirts!
E: More douchey assholes!
A: Oh yeah, By the way, Jonah became a director of his own movie. I totally forgot about that.
E: We forget because we care.
A: He's gonna put all the cast in slogan t-shirts: "tripple threat - writing, directing, douching"
E: or "Waterworld 2."
E: Apropos of nothing... is it just me or does blondie look a bit like a young Tea Leoni?
A: Less hot, but yes.
E: WOW. this alumni mixer is dull.
A: True story but her flight attendant neck scarf is kinda nice, though.
E: Spiffy shooters!
A: Bimbo's back.
E: Calling him "daddy" makes you horrid.
A: And seven years old.
E: "She just got a Malti-poo" might be the WORST line of the season.
A: It could only have been worse if Vile-it had said it.
A: In Doctor "Duuuuuude" Drew's pad.
E: More Syd stripping please... err... tripping. yes.
A: Would be awesome. Ahh! We have another Prada Ninja!
E: Prada Ninja really could be the next Llamas with Hats.
A: So Jane gave Amanda keys to all the apartments? Why did you give her the keys, Jane?!
A: And now Ella has Amanda by the balls!
E: I think by the stilettos, actually.
A: "Ella Sims and Associates"? What associates?
E: Jonah's t-shirts
A: She'll be repping Jane? If so Ella Sims and Associates would be a major flop.
E: Oooh. Would you look at that? Ella's a smart cookie.
A: Who knew? Smart in life, dumb in fashion.
A: What's going on?
E: Oh Michael, you naughty Doctor man, you!
A: THIS IS WHY WE LOVE DOC MANCINI!
E: He planted Oxy. It's Nurse Jackie's favourite drug.
A: lmao! Mancini and Nurse Jackie. Now that's a pairing.
E: Somewhere, Darren Star is crying at the thought of it.
A: Lame. Rack and Jonah are being all questioning about their break-up.
E: Wake me up when this scene is over.
A: I wonder if my Farmville crops are ready?
E: Weren't Biwwy and Allison in the same situation at the end of season 1?
A: Wasn't she on a plane to Atlanta?
E: I can't remember, but if we can send Rack to Atlanta, that would be cool by me.
A: Go to Manhattan and bring back Megan.
E: Yeah. Pick her up from Gossip Girl
A: She can bring her outfits too.
E: Yes please. Amanda *wishes* she had her dress sense.
A: Plus, you know Megan totally has five kids named Mick, Mike, Mikey, M. and Prince Michael Jr.
E: *cue moral dilemma music*
A: Will she allow the surgery to go ahead? Come on Hooker P.I do your thang!
A: This is all so Greys Anatomy.
E: I was thinking more 'General Hospital'.
E: Ella's getting hammered
A: With curly hair!
E: She looks classy
A: That dress is totally the one in the early promo posters.
E: It is, isn't it?
E: You have to wonder what kind of world we live in where Ella is rejected by Jonah.
A: Woah! Millah the mood killah.
E: I hope Ella's mascara is waterproof.
A: Well her lipstick is vodka proof.
E: So is mine.
A: And mine.
A: She'll go onto chicks now, yes?
E: Syd flashback!
A: Amanda had the painting and sold it. She's a quick worker.
E: ka-ching! Money Money Money Money....MONEY!
E: Laura Leighton just agreed to come back for this ep so she could show her rockin' body off in a slew of insanely hot dresses, right?
A: And to give you and me one more drool session. Ahhh BOOTS. Sexy boots.
A: oh Syd put a snap on Amanda! "I don't need anyone to share with"
E: "I told myself the same thing. Look where I ended up."
A: Laura Leighton is insanely hot.
E: That should really be our entire season recap. Melrose 2.0, season 1: Laura Leighton is insanely hot. The end.
A: Doctor Duuuude is stealing Jonah's t-shirt.
E: It's the uniform of douchey assholes.
A: Wow. Rack spends 5 years with Jonah, breaks up, and 10mins later hooks up with Duuuuude Doc.
E: Duuuuuude is a sex addict.
A: He had a penis extension? Oh wait. No. Something like a hole in his heart.
E: Ooh twist! He had the surgery! Michael might be killing Duuuuuude Doc!
A: Woah. Plot twist.
E: Well, at least that means his boring ass will be out of here soon.
E: Ella is all 'My skirt is shorter than Amanda's so suck it, bitch."
A: Well, she still has her originial knees
E: And bought herself a Birkin.
A: Oh, Amanda you didn't! Talk about being an Indian giver!
E: Amanda pwns.
A: Ella's 'smart in life skills' have reared again! Blackmailing the blackmailer!
A: OMG. It's like when Alsion took over D&D.
A: oh my god. Ella wins this round, it seems!
E: Amanda's going in the can!
A: THIS MEANS WAR!
E: Allison can come back now.
E: Bastards!! They cut a Sydney scene out!
A: Where's the leopard print dress?!
E: I feel cheated
A: So does Amanda. She wanted to see her leopard print sheets again.
A: This is wrong.
E: They robbed me of leopard-print!Syd
A: not fair!
E: although.... Amanda getting dragged of by the cops was pretty funny...
A: Season 2: Nothing but orange jumpsuits
E: With orange Louboutains!
That all from us. We hope you enjoyed our final recap of season 1. Next week, we'll be posting our best and worst list of season 1, and our 'predictions' for season 2. Hope to see you all again soon.
A & E