Wednesday 31 March 2010

WATCHING EPISODE SIXTEEN....

Previously on Melrose Place...

It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:

A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...

But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.

This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.

A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.

E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!

A: You have got to be kidding me!

E: T-SHIRT!

A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.

E: What does it say?

A: I see an animal in sunglasses....

E: Chinchilla?

A: Oh...

A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.

E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.

A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?

A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!

E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!

E: Holy fuck she's hot!

A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.

E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...

A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.

E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...

A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"

E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.

E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."

A: It was a pretty epic moment!

E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?

A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!

E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!

A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro

E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!

A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!

E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?

A: She's showing off her new knees.

E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!

A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!

E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.

E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...

A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.

E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!

A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!

E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!

A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!

E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?

A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.

E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!

A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!

E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!

E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!

A: For 'American Vogue'?

E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!

A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?

E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga

A: Isn't everything?!

A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!

E: Damn fine and damn hot!

A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!

E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*

A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...

E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.

A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?

E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...

A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?

E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!

A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.

E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.

A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?

E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.

A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?

E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville

A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!

E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!

A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!

E: This scene bores me.

A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb

E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....

E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...

A: Amanda is getting hammered!

E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!

A: For you? Yes.

E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.

A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?

E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!

A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?

E: Jane!

A: In metal?

E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!

A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!

E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.

A: How many of them are still alive?

E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!

A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!

E: Shame she never finished the back of it

A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.

E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.

A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!

E: Beer pong!

A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?

E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.

A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!

E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now

A: That would be awesome!

E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!

A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?

E: Only when Jesse James is around.

A: Burn!

E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!

A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?

E: I love this so much.

A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!

E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!

A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.

E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!

E: Jo!!!!

A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.

E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!

A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!

E: Two in one sitting?!

A: It's just THAT awesome!

A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"

E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?

A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.

E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!

A: Love it!

E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!

A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.

E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."

A: Another line of the season!

E: That's how many this episode?

A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...

E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!

A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!

E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?

A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...

E: Don't even!

A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.

E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.

A: I think so too. Uh oh!

E: Dundundun!

A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!

E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O

A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!

E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."

A: Damn that was some party!

E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!

A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!

E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"

And that's all for this week. Until next time...

much love,

A&E

Saturday 20 March 2010

WATCHING EPISODE FOURTEEN...

Before we begin our recap, we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane. Remember back to Melrose Place season 3 (the original, obviously)? Lauren is in jail, and Sydney has just taken over the reins of her hookering business. She's finally become a 'somebody'...a business manager if you will..running a circle of "high class" whores. She's on top of the world. Well, that's us right now....feeling the love from all the readers who have visited our little 2.0 recap blog and had a chuckle at our distaste for Vile-it and our determination to make a Jonah Miller T-Shirt drinking game (amongst other things!) So as we move into the new recap, we would like to say thank you too our loyal readers, and if this is your first time here grab a coffee (or alcoholic beverage of choice), sit down and as we said all along "We're really gonna love it here!"

And with that analogy above, we find it quite befitting that the following recap is brought to you by Lauren's Escort Service: "Lauren Does Los Angeles".


E: "Previously on Melrose Place.... Jonah wore hideous t-shirts, Ashlee Simpson got fired, Sandra O got it off with spawn-of-Mancini, and Amanda Woodward hooked up with Billy Campbell and his hideous beard."

A: Aww crap did you start without me?

E: No. I'm just psychic. I mean what else is going to be on the 'previously on Melrose Place' segment? Biwwy travels to Seattle to kill Keith?

A: That would make this a bit more interesting.

E: Let's go!

A: Look it! No recap! LOL!

E: Wha?! No 'previously on'?

A: At least everyone is getting hammered!

E: Oooh love me some hammered Ella!

A: And she looks hot doing it. I wonder if the wardrobe department will keep Ella off the 'go fug yourself' website this episode?

E: I doubt it. Jonah is wearing a plaid shirt.

A: ::barf:: He's channeling Biwwy for us.


A: Paging Sandra O, Sandra O to the ER Stat!

E: Michael! So we have hammered hot looking Ella and Michael. Good Start.

A: The plaid shirt was only a small dint in the can, ey?

A: Btw, what color are Sandra O's scrubs today? Are we calling it Lilac?

E: I wish they would have bunnies on them like Zoey's on 'Nurse Jackie'

A: That would be ace!

E: Don't eff with Doc Mancini. Sandra O should know better than to second guess a medical genius like him.

A: Boy he is mad.

E: Where is Kimberly when you need her?

A: Shopping for wigs.


A: Apparently Jonahs 'Biwwy' shirt doubles as a hangover top.

E: Forget the shirt-- Jonah's on the cover of Hollywood Reporter. WHY?!!!

A: Geez, when you screw with Ella, she really returns the favor! I guess Perez will be calling him next.

E: Jonah's hair... thoughts?

A: Well he's channeling a Jonas brother...but which one? Wait...Jonah is channeling a Jonas brother..he's Jonah Jonas!

E: They are all as bad as each other.


A: Oooh do my eyes see some new eye candy?

E: Hmm a new dude. Are your Auggie lovin' eyes ok with that?

A: Well it's not my eyes that are reacting at the moment!

E: [censored]


A: Amanda's interviewing Rack. Some more DIVA magazine modeling?

E: As long as Jo is the photographer then I'm on board!

A: As long as it's not for Anton V!

E: Anton Why.

A: Stop! Rack has mini-gladiator sandals on. No no no! You ain't Rihanna girl!

E: Meanwhile, Amanda's top escaped from Dynasty

A: Yeah Joan Collins is on the phone to her at this very minute.

E: Somebody stole from Amanda? But not Sydney?

A: OMFG it was Peter! Peter stole from Amanda!

E: No wonder he's hiding out in the basement! He stole $15 mill from Amanda. I wonder if he has the $19 million painting that Sydney stole from her...


E: That looks like fun!

A: A movie meeting at the go karts? DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

E: WTF Ella's leggings?

A: I choose not to see the disaster on her legs.

E: 'Cruella Sims'. Quality name right there.


E: B-E-N

A: B-I-L-L-Y

E: Billy wants to get in Rack's pants, right?

A: I'm thinking he's aiming a little north from the pants area.

E: Did he just say he's off to a Polo match? Bill plays polo?

A: No a jockey gets on his beard and rides around while holding a big stick.


E: Omg. Now they're playing crazy golf.

A: This meeting is totally bitchin'

E: A bit like Jonah's second.plaid.shirt. in ONE episode

A: We are being punnished, but I don't know what we did wrong. Plus Ella's top is Speed Racer inspired.

E: She's had a few too many red bulls to shake that hangover of hers and lost control of her ability to select clothes.

A: I wouldn't be blaming the red bull.


E: Meanwhile back at Whilshire Memorial...

A: The eye candy is a doctor? Since when were pretty people allowed to play smart?

E: "People find it hard believe you're brilliant if you're beautiful." The wisdom of Jack & Bobby right there. RIP amazingshowshichwascancelledbytheWBafteroneseason (yeah I'm still bitter)



E: Amanda's on Web MD

A: eBay, more like it. She's got to to make a few bucks selling off her TJ Hooker memorabilia.

E: With a little bit of Spin City set and a few pool tiles thrown in for good measure.

A: I'd take a pool tile! The one Brooke hit her head on! I'll get Kristin Davis to sign it!

E: Remember when they auctioned off pool water back in the day?


A: Hmmmm...hammered Mikey. Everyone is getting hammered. Are they prepping for the return of Alison Parker?

E: This would be way better if he was getting drunk with Syd while they await the return of Alison Parker!

A: Mind you, everything is better with Syd.

A: Mikey blames himself for Syd's death.

E: "I have destroyed every marriage..."

A: All 7 of them. How special will number 8 feel?

A: Davey's gonna tell Michael that he impregnated Vanessa!

E: Your son Noah is actually your grandson....dundundun

A: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!


E: Does this really call for some dad/son fighting?

A: Well Michael did just find out his son banged his wife before she was his wife and got her knocked up but she didn't tell anyone until after she died, but she did it in a note to David because she knew she was going to die....wow, that's a lot even for Jerry Springer!

E: So the way to solve this problem is to throw each other though a window.

A: Well it worked for Peter and Michael back in season 5!

E: Now, I'm just wondering where Kim is to kidnap the baby.

A: Still shopping for wigs...she's onto the Raquel Welch collection now.


E: Now this is what I'm talking about!

A: Amanda and Michael in the SAME scene!?!

E: This will be the only good scene in the episode.

A: Is Amanda REALLY seeking medical advice from Michael? Come on! The last time she did that she had cancer and slept with him!

E: "It's my heart"..."You actually have one?"

A: Michael should just give her some Xanax and be done with it!

E: We are so MD-ing it up with Doc Mancini!


A: We just totally skipped through a few scenes.

E: Yeah, but now we have KIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A: Kimber is bangin' and wants Sandra O for some more hookering!

E: Indeed! Perhaps she could star in that HBO show I was suggesting with Amanda as the porn maven?

A: Either way, Kimber is for sure a Melrose resident... She's just had her first blackmail!

E: And a good one too. 'Quit whore-ing and I'll tell everyone at your day job.'


E: Can we have office sex for these two now?

A: Yeah shes gotta get that shirt off him and throw it out. Ella's bad makeup makes her look as old as Bindi Irwin.

E: She can probably tame crocodiles just as well, too

A: Well she's not averse to wearing crocodiles. Ah here's the office sex....

E: Or just some tender kissing. Boooooo!


E: Billy's here which means Amanda can't be far behind!

A: Are my eyes betraying me or does Amanda looks almost human?

E: Yeah Amanda looks HOT in that dress. Quite clearly not a Jane Mancini original

A: Ella would never be caught dead wearing something so tasteful!


E: Sandra O's dress is vile!

A: Whats with the flower on her tits? At least when Sarah Jessica Parker did it, she had it in a respectable place!

E: Like on her head.

A: Ah one last job for 'Hooker P.I'.

E: Please be Michael...

A: FUCK! FUCK!

E: OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A: Woah! Talk about having your cover blown! I love how Mikey hired a whore!

E: This is classic Melrose!

DUNDUNDUN. Fade to black (or blackout with Alison Parker).

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E

Wednesday 10 March 2010

WATCHING EPISODE THIRTEEN...

My oh my! This poor blog is probably feeling like Vile-it did before she arrived at Melrose Place: abandoned and forgotten about. Like Vile-it's mother Sydney, we had better things to do in the mean-time, like Vodka and coke (a-cola!). But all good things and hiatuses must come to an end, so here we are, back and refreshed from our stint at Camp "No More Victims" (thanks for the recomendation Kimberly) and ready to bitch about episode 13!

"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."

A: What do we have here?

E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.

A: In Syd's dreams!

E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.

E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.

A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!

E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.

A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!

E: Rack is calling Jonah.

A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.

E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.

A: She needed to work that rack more!

E: That's a lot of phone calls.

A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"

E: No one did.

A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.

E: He must have a really great voice mail message.

A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."

E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"

A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?

E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!

A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.

E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.

A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?

A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!

E: Fugly shoes!

A: Wha?! Seriously?

E: They are so dire!

A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!

E: This calls for a drink!

A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque

E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!

A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.

E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.

A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!

A: Ella has sex hair.

E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.

A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?

E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.

A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.

A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.

E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"

A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.

E: We are offended in general.

A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.

E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.

A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.

A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.

E: Now that's some talent!


E: Ella is playing party planner.

A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.

E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!

A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.

E: And a mighty short one at that.

A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.

A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?

E: Dying her roots.

A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!

E: Where's Michael?

A: Crying over Sydney.

E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?

A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!


A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!

E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.

A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.

E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.

A: Or just buried.

E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.

A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.

A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.

E: Jo, Kim

A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..

E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.


E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?

A: Oh totally busted!

E: Ella's dress is bangin'

A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.

E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"

A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"

E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.

E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!

A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...

E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."

A: "over and over and over again."

E: Ella is drunk

A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.

E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.

A: Shot down!

E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.

A: Unlike Sandra O.

E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!

A: Jonah wants in.

E: 3-way?

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.

A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!

E: *Throws confetti*

A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?

E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!

A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.


A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.

E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.

A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."

E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.

Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.


E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."

A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"


And that's all from us. Until next week...

much love,

A&E