WATCHING EPISODE THIRTEEN...

My oh my! This poor blog is probably feeling like Vile-it did before she arrived at Melrose Place: abandoned and forgotten about. Like Vile-it's mother Sydney, we had better things to do in the mean-time, like Vodka and coke (a-cola!). But all good things and hiatuses must come to an end, so here we are, back and refreshed from our stint at Camp "No More Victims" (thanks for the recomendation Kimberly) and ready to bitch about episode 13!

"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."

A: What do we have here?

E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.

A: In Syd's dreams!

E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.

E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.

A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!

E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.

A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!

E: Rack is calling Jonah.

A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.

E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.

A: She needed to work that rack more!

E: That's a lot of phone calls.

A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"

E: No one did.

A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.

E: He must have a really great voice mail message.

A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."

E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"

A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?

E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!

A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.

E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.

A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?

A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!

E: Fugly shoes!

A: Wha?! Seriously?

E: They are so dire!

A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!

E: This calls for a drink!

A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque

E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!

A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.

E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.

A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!

A: Ella has sex hair.

E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.

A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?

E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.

A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.

A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.

E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"

A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.

E: We are offended in general.

A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.

E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.

A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.

A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.

E: Now that's some talent!

E: Ella is playing party planner.

A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.

E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!

A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.

E: And a mighty short one at that.

A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.

A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?

E: Dying her roots.

A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!

E: Where's Michael?

A: Crying over Sydney.

E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?

A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!

A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!

E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.

A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.

E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.

A: Or just buried.

E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.

A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.

A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.

E: Jo, Kim

A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..

E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.

E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?

A: Oh totally busted!

E: Ella's dress is bangin'

A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.

E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"

A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"

E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.

E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!

A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...

E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."

A: "over and over and over again."

E: Ella is drunk

A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.

E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.

A: Shot down!

E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.

A: Unlike Sandra O.

E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!

A: Jonah wants in.

E: 3-way?

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.

A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!

E: *Throws confetti*

A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?

E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!

A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.

A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.

E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.

A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."

E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.

Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.

E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."

A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"

And that's all from us. Until next week...

much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE ELEVEN...

Its a miracle! We are on time this week and that includes a week where we spent countless hours working on a Mrs. Appleby's Country Baked Goods advertising campaign, attended a black tie event for Wilshire Memorial Hospital and even managed to get our roots dyed black in honor of Amanda as well!

And on that note, it's time to bitch...

E: Aw Davey took Sandra O to that concert!

A: Hey we were close last week when we said Macy Gray tickets...just turned out to be something even lamer...Kings of Leon.

E: They have a few decent songs!

A: 'Few' being the operative word there.

E: Would have been awesome if it were Lady Gaga. "Roma roma-ma, Melrose Oooh la la... want your bad romance."

A: Eeeek! A close up view of our fave shower curtain! Oh, but it's changed.

E: Guess 'pastel pink' was out and 'rainbow pride' was in.

E: Jonah's wearing a tie without a shirt... Is he encouraging sobriety in the Melrose t-shirt drinking game?

A: Wow...so manly..hairy..grrrr.

E: So.....dull.

A: Yeah I should stop. It's Jonah for crying out loud. He's douchey not sexy!

E: The words 'Jonah' and 'sexy' should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.

E: Apparently Doc Mancini waited 5 days to get it on with wife number 7.

A: Oh as if he waited 5 days!

E: I wonder if he's into 'sexting'. BTW, I stand by the theory that she's Syd's killer.

A: Well she's definatley a scene killer.

E: He wants sex in his car?

A: Hmm...nope...she's one of those "The bedroom or nowhere" type of gals.

E: Oooh he's gonna find Syd's missing necklace!

A: Wait! OMG, he knew about the necklace...Vile-it didn't plant it when she banged him in there!

E: WIN!!!!!

A: Wow, total twist!

E: So maybe Doc Mancini did kill Sydney? Please say it isn't so!

E: Oh for fuck's sake...more Jonah?

A: Damn...he's wearing a shirt. Sobriety is ours.

A: Ella's pissed that Davey sent her pop-up nudie girls on her desktop? I see her point.

E: Ella: "Since when are naked women a bad thing?"

A: Hope she doesn't ask me!

E: Wait..who got the special guest-star status this week?

A: Dunno...was totally mesmerized by Ella's high beams.

E: What? Jonah is WPK's new I.T guy? It's sooo Melrose 1.0... you know without Biwwy shagging that Cougar journalist chick.

A: Wow, Doc Mancini owns the bat-mobile! That thing was super fast!

E: Mike's Merc totally kicked Davey's Porche's ass.

A: Mike names his car 'Kit'.

E: Wait a minute-- Did Mike just call him Davey?!

A: I'm guessing Doc Mancini reads our blog.

E: Shout-out!!!

E: Dear God...Amanda's shoes...

A: They got strapped to her legs to keep her upright.

E: Syd had been speaking to Amanda? Since when are they gal-pals?

A: Michael: "So did you re-unite at a support group for women who faked their deaths?" - Love it!

A: So Sydney got hold of an item belonging to Amanda?

E: Yeah and Amanda found Jane in her wardrobe.

A: Dear God, the monster is free! Protect your wardrobes!

E: Amanda : "As usual, Jane is useless"

A: I love Amanda.

E: In spite of her scary face.

A: Uh oh, random new guy. I think this was the original casting for Jonah...kind of like the original Biwwy casting for 1.0.

E: Oooh I like that! Though he is the same calibur actor as Ashlee. Imagine how dire it would have been if he had actually been cast...

A: We'd never get through a scene.

E: I'm not getting through this scene. I wish there was Vodka in my OJ.

A: I wish my OJ was Vodka....

A: Jeeezus that's alot of I.T type things...all in one room.

E: Jonah's going to find Amanda's secret files right?

A: Oooh he could!

E: And then she'd totally have sexy-time with him cause he's like young Biwwy.

A: Oooh she would!

A: BTW, I'm not revolted by Ella's outfit here.

E: Are those zippers on her earrings?

A: Yeah she's got the same nasty ass zipper head scar as Kimmy.

A: Vile-it has wide angry eyes

E: And rather good lipstick.

A: Eww she was doing her brother? Wait...oh adopted..ok..eww wait..

E: Ewww.

A: Ok he's total cult. I'm convinced now.

E: Totally..this guy is freaky shit.

E: Amanda's at the pool!!!!!!

A: I love how Amanda uses words like "old Friend" when talking about 1.0

E: And "good times"

A: Amanda and Sydney re-connected? They were never connected to begin with!

E: Except through a fist and handbag fight.

E: Amanda: "As an upstanding citizen" ? When has Amanda ever been upstanding?

A: Since she put those shoes on!

A: Jonah is playing hardball with Ella.

E: It's implying he has balls...

A: Hahahaha! Nice...ellasims@backstabbinglyers.com

E: I think we need to register that dot com.

A: For sure!

E: Wow shit is hitting the fan this week!

A: Yeah it's everywhere!

E: I wonder why it took 11 episodes...

E: Awww Michael said "My boy" in reference to Davey. That makes me feel gooey.

A: Any maternal instinct I might have had just died.

E: Oooh Syd's necklace was a family heirloom.

A: Yeah it came with Syd and Jane's grandmothers wedding dress.

E: Now that was a classy ensemble.

A: To die for....one that Jane didn't design!

A: Doc Mancini is snooping.

E: He still hasn't found the basement.

A: Good, that's OUR secret hideout!

E: He got the necklace back. He can give it to Jane to wear with her next wedding dress.

A: Why has he got the necklace? -- OOOOOH SET UP! FUCK!

E: Busted!

A: Sandra O and Davey totally set him up!

E: Sandra O is smart!

A: Hooker P.I is back. Mondays on FOX.

E: To think that we almost went a whole episode without a t-shirt moment...

A: Oh thank God... Actully...gawd.

E: It's hideous! The colors. The text. The clashing flannel shirt. The everything.

A: See now they are just totally flaunting this T-Shirt thing!

E: They are.

A: We have so much influence!

E: If he shows up in a bad directors or hands-off-the-rack T, I swear I'm gonna spazz.

A: Amanda is moving back to the place!

E: Thought: Did Jane really give Amanda permission to stay in the Penthouse?

A: I'm guessing Jane was too flustered with the new fall line to really worry.

E: She needs this thing that Syd has...i'm guessing it's the leopard print bed sheets.

***

A: Ok I feel like this is the Melrose we knew and loved.

E: Yeah, but I was so un-prepared for it that I found it really hard to be snarky this week.

A: So much so that we hardly touched the fashion and we went easy on Vile-it.

E: I was caught off guard with the the dun.dun.dun and more than one plot twist. It's so unaccustomed.

A: Awesome stuff!

E: Ashlee was diabolical as ever...

A: Doesn't count AFTER the episode has ended......ok it does.

And that's all for this week.

E has her grad-school graduation to attend next week and A will be tied down with a book full of clients, so the recap will be a little late. Don't say we haven't warned you of our tardiness, and hopefully Amanda will let us keep our jobs just this once.

much love,

A & E.

WATCHING EPISODE SIX

Okay guys... we are both so very sorry about the delay in getting this out, but sadly A has been horribly sick and went to spend some time at the beach house with Kimberly till it passed. Needless to say Kimberly was very much the hostess with the mostess, wigs and all!

So here we go!

A: Before it begins, I need to state that I will now be referring to Violet as 'Vile-it'

E: I approve

A: So does the rest of the Melrose cast.

E: Starting an episode with Ashlee is like giving the viewer a disclaimer..."No good acting here if you were wondering, please move along".

A: Skip to a scene with Sydney!

E: Skip to a scene with.....anyone!

E: Oooh Michael is doctoring

A: Cue 'Grey's Anatomy' speak and ER Flashyness

E: Kimberly was totally better at the doctoring

E: Remember when TV doctors had pagers?

A: Oh that's very 1998...we're in 2009 now!

E: Yet more proof that Jonah sucks ass. I mean this is supposed to be an advert for high fashion, not an internet advert for vibrators.

A: My biggest issue with this is that I want to smack that bad boy mustache off Antons lip.

E: Jonah said 'bad' instead of 'sick' or 'ill'.

A: He must be....sick! hehehe

E: His vocabulary diversifies!

A: Gawd, whats with all the looser hats in this show?

E: It's a homage to Jessica Simpson.

A: Epic fail.

E: OMG that's a vile dress.
A: I liked it... you know 'till it turned around and the rope-back revealed itself.

A: I think Anton's 'real denim' range is aiming for a Wal-Mart clientelle.

E: H&M at best

A: It's just occured to me that Anton is channeling Ethan Hawke circa 1995

E: He reminds me more of Steve Coogan

A: Barf

E: Ok, why did Syd never hooker on a boat?

A: Her pimp had only middle-aged low income workers as clients.

E: These whores are very fashionable.

A: Too bad it was torn denim, fishnets and perms when Syd was doing it.

A: Aww man love flirting.

E: Gay Matt wants in.

A: They are talking basketball...or tennisball...some sport with balls... so lame making them talk hetero.

E: "I've been selling real denim using fake people." That would NEVER happen at D&D.

A: Totally. Alison would have been all over that shit.

E: Perhaps that's what is wrong. They need vodka.

A: And shoulder padded power suits.

E: Woah...Michel has been watching too much Nip/Tuck. He thinks he can pull a Christian in the bar.

A: I guess all he needs to do is say "Hey baby, I'm a doctor!"

E: What the eff is Riley wearing?

A: I'm guessing the kids took to her dress with scissors when they ran out of paint. And speaking of fashion...almost halfway through the ep and Ella is STILL in the same dress!

E: The producers are saving up enough money to bring back more 1.0 cast members.

A: Sadly, at the moment, all they can afford is Lexi.

E: They have used this boat in something else....it's really bothering me.

A: Speed 2. They replaced Sandra Bullock with Sandra O.

E: Poor Sandra O can't cope with the hooker stress. Feeble!!!! Syd would have totally flaunted it.

A: Big time! Bad Whore! BAD WHORE!

E: Hookerfail!

A: This is such an OMFG moment!

E: heeeeeeeee!

A: I totally squeed!

E: This is still not as good as when Michael fucked Kimberly in the back of his blue Saab.

A: Yeah I thought it was missing Michael ripping off her top.

A: My those are some PINK shorts!

E: Riley's rack has been raiding the sale aisle at American Apparel.

A: Riley's sweaty rack has been listening to Hootie and the Blowfish on the iPod!

E: rackPodding.

E: What do we think Jonah's hidden T-Shirt says?

A: 'I'm with Stupid' where the arrow is pointing up.

E: I vote "Battlefield Earth & Gigli & Basic Instint 2"

A: Woah...I think I just went straight for Riley!

E: Did the sheepskin do it?

A: I thought she had Falcor from Never Ending Story around her neck.

E: See, my lesbian self isn't feeling anything.....except boredom.

E: Kimber is NOT amused.

A: Hell no! Her whore went AWOL during a 'mission'

E: She has an awesome convertable and big costume jewellrey

A: Must pay good to have whores who do their job!

A: Oooh Vile-it is being all cray cray

E: dundundun psycho!

A: How cool would it be to find out that Michael banged Syd when she was in college...

E: God I hope so!

E: Overall thoughts?

A: So Sydney slept with Michael, then with his son David, then Michael sleeps with Sydney's daughter Vile-it?! A twist I can jump on!

...and that's all for now. Until tomorrow....

Much Love

A&E