WATCHING EPISODE FOURTEEN...

Before we begin our recap, we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane. Remember back to Melrose Place season 3 (the original, obviously)? Lauren is in jail, and Sydney has just taken over the reins of her hookering business. She's finally become a 'somebody'...a business manager if you will..running a circle of "high class" whores. She's on top of the world. Well, that's us right now....feeling the love from all the readers who have visited our little 2.0 recap blog and had a chuckle at our distaste for Vile-it and our determination to make a Jonah Miller T-Shirt drinking game (amongst other things!) So as we move into the new recap, we would like to say thank you too our loyal readers, and if this is your first time here grab a coffee (or alcoholic beverage of choice), sit down and as we said all along "We're really gonna love it here!"

And with that analogy above, we find it quite befitting that the following recap is brought to you by Lauren's Escort Service: "Lauren Does Los Angeles".

E: "Previously on Melrose Place.... Jonah wore hideous t-shirts, Ashlee Simpson got fired, Sandra O got it off with spawn-of-Mancini, and Amanda Woodward hooked up with Billy Campbell and his hideous beard."

A: Aww crap did you start without me?

E: No. I'm just psychic. I mean what else is going to be on the 'previously on Melrose Place' segment? Biwwy travels to Seattle to kill Keith?

A: That would make this a bit more interesting.

E: Let's go!

A: Look it! No recap! LOL!

E: Wha?! No 'previously on'?

A: At least everyone is getting hammered!

E: Oooh love me some hammered Ella!

A: And she looks hot doing it. I wonder if the wardrobe department will keep Ella off the 'go fug yourself' website this episode?

E: I doubt it. Jonah is wearing a plaid shirt.

A: ::barf:: He's channeling Biwwy for us.

A: Paging Sandra O, Sandra O to the ER Stat!

E: Michael! So we have hammered hot looking Ella and Michael. Good Start.

A: The plaid shirt was only a small dint in the can, ey?

A: Btw, what color are Sandra O's scrubs today? Are we calling it Lilac?

E: I wish they would have bunnies on them like Zoey's on 'Nurse Jackie'

A: That would be ace!

E: Don't eff with Doc Mancini. Sandra O should know better than to second guess a medical genius like him.

A: Boy he is mad.

E: Where is Kimberly when you need her?

A: Shopping for wigs.

A: Apparently Jonahs 'Biwwy' shirt doubles as a hangover top.

E: Forget the shirt-- Jonah's on the cover of Hollywood Reporter. WHY?!!!

A: Geez, when you screw with Ella, she really returns the favor! I guess Perez will be calling him next.

E: Jonah's hair... thoughts?

A: Well he's channeling a Jonas brother...but which one? Wait...Jonah is channeling a Jonas brother..he's Jonah Jonas!

E: They are all as bad as each other.

A: Oooh do my eyes see some new eye candy?

E: Hmm a new dude. Are your Auggie lovin' eyes ok with that?

A: Well it's not my eyes that are reacting at the moment!

E: [censored]

A: Amanda's interviewing Rack. Some more DIVA magazine modeling?

E: As long as Jo is the photographer then I'm on board!

A: As long as it's not for Anton V!

E: Anton Why.

A: Stop! Rack has mini-gladiator sandals on. No no no! You ain't Rihanna girl!

E: Meanwhile, Amanda's top escaped from Dynasty

A: Yeah Joan Collins is on the phone to her at this very minute.

E: Somebody stole from Amanda? But not Sydney?

A: OMFG it was Peter! Peter stole from Amanda!

E: No wonder he's hiding out in the basement! He stole $15 mill from Amanda. I wonder if he has the $19 million painting that Sydney stole from her...

E: That looks like fun!

A: A movie meeting at the go karts? DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

E: WTF Ella's leggings?

A: I choose not to see the disaster on her legs.

E: 'Cruella Sims'. Quality name right there.

E: B-E-N

A: B-I-L-L-Y

E: Billy wants to get in Rack's pants, right?

A: I'm thinking he's aiming a little north from the pants area.

E: Did he just say he's off to a Polo match? Bill plays polo?

A: No a jockey gets on his beard and rides around while holding a big stick.

E: Omg. Now they're playing crazy golf.

A: This meeting is totally bitchin'

E: A bit like Jonah's second.plaid.shirt. in ONE episode

A: We are being punnished, but I don't know what we did wrong. Plus Ella's top is Speed Racer inspired.

E: She's had a few too many red bulls to shake that hangover of hers and lost control of her ability to select clothes.

A: I wouldn't be blaming the red bull.

E: Meanwhile back at Whilshire Memorial...

A: The eye candy is a doctor? Since when were pretty people allowed to play smart?

E: "People find it hard believe you're brilliant if you're beautiful." The wisdom of Jack & Bobby right there. RIP amazingshowshichwascancelledbytheWBafteroneseason (yeah I'm still bitter)

E: Amanda's on Web MD

A: eBay, more like it. She's got to to make a few bucks selling off her TJ Hooker memorabilia.

E: With a little bit of Spin City set and a few pool tiles thrown in for good measure.

A: I'd take a pool tile! The one Brooke hit her head on! I'll get Kristin Davis to sign it!

E: Remember when they auctioned off pool water back in the day?

A: Hmmmm...hammered Mikey. Everyone is getting hammered. Are they prepping for the return of Alison Parker?

E: This would be way better if he was getting drunk with Syd while they await the return of Alison Parker!

A: Mind you, everything is better with Syd.

A: Mikey blames himself for Syd's death.

E: "I have destroyed every marriage..."

A: All 7 of them. How special will number 8 feel?

A: Davey's gonna tell Michael that he impregnated Vanessa!

E: Your son Noah is actually your grandson....dundundun

A: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

E: Does this really call for some dad/son fighting?

A: Well Michael did just find out his son banged his wife before she was his wife and got her knocked up but she didn't tell anyone until after she died, but she did it in a note to David because she knew she was going to die....wow, that's a lot even for Jerry Springer!

E: So the way to solve this problem is to throw each other though a window.

A: Well it worked for Peter and Michael back in season 5!

E: Now, I'm just wondering where Kim is to kidnap the baby.

A: Still shopping for wigs...she's onto the Raquel Welch collection now.

E: Now this is what I'm talking about!

A: Amanda and Michael in the SAME scene!?!

E: This will be the only good scene in the episode.

A: Is Amanda REALLY seeking medical advice from Michael? Come on! The last time she did that she had cancer and slept with him!

E: "It's my heart"..."You actually have one?"

A: Michael should just give her some Xanax and be done with it!

E: We are so MD-ing it up with Doc Mancini!

A: We just totally skipped through a few scenes.

E: Yeah, but now we have KIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A: Kimber is bangin' and wants Sandra O for some more hookering!

E: Indeed! Perhaps she could star in that HBO show I was suggesting with Amanda as the porn maven?

A: Either way, Kimber is for sure a Melrose resident... She's just had her first blackmail!

E: And a good one too. 'Quit whore-ing and I'll tell everyone at your day job.'

E: Can we have office sex for these two now?

A: Yeah shes gotta get that shirt off him and throw it out. Ella's bad makeup makes her look as old as Bindi Irwin.

E: She can probably tame crocodiles just as well, too

A: Well she's not averse to wearing crocodiles. Ah here's the office sex....

E: Or just some tender kissing. Boooooo!

E: Billy's here which means Amanda can't be far behind!

A: Are my eyes betraying me or does Amanda looks almost human?

E: Yeah Amanda looks HOT in that dress. Quite clearly not a Jane Mancini original

A: Ella would never be caught dead wearing something so tasteful!

E: Sandra O's dress is vile!

A: Whats with the flower on her tits? At least when Sarah Jessica Parker did it, she had it in a respectable place!

E: Like on her head.

A: Ah one last job for 'Hooker P.I'.

E: Please be Michael...

A: FUCK! FUCK!

E: OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A: Woah! Talk about having your cover blown! I love how Mikey hired a whore!

E: This is classic Melrose!

DUNDUNDUN. Fade to black (or blackout with Alison Parker).

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE THIRTEEN...

My oh my! This poor blog is probably feeling like Vile-it did before she arrived at Melrose Place: abandoned and forgotten about. Like Vile-it's mother Sydney, we had better things to do in the mean-time, like Vodka and coke (a-cola!). But all good things and hiatuses must come to an end, so here we are, back and refreshed from our stint at Camp "No More Victims" (thanks for the recomendation Kimberly) and ready to bitch about episode 13!

"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."

A: What do we have here?

E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.

A: In Syd's dreams!

E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.

E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.

A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!

E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.

A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!

E: Rack is calling Jonah.

A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.

E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.

A: She needed to work that rack more!

E: That's a lot of phone calls.

A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"

E: No one did.

A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.

E: He must have a really great voice mail message.

A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."

E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"

A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?

E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!

A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.

E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.

A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?

A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!

E: Fugly shoes!

A: Wha?! Seriously?

E: They are so dire!

A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!

E: This calls for a drink!

A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque

E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!

A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.

E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.

A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!

A: Ella has sex hair.

E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.

A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?

E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.

A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.

A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.

E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"

A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.

E: We are offended in general.

A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.

E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.

A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.

A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.

E: Now that's some talent!

E: Ella is playing party planner.

A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.

E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!

A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.

E: And a mighty short one at that.

A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.

A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?

E: Dying her roots.

A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!

E: Where's Michael?

A: Crying over Sydney.

E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?

A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!

A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!

E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.

A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.

E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.

A: Or just buried.

E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.

A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.

A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.

E: Jo, Kim

A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..

E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.

E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?

A: Oh totally busted!

E: Ella's dress is bangin'

A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.

E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"

A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"

E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.

E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!

A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...

E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."

A: "over and over and over again."

E: Ella is drunk

A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.

E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.

A: Shot down!

E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.

A: Unlike Sandra O.

E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!

A: Jonah wants in.

E: 3-way?

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.

A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!

E: *Throws confetti*

A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?

E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!

A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.

A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.

E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.

A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."

E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.

Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.

E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."

A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"

And that's all from us. Until next week...

much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE NINE...

Guh...we do apologize about the lateness of this recap, but since we got wind that Amanda was heading back to town, we have been in a flurry making sure everything was in it's place for her return. Alison and her vodka have been boxed away under the stairs, Peter is hidden safely in the missing basement and Jane is still in her walk-in wardrobe trying to find her way out....so now that everything is in place, it's time to bitch!

E: I'm already bored by last week's preview.

A: Well except for the Sydney snipets.

E: Speaking of Melrose alums...Is Jo planning on coming back?

A: I haven't heard. I'm still on the 'Jo seducing Ella' storyline we came up with a while ago.

E: BTW, I'm well impressed that you managed to watch this epsiode earlier all by yourself.

A: I almost died doing it.

E: We should probably recap huh?

A: Errm, guess so...

A: So why are hot guys paying Sandra O for sex?

E: Kimber is trying to shield Sandra O from the reality of hookering.

A: Start her off with the Chace Crawfords and Robert Pattinsons and slowly move her down to the Mikey Rourkes and Steve Buscemis.

E: Oh we're in Pink scrubs now?

A: Yeah the pink makes her feel less whorey.

E: I really wish she'd wear teadybear scrubs like Zoey on Nurse Jackie.

A: Throw in the addiction to pills and we got ourselves a show!

A: Why does Jonah's T-shirt say "Life Coach?"

E: Hahahahahahahahaha! Yeah right!

A: Jonah you ain't Ava from Nip/Tuck...now that was a lifecoach!

E: If he had a sex change this might be more interesting though.

A: He/she would still be a douche!

***

E: "What would a boy do without his balls?" Ella is most classy here.

A: Making homos seem hetero...so not cool...though his pink wallpaper on his monitor is somewhat camp.

E: Indeed.

A: So this episode's hot young star is a German director?

E: I'd pay to hear Ella speak German!

A: Oh just wait! You'll be paying up! :)

***

A: Guh...now we are being made to work out what Jonah's T-shirt says in this scene.

E: I can't see enough of it. Anyways, I'm hoping that Riley lands in the can. A lesbian spin-off of her in prison might be somewhat watchable.

A: And Syd's old cellmate Bertha can make regular appearances!

A: "AFRIDERZANE" Ella + German = FAIL

E: OMG. He's meeting Michael Haneke!

A: Jonah is sooo Dawson Leery - minus the Steven Spielberg and the Creek.

E: I really hope they discuss Isabelle Huppert in La Pianiste.

A: This is Los Angeles, and it's Ella and Jonah. We'd be lucky to get something starring Isabella Rossellini.

A: "Dunka Shayne" gawwd Ella...at least attempt to speak German correctly!

E: LOLLLL. Das Lied. Iiiiih! Was fuer ein Arschloch.

A: Ok you need to stop! You're making me feel like Ella! Next thing I know i'll be saying "AFRIDERZANE"

E: Die gehen gleich ins Hotelzimmer.

A: "AFRIDERZANE!"

A: So David believes he is Amelia Earhart in this scarf yes?

E: Apropos of nothing, riding a Ferris wheel stoned is awesome!

A: Class.

A: We NEED to talk about the color of this dress on Ella. It's sort of Lime-Caca-Mustard.

E: Her bag is kind of cool.

A: It's being used to distract from the dress color.

E: I do like the cut of the dress though. Would look amazing in black.

A: Jane Andrews is always one step with her designs.

E: Alas.

A: Geez, Ella is not subtle! "You and me...yes! You and Rack..yawwwn".

E: We could see this coming from episode 1, yes? It follows the Biwwy/Alison Biwwy/Amanda formula.

A: Yeah, though Amanda just used her office while Ella is trying to book some hotel down the street.

A: Rack is AIMING

E: Riley's laptop is pink!

A: She needs to do a Karen Walker and type with her boobs.

E: And also drink vodka before 10am

A: And in a bathrobe

E: I think we need to give them new IM names

A: Riles17...the size of her rack yes?

E: Riles34DD.

E: Michael!! Syd needs to be alive. And shagging you.

A: Thats why he's gone soft on Davey boy.

E: Dear me. Now I'm even bored of this scene.

A: David is stunned by the lameness

E:I fell asleep.

A: You didn't miss much

E: David wants to get in Sandra O's pants.

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: Wonder how much she's gonna charge him?

A: I wonder how much Kimber takes?

E: 20% cut

A: See i was gonna say 15% house rules. Wow you'd be a richer pimp than me!

E: No. definitely 20%.

A: My whores would be less classy too.

E: I have like five cars on Mafia Wars!

A: I let my farm die on Farmville

E: You know this show is screwed when discussing facebook games is more interesting than two characters getting it on...

A: Yeah I just kinda noticed Sandra O and Davey smooching.

E: Thank God that's over..there wasn't even a 'Vile-it' mention! Well at least on Wednesday, if all else fails, I can spend the 45 minutes lamenting Heather Locklear's plastic surgery FAILs.

A: Omg totally!

E: She looked freaky on Conan...yuck.

A: One season on Melrose later she'd be looking all Jocelyn Wildenstein.

E: Or Joan Collins

A: Dear god.

Ah well...Till Wednesday

Love

A&E

"One bad ad can ruin your whole day"

We're really sorry for the delay in getting our 'commentary' of episode six to you. Please don't acquire a drinking problem/ fire us over it.

In the mean time, we wanted to bring you totally awesome footage of Jo Reynolds on Melrose, but apparently the producers still don't seem to get that we only watch this show for the original cast members, so they 'accidentally omitted' Jo from the episode 7 preview. Now, that is a reason to fire someone from D&D if you ask us... So, until people rectify the situation, here's a promotional still of Jo being all photographer-esque.

Apropos of nothing: Jo pings E's gaydar in this pic. Anyone else?