Saturday, 20 March 2010


Before we begin our recap, we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane. Remember back to Melrose Place season 3 (the original, obviously)? Lauren is in jail, and Sydney has just taken over the reins of her hookering business. She's finally become a 'somebody'...a business manager if you will..running a circle of "high class" whores. She's on top of the world. Well, that's us right now....feeling the love from all the readers who have visited our little 2.0 recap blog and had a chuckle at our distaste for Vile-it and our determination to make a Jonah Miller T-Shirt drinking game (amongst other things!) So as we move into the new recap, we would like to say thank you too our loyal readers, and if this is your first time here grab a coffee (or alcoholic beverage of choice), sit down and as we said all along "We're really gonna love it here!"

And with that analogy above, we find it quite befitting that the following recap is brought to you by Lauren's Escort Service: "Lauren Does Los Angeles".

E: "Previously on Melrose Place.... Jonah wore hideous t-shirts, Ashlee Simpson got fired, Sandra O got it off with spawn-of-Mancini, and Amanda Woodward hooked up with Billy Campbell and his hideous beard."

A: Aww crap did you start without me?

E: No. I'm just psychic. I mean what else is going to be on the 'previously on Melrose Place' segment? Biwwy travels to Seattle to kill Keith?

A: That would make this a bit more interesting.

E: Let's go!

A: Look it! No recap! LOL!

E: Wha?! No 'previously on'?

A: At least everyone is getting hammered!

E: Oooh love me some hammered Ella!

A: And she looks hot doing it. I wonder if the wardrobe department will keep Ella off the 'go fug yourself' website this episode?

E: I doubt it. Jonah is wearing a plaid shirt.

A: ::barf:: He's channeling Biwwy for us.

A: Paging Sandra O, Sandra O to the ER Stat!

E: Michael! So we have hammered hot looking Ella and Michael. Good Start.

A: The plaid shirt was only a small dint in the can, ey?

A: Btw, what color are Sandra O's scrubs today? Are we calling it Lilac?

E: I wish they would have bunnies on them like Zoey's on 'Nurse Jackie'

A: That would be ace!

E: Don't eff with Doc Mancini. Sandra O should know better than to second guess a medical genius like him.

A: Boy he is mad.

E: Where is Kimberly when you need her?

A: Shopping for wigs.

A: Apparently Jonahs 'Biwwy' shirt doubles as a hangover top.

E: Forget the shirt-- Jonah's on the cover of Hollywood Reporter. WHY?!!!

A: Geez, when you screw with Ella, she really returns the favor! I guess Perez will be calling him next.

E: Jonah's hair... thoughts?

A: Well he's channeling a Jonas brother...but which one? Wait...Jonah is channeling a Jonas brother..he's Jonah Jonas!

E: They are all as bad as each other.

A: Oooh do my eyes see some new eye candy?

E: Hmm a new dude. Are your Auggie lovin' eyes ok with that?

A: Well it's not my eyes that are reacting at the moment!

E: [censored]

A: Amanda's interviewing Rack. Some more DIVA magazine modeling?

E: As long as Jo is the photographer then I'm on board!

A: As long as it's not for Anton V!

E: Anton Why.

A: Stop! Rack has mini-gladiator sandals on. No no no! You ain't Rihanna girl!

E: Meanwhile, Amanda's top escaped from Dynasty

A: Yeah Joan Collins is on the phone to her at this very minute.

E: Somebody stole from Amanda? But not Sydney?

A: OMFG it was Peter! Peter stole from Amanda!

E: No wonder he's hiding out in the basement! He stole $15 mill from Amanda. I wonder if he has the $19 million painting that Sydney stole from her...

E: That looks like fun!

A: A movie meeting at the go karts? DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

E: WTF Ella's leggings?

A: I choose not to see the disaster on her legs.

E: 'Cruella Sims'. Quality name right there.

E: B-E-N

A: B-I-L-L-Y

E: Billy wants to get in Rack's pants, right?

A: I'm thinking he's aiming a little north from the pants area.

E: Did he just say he's off to a Polo match? Bill plays polo?

A: No a jockey gets on his beard and rides around while holding a big stick.

E: Omg. Now they're playing crazy golf.

A: This meeting is totally bitchin'

E: A bit like Jonah's second.plaid.shirt. in ONE episode

A: We are being punnished, but I don't know what we did wrong. Plus Ella's top is Speed Racer inspired.

E: She's had a few too many red bulls to shake that hangover of hers and lost control of her ability to select clothes.

A: I wouldn't be blaming the red bull.

E: Meanwhile back at Whilshire Memorial...

A: The eye candy is a doctor? Since when were pretty people allowed to play smart?

E: "People find it hard believe you're brilliant if you're beautiful." The wisdom of Jack & Bobby right there. RIP amazingshowshichwascancelledbytheWBafteroneseason (yeah I'm still bitter)

E: Amanda's on Web MD

A: eBay, more like it. She's got to to make a few bucks selling off her TJ Hooker memorabilia.

E: With a little bit of Spin City set and a few pool tiles thrown in for good measure.

A: I'd take a pool tile! The one Brooke hit her head on! I'll get Kristin Davis to sign it!

E: Remember when they auctioned off pool water back in the day?

A: Hmmmm...hammered Mikey. Everyone is getting hammered. Are they prepping for the return of Alison Parker?

E: This would be way better if he was getting drunk with Syd while they await the return of Alison Parker!

A: Mind you, everything is better with Syd.

A: Mikey blames himself for Syd's death.

E: "I have destroyed every marriage..."

A: All 7 of them. How special will number 8 feel?

A: Davey's gonna tell Michael that he impregnated Vanessa!

E: Your son Noah is actually your grandson....dundundun


E: Does this really call for some dad/son fighting?

A: Well Michael did just find out his son banged his wife before she was his wife and got her knocked up but she didn't tell anyone until after she died, but she did it in a note to David because she knew she was going to, that's a lot even for Jerry Springer!

E: So the way to solve this problem is to throw each other though a window.

A: Well it worked for Peter and Michael back in season 5!

E: Now, I'm just wondering where Kim is to kidnap the baby.

A: Still shopping for wigs...she's onto the Raquel Welch collection now.

E: Now this is what I'm talking about!

A: Amanda and Michael in the SAME scene!?!

E: This will be the only good scene in the episode.

A: Is Amanda REALLY seeking medical advice from Michael? Come on! The last time she did that she had cancer and slept with him!

E: "It's my heart"..."You actually have one?"

A: Michael should just give her some Xanax and be done with it!

E: We are so MD-ing it up with Doc Mancini!

A: We just totally skipped through a few scenes.

E: Yeah, but now we have KIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A: Kimber is bangin' and wants Sandra O for some more hookering!

E: Indeed! Perhaps she could star in that HBO show I was suggesting with Amanda as the porn maven?

A: Either way, Kimber is for sure a Melrose resident... She's just had her first blackmail!

E: And a good one too. 'Quit whore-ing and I'll tell everyone at your day job.'

E: Can we have office sex for these two now?

A: Yeah shes gotta get that shirt off him and throw it out. Ella's bad makeup makes her look as old as Bindi Irwin.

E: She can probably tame crocodiles just as well, too

A: Well she's not averse to wearing crocodiles. Ah here's the office sex....

E: Or just some tender kissing. Boooooo!

E: Billy's here which means Amanda can't be far behind!

A: Are my eyes betraying me or does Amanda looks almost human?

E: Yeah Amanda looks HOT in that dress. Quite clearly not a Jane Mancini original

A: Ella would never be caught dead wearing something so tasteful!

E: Sandra O's dress is vile!

A: Whats with the flower on her tits? At least when Sarah Jessica Parker did it, she had it in a respectable place!

E: Like on her head.

A: Ah one last job for 'Hooker P.I'.

E: Please be Michael...



A: Woah! Talk about having your cover blown! I love how Mikey hired a whore!

E: This is classic Melrose!

DUNDUNDUN. Fade to black (or blackout with Alison Parker).

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,


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