"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."
A: What do we have here?
E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.
A: In Syd's dreams!
E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.
E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.
A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!
E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.
A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!
E: Rack is calling Jonah.
A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.
E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.
A: She needed to work that rack more!
E: That's a lot of phone calls.
A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"
E: No one did.
A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.
E: He must have a really great voice mail message.
A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."
E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"
A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?
E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!
A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.
E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.
A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?
A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!
E: Fugly shoes!
A: Wha?! Seriously?
E: They are so dire!
A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!
E: This calls for a drink!
A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque
E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!
A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.
E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.
A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!
A: Ella has sex hair.
E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.
A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?
E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.
A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.
A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.
E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"
A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.
E: We are offended in general.
A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.
E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.
A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.
A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.
E: Now that's some talent!
E: Ella is playing party planner.
A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.
E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!
A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.
E: And a mighty short one at that.
A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.
A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?
E: Dying her roots.
A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!
E: Where's Michael?
A: Crying over Sydney.
E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?
A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!
A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!
E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.
A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.
E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.
A: Or just buried.
E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.
A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.
A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.
E: Jo, Kim
A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..
E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.
E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?
A: Oh totally busted!
E: Ella's dress is bangin'
A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.
E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"
A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"
E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.
E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!
A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...
E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."
A: "over and over and over again."
E: Ella is drunk
A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.
E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.
A: Shot down!
E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.
A: Unlike Sandra O.
E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!
A: Jonah wants in.
E: 3-way?
A: It's gonna cost him.
E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.
A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!
E: *Throws confetti*
A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?
E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!
A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.
A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.
E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.
A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."
E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.
Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.
E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."
A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"
And that's all from us. Until next week...
much love,
A&E
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