Wednesday 31 March 2010

WATCHING EPISODE SIXTEEN....

Previously on Melrose Place...

It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:

A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...

But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.

This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.

A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.

E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!

A: You have got to be kidding me!

E: T-SHIRT!

A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.

E: What does it say?

A: I see an animal in sunglasses....

E: Chinchilla?

A: Oh...

A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.

E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.

A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?

A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!

E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!

E: Holy fuck she's hot!

A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.

E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...

A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.

E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...

A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"

E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.

E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."

A: It was a pretty epic moment!

E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?

A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!

E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!

A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro

E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!

A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!

E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?

A: She's showing off her new knees.

E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!

A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!

E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.

E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...

A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.

E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!

A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!

E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!

A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!

E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?

A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.

E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!

A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!

E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!

E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!

A: For 'American Vogue'?

E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!

A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?

E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga

A: Isn't everything?!

A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!

E: Damn fine and damn hot!

A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!

E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*

A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...

E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.

A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?

E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...

A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?

E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!

A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.

E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.

A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?

E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.

A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?

E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville

A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!

E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!

A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!

E: This scene bores me.

A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb

E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....

E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...

A: Amanda is getting hammered!

E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!

A: For you? Yes.

E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.

A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?

E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!

A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?

E: Jane!

A: In metal?

E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!

A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!

E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.

A: How many of them are still alive?

E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!

A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!

E: Shame she never finished the back of it

A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.

E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.

A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!

E: Beer pong!

A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?

E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.

A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!

E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now

A: That would be awesome!

E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!

A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?

E: Only when Jesse James is around.

A: Burn!

E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!

A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?

E: I love this so much.

A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!

E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!

A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.

E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!

E: Jo!!!!

A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.

E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!

A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!

E: Two in one sitting?!

A: It's just THAT awesome!

A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"

E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?

A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.

E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!

A: Love it!

E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!

A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.

E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."

A: Another line of the season!

E: That's how many this episode?

A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...

E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!

A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!

E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?

A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...

E: Don't even!

A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.

E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.

A: I think so too. Uh oh!

E: Dundundun!

A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!

E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O

A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!

E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."

A: Damn that was some party!

E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!

A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!

E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"

And that's all for this week. Until next time...

much love,

A&E

1 comment:

  1. haha... I love reading your recaps... I also had a bunch of Melrose-gasms last night! lol.

    ReplyDelete