We know, we know. We're terribly late to the party. We have had such a crazy week that it was by pure luck that we were both able to catch each other to watch and discuss this last episode of Melrose Place for 2009. How whack is that? Melrose Place in 2009?! Who would ever have thought that we would be doing this?
While 2.0 really struggled to find its feet in its early episodes, it's safe to say that these last few episodes have really started to pick up the raunch and the pace and bring to us the Melrose Place that we knew and loved. Yes, Jonah is a douche and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is just horrid as Vile-it while Laura Leighton showed the youngsters how its really done and Heather Locklear returned with a brand new face. Needless to say, it's given us 'old school Melrose fans' lots to bitch about! So here it comes...the vodka is chilled and Alison is passed out on the kitchen floor.
Our last 2.0 recap for 2009!
A: Oooh we get a shirtless Jonah for two weeks in a row! Grrrrrrr! Are the producers priming him to be the new Auggie?
E: No, Auggie is still shirtless - for now!
A: I could totally see Jonah and Rack getting married in a rec center and Rack wearing an "off-the-rack dress".
E: Enough! We're on t-shirt duty now. What's he wearing this week?
A: I see a camera...
E: There's some text underneath
A: Man it's too small...they are really making it hard for us now!
E: Jonah wants to go to Vegas. He thinks he's Bradley Cooper
A: Minus the cool factor
E: And the shades and wrecked denim.
E: Ella's frock is classy!
A: It's channeling Sydney in Melrose 1.0 season 5
A: Hmm, the dress is a yes, the makeup is a big no! Seems the ick is moving upwards.
E: Flashback!
A: Seriously, Laura Leighton has not aged a day since 1.0. Freaking stunning.
E: Laura really wants to say "Look what the Santa Anna's blew in.... Why did you fuck up your face?"
A: We could play a game of who aged better...something tells me Laura Leighton would win everytime.
A: Ahh so Syd stole a $19million painting from Amanda. Oh...yawn.
E: Sydney: "Aren't you the one who slept with my boyfriend?" What is this? Highschool?
A: High School Musical 40 starring Heather Locklear!
E: When did Sydney find God anyways?
A: Right after she found herself in a jail cell with Bertha.
E: Jonah is looking at "Love me Tender". This is a gay porn website, yes?
A: Well now I'm concerned about Jonah's research for his wedding...the website looks totally shonky..."The King's Wedding Chapel"
E: He's wanting a theme wedding perhaps?
A: Douchey meets rack?
E: Ella has Ungaro though.
A: Yeah but she's waving it around! You don't 'wave' around Ungaro...you use it to clean up your vomit from a big night out.
E: Possibly a Lindsay Lohan creation then.
E: Ooh Doc Mancini is in the can again.
A: We need Syd around for more of this
A: Wow the mouse is out of the house a little early...Vanessa killed Syd?
E: I win! The boring Mrs. Mancini killed Sydney.
A: Bugger. I'm still going with the cult theory...you know, in my head.
A: So in episode one, Syd's "I've done something terrible" phone call to Daveyboy was about her calling Vanessa?
E: It makes no sense.
A: Yeah. To Syd that wouldn't be terrible. She'd be more like "Suck it bitch...I'm doing your hubby too."
E: Hooker boots on Ella! Hooker boots on Ella!
A: NO NO NO NO NO ELLA! You were there with the dress...now you have gone and ruined it!
E: Yeah, completely ruins the outfit.
A: What, did she steal Sandra O's street walking boots?
A: See now the boots are affecting Ella's judgment. She just called Jonah "The new Spike Jonze"
E: Omg, Jonah has never done a pitch before!
A: He's a virgin!
E: Touched for the very first time!
A: Was he like this the first time he did rack?
E: Ella: "Jonah's it's genius!" No Ella...it's shit.
A: Woah someone is trippin'
E: Sandra O is having a bad reaction to the drugs...Like that wasn't predictable.
A: That finger twitch is just creepy.
E: I'm assuming I should probably be biting my fingernails with worry right now, but instead I'm just bored shitless.
A: I wonder if she's about the get the munchies?
E: Noah wants to "JUMP IN THE...JUMP IN THE POOL!"
A: Dammit, now it's stuck in my head!
A: So Vile-it thinks she's Van Goh yes?
E: Noah is going to improve the drawing for her.
A: Love Daveyboy's tact...can you look after Noah? Vanessa killed your mum..Noah be good..all in one breath.
E: He gets that from his father. The tact of a B-52 Bomber I mean, not the killing his mum.
E: Flashback part 2!
A: Sydney..drinking...all class.
E: I still, for the life of me, cannot locate her top!
A: Still?! We need Hooker P.I to solve this for us!
A: Love this ultra-bitchy side to Syd. Love the nod to the whore comment..
E: Syd is way too hot.
A: Btw - we are totally re-capping this scene afterwards.
E: We so are!
E: Woah! Nice stunt move over the table top!
A: AAARGGGH fuck!
E: NOOOO!!! Syd. Don't be dead.
A: Go the manolos face-smack!
E: Her heels do make a good weapon
A: Omg..I'm crying...that has to be the most full-on death in Melrose history
E: Fo' realz
A: Jonah and Rack finally called it quits...
E: Surprise surprise.
A: I wonder who claims ownership of the princess peach shower curtain?
E: Wasn't that Jane's?
A: Gawd...shes gonna turn it into a dress isn't she?
A: The boring Mrs. Mancini and Vile-it, together in a scene again...what did we do wrong?
E: I really wanted Vanessa to say: "Hey. I know you. You're that REALLY SHIT actress."
A: Vile-it knows the truth
E: You killed my mommy!
A: Flashback part three! Same night..same outfit....
E: Yeah!
A: Aww Syd finally owns up to banging that professor in college and that yes, Vile-it is the result of said banging!
E: Pool fight!
A: I guess someone finally went and "JUMP IN THE....JUMP IN THE POOL!"
E: This was so much better when it was Syd and Jane and the wedding dress.
A: Less bloody and less violent!
E: And more awesome!
A: So Vanessa is toast. We lost one great character and one so so character.
E: Guess that means Doc Mancini can fuck whomever he wants now!
A: Like marriage stopped him before!
E: Augie's shirtless.
A: Auggies man boobs are on display. Man that's some heveage.
E: RACK!
A: Manrack
E: And rack rack. Quality dress that.
A: Look at her side rack! There's a lot of rack in this scene is yawn...but the racks are good!
E: Augie's being an asshole.. and I love it! Did Vile-it just see him macking on Rack?
A: Hey you rhymed! Tho you really wouldn't wanna be caught kissing Vile-its man by Vile-it just after she killed her mothers killer!
E: That's quite a sentence you just wrote there.
A: Ella's dreams just came true! Her man is single!
E: Oh... Ella... How I wish Jonah had been run over by a freight train.
A: All the single ladies...all the single ladies...Hide cause Jonah is now on the market!
E: Ella's hooker boots are here to help
A: Do you reckon Rack's appearance in Diva had something to do with break-up?
E: Surely not... But if Rack gets together with Jo, then I could totally work with that!
A: It'd be more interesting than Jonah eye fucking Ella...ok so not so much eye fucking anymore.
E: Jonah's not wasting any time.
A: There's like revelation music playing...very Dawsons Creek.
E: Ella has a bangin' bod!
A: Yeah this is oddly hot.
E: The end.
A: Ok. REWIND to the demise of Sydney Patricia Andrews-Mancini-Field... Because we know what's really important.
E: I love how Syd calls Vanessa "sweetheart." Drunk Syd is soooo classy
A: Totally. Ooh Syd played the "Noah isn't Doc Mancini's spawn" card!
E: Syd knows that Vanessa must have been a slut too.
A: Man this fight is full on! That stabbing scene always gets me.
E: Noooo!!! But that falling off the table thing is ace!
E: Ooowwww!
A: Heels as a weapon! Love it.
E: Wait. her chain came off.... shouldn't Syd be topless?
A: Apparently it was a necklace and not a chain.
E: It wasn't though... the chain was wrapped through the top.
E: Oh I love her soooo much.
A: Where did the knife come from? it's just there on the floor? Did Syd drop it when she was cutting limes for her Gin?
E: I'm still stuck on the chain/necklace. If I had my way, Syd would be face down, drunk as a skunk and topless in the pool.
A: Doc Mancini would not want it any other way!
Well that's it for us now until after Christmas. We both wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas season and stay tuned as we me have some Christmas themes goodies to post and quite possibly, a Melrose Place 1.0 recap! Watch this space!
Much love,
A&E
that he's easy on the eyes, he's dull. So he works at spiffyShooters and had a bit of a drinking problem... Big deal. There's nothing to set him apart from the others except for the fact that he shagged Sydney. I'm really glad that they're writing him out of the show, because aside from possibly splitting up Jonah and Riley, he's been a colossal waste of space.
more that a bit of a yawn and feels very Jake-and-Alison or Jake-and-Sydney or Jake-and-Jo....you get the drift. He might have played better having been Jake's son (as was originally planned) but his presence leaves Doc Mancini without balls and I need my Doc Mancini with big balls. Plus he's as dumb as a box of hair. Sandra O runs into him on a boat full of hookers and she catches him out stealing, only for Ella to twig that Sandra O is in fact a hooker and was on said boat full of hookers with Daveyboy....I mean come on!
esty, the episode was the best to date and that's saying a lot because Sydney wasn't even in it! There was no hesitation in Amanda's return...click click click of the heels and BAM! Out comes a torrent on one-liners that even made Alison's "You bleach blonde piece of dirt" speech seem tame! Amanda was and is 'Melrose Place' hell. One of the promotional posters from 1.0 was nothing but a close-up of Amanda's face with the words "Mondays are a Bitch" printed right in the middle. Should we have waited this long for her to return? Perhaps not. A lot of press focused in on Heather saving Melrose 1.0 and with her return at a pivotal time in 2.0's life-span took focus away from the return of Amanda and put it on Heather being able to save the show. Anyway, having Amanda back allows us to count how many episodes it takes before the black roots start to show!
Alison who should then bring Jake tagging along. Alison could replace the soon-to-be-AWOL Auggie as the drunk and disorderly resident, and her return could also include some kick-ass flashbacks with alcoholic Sydney, the two of them tearing up the town on a mother of a bender! Ahh I can see it now...hitting Vegas, crashing a Whitehouse party, being photographed getting out of a limo with no underwear on and partying it up with Paris and Britney....it'd be nothing but class with those two!
have done it (quite plausible) but I have my money on Vile-it. Why? Because it would be awesome if in fact, Vile-it was connected to the cult that kidnapped Sydney back in Melrose 1.0. When Sydney escaped, cult follower Rikki made it clear that they would be "Back to get her" and after discovering that Sydney was in fact, alive and well, the cult brain-wash a poor numb-nut Vile-it into believing Sydney is her mother and she was to be 'punished' for abandoning her. Hey this storyline would get Traci Lords back onto our screens!
on the show in what so far has been a thankless role. However, that would also imply that I have some faith in the writers of this show-- I honestly don't. Not really, anyway. They may originally have planned for Michael's wife to be the killer, but what with Ashlee proving herself to be such a shit-tastic actress, Sydney's killer has got to be Vile-it. And somehow, that makes everything twice as bad, because not only are we losing Sydney's awesome hotness, and Laura Leighton's under-rated genius, but we're losing her because of the worst acting to hit our screens since Paris Hilton decided to attempt a film career.
have enough crazy to fill an entire..well...crazy hospital! There would be no way Syd would be all Vanessa Carlton on that thing doing lovey dovey smooshey ballads. She'd be all coked up, slamming away on that thing making as much of a scene as possible though I presume Sydney would dress a bit more fashionable for such a performance..well, I guess it depends how coked up she is and if sister Jane can whip her up an outfit to wear!
wannabe, Caleb is reduced to eye flirting with Anton V (gag) and talking about football. Hell even GayMatt from 1.0 managed to have a few sleep-overs with some menfolk! That aside, my true and utter disappointment so far is Vile-it. Well not so much Vile-it, but Ashlee Simpson as Vile-it. As 1.0 fans, we were treated to some awesome crazy thanks to the likes of Kimberly, Sydney and even Eve in season 7. The big question we wanted answered was who was going to be the new psycho in 2.0 and lo-and-behold it's Vile-it with her Auggie obsessed, Sydney is my mother, I'm going to blackmail Doc Mancini crazy which really fell short of the mark thanks to the acting provided. While I think the character is well written and had the possibility of hitting some decent marks, truth be told, Ashlee just wasn't able to cut it acting wise.
has a very loyal fan-base that has continued long after the original show ended. Fans fondly remember the trashy brilliance that was seasons 2-5. I blame a lot of the initial success of Desperate Housewives on Melrose fans tuning in to see Marcia Cross and Doug Savant share a tv screen again. The producers of 2.0 have failed to capitalize on this and are now paying the ratings price. Pretty young wannabes who can't act their way out of a paper bag, and dull-as-dishwater plot lines don't make for must-see TV. Bringing back Heather, along with Daphne Zuniga, Laura Leighton, Josie Bissett and Thomas Calabro just shows up the young cast as pretty and untalented, and reminds fans of the original why, even at its most ridiculous, the original show was worth tuning in for. Failure to utilise that talent when the cast members do appear is nothing short of repeatedly shooting oneself in the foot.
