Wednesday, 6 January 2010


While we've been feeling the love a little more for the more recent eps of Melrose 2.0 the fact remains that nothing will ever hold a candle to the original. The proof?-- we refuse to rewatch 2.0 episodes, but were positively giddy at having an excuse to watch a classic favourite, "Devil With a G-String On", in which Amanda wears short skirts, Jake gets involved in a bar fight, Sydney gets cosy with a stripper pole, and Marcia Cross' forehead moves. With a special guest appearance from Biwwy's plaid shirts in every. fucking. scene. Also, epic drunken acting from Andrew Shue that makes Vin Diesel look like Jack Nicholson. The city is Los Angeles. The place is your couch. The pool boy still has a job. Fasten your seat-belts... because Michael is not averse to drink-driving.

"The following classic recap is brought to you by Alison's raging hangover and Smirnoff Vodka"

E: Oooh grainy opening credits!

A: Ahh I remember the days when Melrose Place HAD opening credits!

E: The good ole' days of yore! I love how Michael looks stoned in all his snippets.

A: He's still getting over the effects of the lameness that was season one.

E: "In alphabetical order" ... except for permanent guest star Heather Locklear.

A: Well of course. That was part of the Melrose appeal.

A: So I guess we're starting with fashion, right? 'Cause Matt's brown suit is a serious no no!

E: And Alison is in mum jeans? Ick!

A: I can't believe the term 'hipster jeans' wasn't even a word then.

E: Praise be low-rise NY dark-wash Sevens! Random observation, Daphne Zuniga is much hotter these days.

A: I think it's her actually growing into her face, but yes...much hotter now!

E: Mind you, I just spent the past hour watching 'Cougar Town' wanting to shag Courteney Cox Arquette, so it seems I'm onto a theme here.

A: Wanting to shag older women who look better in their 40's than their 20's?

E: *hangs head in shame* While I'm at confessions, I'll add Laura Leighton onto that list too, though she looks good at any age.


A: So Melrose has a habit of recycling bit part actors and bringing them back seasons later for major roles (i.e - Kyle and Coop), just noticed that bit part doctor comes back seasons later as one of GayMatt's boyfriends!

E: Just so long as they don't ever. ever. ever. recycle Ashlee, I'm cool with it.

E: Before 'Ally McBeal' there was Amanda Woodward, raising hemlines one episode at a time.

A: Well someone had to be a pioneer of the short-skirt/long-jacket look!

E: OK. let's draw some parallels here.
1) Biwwy's bad shirts - Jonah's Douchey T's

2) Alison's early 20's angst - Rack's early 20's Rack angst

A: But Alison's angst has authenticity. She's not relying on her rack, for a start.


A: Ahhh. The original psycho bitch!

E: Kimberly AND Michael!

A: One of the best 'A' Teams going! :)

E: 'A' is for asshole.

E: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have black roots!

A: Amanda just isn't Amanda without those black roots. Also, I want Chas' hair.

E: His hair or the gel he uses to get the style?

A: I think I need both. If you don't have that cut, the gel ain't going to produce that work of art on his head.

E: I think a lawnmower would give a better haircut. Mind you, Jack Wagner perfected this 'highrise duck-tail' look when he joined the show, so maybe it's just foreshadowing.

A: True. No one did that hair better than Peter.

A: SYDNEY! There's my girl!

E: Stripper!Syd

A: Geez she looks young there!

E: And hot. Come on Syd, loose the top!

A: "What's your stage name?" "Jane...just Jane"

E: Busty La Roux!

A: Much more creative!

E: Hey, you coined it.

A: Syd owned it.

A: Holy side boob Batman!

E: It's like Sydney watched 'Flashdance' and decided she could out-do Jennifer Beals.

A: Sydney stripping on a chair and then being covered by water falling from the roof?


E: Meanwhile at Mancini Designs (and I stress the Mancini bit)

A: Jane is designing (and I stress the designing bit)

E: Oh look, Marcia's forehead moves! How I miss that.

A: The 90's...when botox was still in its chemical warfare stages and actresses in their 40's drank babies' blood to stay looking young.

E: *nostalgia* It's easy to forget how crazy Kimmy actually got.

A: She really does get the angry psycho act going!

A: Why is she rubbing her temples? Too much psycho building up?

E: Don't fuck with Kimberly...she will get a headache.

E: Amanda's power suit jacket is longer than her skirt. I think it's a keeper.

A: So you're ignoring the fact that Amanda's shoes are BEIGE?!

E: My eyes chose not to see that horrid mess down there. They're being selective today.

A: Wanna talk mess? Let's talk Alison's mum hair cut.


E: Alison is all goody-two-shoes.

A: Shoe does it well.

E: Secretly she just wants to give Chas a crew cut.

A: But his big hair matches his big jaw. Man that thing could cut through steel!

A: Models Inc. cross-over!

E: Win!

A: I wonder what Cassidy Rae is doing these days?

E: Models Inc. so needs a revamp.

A: They did... well, sort of. It was called "The Beautiful Life" on the CW. Lasted one whole episode before being axed.

E: Really?!

A: Two words - Mischa Barton.

E: hahahaha!

A: And Elle McPherson.

E: Well at least it's not Nicole Ritchie, right?

E: I miss all the spying through the blinds...and Alison's wall decor.

A: Those Venetian Blinds were good for spying!

E: They were! I think at some stage or another, each and every tenant peeked through those blinds at what was going on out in the courtyard.

A: I wonder if Billy and Alison have the same Princess Peach shower curtain as Jonah and Rack?

E: Sadly they don't have a bathroom. Portable bathrooms weren't invented until 2.0.

A: So they just use the pool? So that's why there is a pool boy!

A: Woah, Alison's all bra-esque.

E: Quality! Everyone gets their kit off in this episode!

A: So basically Alison is getting Biwwy all horned up, then sending him out to the strippers for his bachelor party?

E: Alison has always been the cunning one.

A: More Models Inc. Cross-over.

E: That bitch is on the Cosmo cover?! My arse she is!

A: Hillary is Janice Dickinson though Linda Evans hadn't really touched the scalpels' knife as much as Janice.

E: Icon of the Spelling soap. On the upside, it looks like Hillary passed on her love of bad plastic surgery to her daughter Amanda.

A: True that...though Amanda didn't get the taste for it until she came back from New York.

E: I see Amanda's mom has the same taste in short skirts.

A: Actually that one is Amanda's.

E: While Amanda's cardigan is a Jane Mancini original.

A: I think Amanda's dress sense went a little south when her mom showed up.

E: Is Amanda banging her mum's toyboy already?

A: Yeah, Alison caught them doing it on the office floor.

E: Classy.

A: I love how GayMatt can't kiss a bloke, but he can be forced to watch women take their clothes off at a strip club.

E: I like Michel's toast to Billy. "Billy is about to go where no man has gone before...except me...twice, and soon to be three times."

A: Michael has no idea he'll be notching up number 7 in no time.

E: Stripping Syd! I am far more excited about this than I should be.

A: I wonder if this is where Doug Savant fell for Laura Leighton?

E: Now there's a story to tell the kids...

E: Biwwy is shit-faced!

A: Alison's PJ's are sexy! How do the boys resist?

E: Aren't they Biwwy's?

A: Sadly I think they are hers.

E: The pants are ok. I just have issues with everything being so matchy matchy. Beige shoes, beige skirt, beige shirt, beige jacket. Everything is the one color!

A: T'was the time!

E: The ball has dropped.

A: Yup, Alison is letting all the beans spill now. Go on Alison, tell Jake that Amanda banged Chas. That's what he wants to hear right after being at the strip joint.

E: Verbal diarrhea is Alison's specialty.

A: Amanda is on the warpath!

E: Amanda and her roots are back in town!

A: OMG. Amanda is going for it!

E: Amanda literally has Alison against the wall. Love it!

A: Melrose 2.0 writers should really take note. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!

E: I'm sure Amanda's jaw just un-hinged and she was about to swallow Alison whole.

A: Now that'd be a sight!

A: Hey Syd's playing dress-up!

E: Classy Syd!

A: And it's the original Wendy/Kimber!

E: Who funnily enough is named Lauren!

A: Woah Syd has some awesome drink throwing skills there!

E: And then she gets kicked out!

A: "I don't deal in tramps. Who does she think she is? Cinder-freaking-ella?" Love this line from Sydney!

E: Word!


A: I can't believe how quickly that episode went!

E: I know, and as much as we love 1.0, I love how we can still be somewhat ruthless towards it.

A: I think that's why we love it!

E: 2.0 makes you appreciate everything.

A: Except for mum jeans.

And thus concludes our first retro recap. We'd like to wish all our readers a happy, healthy, and not too sordid 2010, and we look forward to bringing you plenty more recaps and snarky post. Something tells us there's going to be a lot to bitch about, including a kick-ass reunion episode with Jo, Jane, and Amanda's freaky face. Stay tuned!

Much Love,


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