WATCHING EPISODE SIXTEEN....

Previously on Melrose Place...

It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:

A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...

But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.

This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.

A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.

E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!

A: You have got to be kidding me!

E: T-SHIRT!

A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.

E: What does it say?

A: I see an animal in sunglasses....

E: Chinchilla?

A: Oh...

A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.

E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.

A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?

A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!

E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!

E: Holy fuck she's hot!

A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.

E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...

A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.

E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...

A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"

E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.

E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."

A: It was a pretty epic moment!

E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?

A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!

E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!

A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro

E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!

A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!

E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?

A: She's showing off her new knees.

E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!

A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!

E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.

E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...

A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.

E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!

A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!

E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!

A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!

E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?

A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.

E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!

A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!

E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!

E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!

A: For 'American Vogue'?

E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!

A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?

E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga

A: Isn't everything?!

A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!

E: Damn fine and damn hot!

A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!

E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*

A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...

E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.

A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?

E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...

A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?

E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!

A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.

E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.

A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?

E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.

A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?

E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville

A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!

E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!

A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!

E: This scene bores me.

A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb

E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....

E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...

A: Amanda is getting hammered!

E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!

A: For you? Yes.

E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.

A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?

E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!

A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?

E: Jane!

A: In metal?

E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!

A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!

E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.

A: How many of them are still alive?

E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!

A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!

E: Shame she never finished the back of it

A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.

E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.

A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!

E: Beer pong!

A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?

E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.

A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!

E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now

A: That would be awesome!

E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!

A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?

E: Only when Jesse James is around.

A: Burn!

E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!

A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?

E: I love this so much.

A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!

E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!

A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.

E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!

E: Jo!!!!

A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.

E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!

A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!

E: Two in one sitting?!

A: It's just THAT awesome!

A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"

E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?

A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.

E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!

A: Love it!

E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!

A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.

E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."

A: Another line of the season!

E: That's how many this episode?

A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...

E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!

A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!

E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?

A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...

E: Don't even!

A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.

E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.

A: I think so too. Uh oh!

E: Dundundun!

A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!

E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O

A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!

E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."

A: Damn that was some party!

E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!

A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!

E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"

And that's all for this week. Until next time...

much love,

A&E