WATCHING EPISODE EIGHTEEN...

First off, we'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode, but we did this for very good reasons. Normally we choose doing the recap over a massive drinking binge, but when we find ourselves with two separate episodes featuring new Doctor "Duuuuuuuuuude" Drew and his cover band doing rock versions of "Who let the dogs out" (who? who?!) and "Mary had a Little Lamb", it turned out that we preferred liquor over actually watching the thing. Once again, our apologies. Allison, does, however, send her regards.

So peeps... Here it is: the season one finale of Melrose Place 2.0! Bitching, bed-hopping, blackmail, T-shirts, bad fashion, vodka, bad acting, spiffy!Shooters, and hookers have all played a major part in this 'new' season and given us plenty to snark about. We met newbies we immediately pegged as 1.0 residents and squeed when some familiar old faces returned. Sydney was still a smokin' hot bitch (with a new found fondness of white powder and $20 notes). Doc Mancini was still a man-whore, intent on being all powerful. Amanda showed off her new face, knees, blonder hair-do and updated powersuits. Jane was still trying to convince everyone she IS a designer and became somewhat more conniving and bitchy than we remember and Jo... Well, Jo turned out to be the main object of E's affections, much to everyone's surprise.

We've laughed, judged, drunk, cried (in pain), harvested our farmville crops, drunk and judged some more this season and, for the most part, loved every minute of it!

Now it's time to put the vodka down and get to business.

"This recap is brought to you by 'Amanda's Micro-Minis' : Bringing slutty style to the over 40's since 2010'"

A: Wow. Jonah and Ella have really sweaty sex!

E: I wonder if they have Tina Turners "Steamy Windows" playing

A: Certainly would go with the sweaty theme.

E: I'm sure there's a pun hidden in the line, "Big bad Amanda can huff and puff all she likes," but it's eluding me at present.

A: Ask Biwwy?

E: Which one? The character, or the actor?

A: There's too many Billy Campbells! I had enough trouble dealing with one!

E: One is the loneliest number.

E: PAINTING!

A: Ooh the missing painting! Wait...OMG did Jonah have it?

E: Figures...

A: Jonah has classy piece of art and he hides it in the closet!

A: OMG

E: OMG

A: I love how "OMG" is all we can muster when Laura Leighton appears on our screen.

E: Can you pause it? I need a cold shower.

A: So is she alive?! Have we been duped all along and Miss Thang is still kicking about?

E: No. Sadly, Amanda's tripping.

A: Whatever pills Amanda's on I gotta have em'!

E: I want a trip if Syd's that hot in them!

A: It's a Bugger that she's still dead... even if she's like, you know, hot dead.

A: Me likey the red on Ella.

E: Me not so much.

A: Amanda finds a Prada button and a piece of blonde hair and assumes it's Ella's? Has Amanda been working with Hooker P.I?

E: Well Sandra O is no longer hookering so she needs money any which way she can!

A: Amanda: "I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine." Pot calling the kettle black yes?

E: Prada Ninja : Now that's got to be the name of the spin-off.

A: New to FOX "The Prada Ninja"

E: this weeks special guest "The Vulture in Versace!"

A: SMACK! Well a good ole' biatch slap is what has been missing!

E: Face it, Ella. Amanda owns your ass.

E: Ooooh. Painting.

A: Ella knows she's got the one Amanda has been looking for.

E: She does. She also has fugly art.

A: Errrm Sydney painted that masterpiece.

E: Sure..while she was on a coke trip!

A: Ella believes her and Syd were like 'sisters'? Maybe drinking buddies more like it.

E: Drinking frenemies, even.

A: Err...wait? Where did the painting originate again? Jonah's apartment or Auggie's?

E: How many times do we have to clarify this? The. Basement.

E: T SHIRT alert. T Shirt alert!

A: About time. I was starting to get worried. So we have: "Your mom goes to college."

E: It made me laugh?

A: I love how your "It made me laugh? ooozes confusion!

E: This scene is kinda Biwwy and Alison, by the way.

A: But less interesting

E: And less plaid

A: and less powder blue bathrobes.

E: And "one bad ad can ruin your whole day."

A: I do miss D&D Advertising.

A: Purple shirt on Jonah! Boooo! Bring back the T-Shirts!

E: More douchey assholes!

A: Oh yeah, By the way, Jonah became a director of his own movie. I totally forgot about that.

E: We forget because we care.

A: He's gonna put all the cast in slogan t-shirts: "tripple threat - writing, directing, douching"

E: or "Waterworld 2."

E: Apropos of nothing... is it just me or does blondie look a bit like a young Tea Leoni?

A: Less hot, but yes.

E: WOW. this alumni mixer is dull.

A: True story but her flight attendant neck scarf is kinda nice, though.

E: Spiffy shooters!

A: Bimbo's back.

E: Calling him "daddy" makes you horrid.

A: And seven years old.

E: "She just got a Malti-poo" might be the WORST line of the season.

A: It could only have been worse if Vile-it had said it.

E: MANDA!

A: In Doctor "Duuuuuude" Drew's pad.

E: More Syd stripping please... err... tripping. yes.

A: Would be awesome. Ahh! We have another Prada Ninja!

E: Prada Ninja really could be the next Llamas with Hats.

A: So Jane gave Amanda keys to all the apartments? Why did you give her the keys, Jane?!

A: And now Ella has Amanda by the balls!

E: I think by the stilettos, actually.

A: "Ella Sims and Associates"? What associates?

E: Jonah's t-shirts

A: She'll be repping Jane? If so Ella Sims and Associates would be a major flop.

E: Oooh. Would you look at that? Ella's a smart cookie.

A: Who knew? Smart in life, dumb in fashion.

A: What's going on?

E: Oh Michael, you naughty Doctor man, you!

A: THIS IS WHY WE LOVE DOC MANCINI!

E: He planted Oxy. It's Nurse Jackie's favourite drug.

A: lmao! Mancini and Nurse Jackie. Now that's a pairing.

E: Somewhere, Darren Star is crying at the thought of it.

A: Lame. Rack and Jonah are being all questioning about their break-up.

E: Wake me up when this scene is over.

A: I wonder if my Farmville crops are ready?

E: Weren't Biwwy and Allison in the same situation at the end of season 1?

A: Wasn't she on a plane to Atlanta?

E: I can't remember, but if we can send Rack to Atlanta, that would be cool by me.

A: Go to Manhattan and bring back Megan.

E: Yeah. Pick her up from Gossip Girl

A: She can bring her outfits too.

E: Yes please. Amanda *wishes* she had her dress sense.

A: Plus, you know Megan totally has five kids named Mick, Mike, Mikey, M. and Prince Michael Jr.

E: *cue moral dilemma music*

A: Will she allow the surgery to go ahead? Come on Hooker P.I do your thang!

A: This is all so Greys Anatomy.

E: I was thinking more 'General Hospital'.

E: Ella's getting hammered

A: With curly hair!

E: She looks classy

A: That dress is totally the one in the early promo posters.

E: It is, isn't it?

E: You have to wonder what kind of world we live in where Ella is rejected by Jonah.

A: Woah! Millah the mood killah.

E: I hope Ella's mascara is waterproof.

A: Well her lipstick is vodka proof.

E: So is mine.

A: And mine.

A: She'll go onto chicks now, yes?

E: Please.

E: Syd flashback!

A: Amanda had the painting and sold it. She's a quick worker.

E: ka-ching! Money Money Money Money....MONEY!

E: OMG

A: HOTNESS

E: Laura Leighton just agreed to come back for this ep so she could show her rockin' body off in a slew of insanely hot dresses, right?

A: And to give you and me one more drool session. Ahhh BOOTS. Sexy boots.

A: oh Syd put a snap on Amanda! "I don't need anyone to share with"

E: "I told myself the same thing. Look where I ended up."

A: Laura Leighton is insanely hot.

E: That should really be our entire season recap. Melrose 2.0, season 1: Laura Leighton is insanely hot. The end.

A: Doctor Duuuude is stealing Jonah's t-shirt.

E: It's the uniform of douchey assholes.

A: Wow. Rack spends 5 years with Jonah, breaks up, and 10mins later hooks up with Duuuuude Doc.

E: Duuuuuude is a sex addict.

A: He had a penis extension? Oh wait. No. Something like a hole in his heart.

E: Ooh twist! He had the surgery! Michael might be killing Duuuuuude Doc!

A: Woah. Plot twist.

E: Well, at least that means his boring ass will be out of here soon.

E: Ella is all 'My skirt is shorter than Amanda's so suck it, bitch."

A: Well, she still has her originial knees

E: And bought herself a Birkin.

A: Oh, Amanda you didn't! Talk about being an Indian giver!

E: Amanda pwns.

A: Ella's 'smart in life skills' have reared again! Blackmailing the blackmailer!

A: OMG. It's like when Alsion took over D&D.

A: oh my god. Ella wins this round, it seems!

E: Amanda's going in the can!

A: THIS MEANS WAR!

E: Allison can come back now.

E: Bastards!! They cut a Sydney scene out!

A: Where's the leopard print dress?!

E: I feel cheated

A: So does Amanda. She wanted to see her leopard print sheets again.

A: This is wrong.

E: They robbed me of leopard-print!Syd

A: not fair!

E: although.... Amanda getting dragged of by the cops was pretty funny...

A: Season 2: Nothing but orange jumpsuits

E: With orange Louboutains!

That all from us. We hope you enjoyed our final recap of season 1. Next week, we'll be posting our best and worst list of season 1, and our 'predictions' for season 2. Hope to see you all again soon.

much love,

A & E

She's Baaaaack!

We here at MP 2.0 love love love our original Melrose residents. The likes of Jo, Amanda, Sydney, Lexi and Kimberly (plus others) were responsible for our love of wigs, blackmail, vodka and mini skirts and have shaped us into the bed-hopping bitches we are today. We love them even more when they stop by in this new version, and after last weeks Melrose-gasm inducing episode of Jo, Jane, Michael and Amanda, it's been revealed that our favorite hooker Sydney (Laura Leighton) is making a surprise return appearance in the season (or series) finale!

Now why is this a surprise appearance? Well as far as fans were concerned, Sydney was well and truly dead and any need for her 'flashbacks' were pretty much over with the big "Who killed Sydney" reveal back in episode 12, and the only references to one of Melrose Place's greats was in passing comment regarding Amanda and a missing painting worth $19million.

CW honchos are keeping mum on the subject so we will have to wait until Tuesday night to find out if Sydney has a heartbeat or is still buried 6 feet under, but this isn't stopping fans, new and old, from coming up with their own crazy conclusions!

Judging by the picture below, we are finally able to answer the question that has been bugging both of us...

"What ever happened to Amanda's sheets?"



The Melrose Place season finale' airs this Tuesday Night on the CW 9/8c

WATCHING THE EPISODES- The Retro Edition

While we've been feeling the love a little more for the more recent eps of Melrose 2.0 the fact remains that nothing will ever hold a candle to the original. The proof?-- we refuse to rewatch 2.0 episodes, but were positively giddy at having an excuse to watch a classic favourite, "Devil With a G-String On", in which Amanda wears short skirts, Jake gets involved in a bar fight, Sydney gets cosy with a stripper pole, and Marcia Cross' forehead moves. With a special guest appearance from Biwwy's plaid shirts in every. fucking. scene. Also, epic drunken acting from Andrew Shue that makes Vin Diesel look like Jack Nicholson. The city is Los Angeles. The place is your couch. The pool boy still has a job. Fasten your seat-belts... because Michael is not averse to drink-driving.

"The following classic recap is brought to you by Alison's raging hangover and Smirnoff Vodka"

E: Oooh grainy opening credits!

A: Ahh I remember the days when Melrose Place HAD opening credits!

E: The good ole' days of yore! I love how Michael looks stoned in all his snippets.

A: He's still getting over the effects of the lameness that was season one.

E: "In alphabetical order" ... except for permanent guest star Heather Locklear.

A: Well of course. That was part of the Melrose appeal.

A: So I guess we're starting with fashion, right? 'Cause Matt's brown suit is a serious no no!

E: And Alison is in mum jeans? Ick!

A: I can't believe the term 'hipster jeans' wasn't even a word then.

E: Praise be low-rise NY dark-wash Sevens! Random observation, Daphne Zuniga is much hotter these days.

A: I think it's her actually growing into her face, but yes...much hotter now!

E: Mind you, I just spent the past hour watching 'Cougar Town' wanting to shag Courteney Cox Arquette, so it seems I'm onto a theme here.

A: Wanting to shag older women who look better in their 40's than their 20's?

E: *hangs head in shame* While I'm at confessions, I'll add Laura Leighton onto that list too, though she looks good at any age.

A:High-Five!

A: So Melrose has a habit of recycling bit part actors and bringing them back seasons later for major roles (i.e - Kyle and Coop), just noticed that bit part doctor comes back seasons later as one of GayMatt's boyfriends!

E: Just so long as they don't ever. ever. ever. recycle Ashlee, I'm cool with it.

E: Before 'Ally McBeal' there was Amanda Woodward, raising hemlines one episode at a time.

A: Well someone had to be a pioneer of the short-skirt/long-jacket look!

E: OK. let's draw some parallels here.
1) Biwwy's bad shirts - Jonah's Douchey T's

2) Alison's early 20's angst - Rack's early 20's Rack angst

A: But Alison's angst has authenticity. She's not relying on her rack, for a start.

E: KIMBERLY!

A: Ahhh. The original psycho bitch!

E: Kimberly AND Michael!

A: One of the best 'A' Teams going! :)

E: 'A' is for asshole.

E: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have black roots!

A: Amanda just isn't Amanda without those black roots. Also, I want Chas' hair.

E: His hair or the gel he uses to get the style?

A: I think I need both. If you don't have that cut, the gel ain't going to produce that work of art on his head.

E: I think a lawnmower would give a better haircut. Mind you, Jack Wagner perfected this 'highrise duck-tail' look when he joined the show, so maybe it's just foreshadowing.

A: True. No one did that hair better than Peter.

A: SYDNEY! There's my girl!

E: Stripper!Syd

A: Geez she looks young there!

E: And hot. Come on Syd, loose the top!

A: "What's your stage name?" "Jane...just Jane"

E: Busty La Roux!

A: Much more creative!

E: Hey, you coined it.

A: Syd owned it.

A: Holy side boob Batman!

E: It's like Sydney watched 'Flashdance' and decided she could out-do Jennifer Beals.

A: Sydney stripping on a chair and then being covered by water falling from the roof?

E: DROOL.

E: Meanwhile at Mancini Designs (and I stress the Mancini bit)

A: Jane is designing (and I stress the designing bit)

E: Oh look, Marcia's forehead moves! How I miss that.

A: The 90's...when botox was still in its chemical warfare stages and actresses in their 40's drank babies' blood to stay looking young.

E: *nostalgia* It's easy to forget how crazy Kimmy actually got.

A: She really does get the angry psycho act going!

A: Why is she rubbing her temples? Too much psycho building up?

E: Don't fuck with Kimberly...she will get a headache.

E: Amanda's power suit jacket is longer than her skirt. I think it's a keeper.

A: So you're ignoring the fact that Amanda's shoes are BEIGE?!

E: My eyes chose not to see that horrid mess down there. They're being selective today.

A: Wanna talk mess? Let's talk Alison's mum hair cut.

E: FAIL.

E: Alison is all goody-two-shoes.

A: Shoe does it well.

E: Secretly she just wants to give Chas a crew cut.

A: But his big hair matches his big jaw. Man that thing could cut through steel!

A: Models Inc. cross-over!

E: Win!

A: I wonder what Cassidy Rae is doing these days?

E: Models Inc. so needs a revamp.

A: They did... well, sort of. It was called "The Beautiful Life" on the CW. Lasted one whole episode before being axed.

E: Really?!

A: Two words - Mischa Barton.

E: hahahaha!

A: And Elle McPherson.

E: Well at least it's not Nicole Ritchie, right?

E: I miss all the spying through the blinds...and Alison's wall decor.

A: Those Venetian Blinds were good for spying!

E: They were! I think at some stage or another, each and every tenant peeked through those blinds at what was going on out in the courtyard.

A: I wonder if Billy and Alison have the same Princess Peach shower curtain as Jonah and Rack?

E: Sadly they don't have a bathroom. Portable bathrooms weren't invented until 2.0.

A: So they just use the pool? So that's why there is a pool boy!

A: Woah, Alison's all bra-esque.

E: Quality! Everyone gets their kit off in this episode!

A: So basically Alison is getting Biwwy all horned up, then sending him out to the strippers for his bachelor party?

E: Alison has always been the cunning one.

A: More Models Inc. Cross-over.

E: That bitch is on the Cosmo cover?! My arse she is!

A: Hillary is Janice Dickinson though Linda Evans hadn't really touched the scalpels' knife as much as Janice.

E: Icon of the Spelling soap. On the upside, it looks like Hillary passed on her love of bad plastic surgery to her daughter Amanda.

A: True that...though Amanda didn't get the taste for it until she came back from New York.

E: I see Amanda's mom has the same taste in short skirts.

A: Actually that one is Amanda's.

E: While Amanda's cardigan is a Jane Mancini original.

A: I think Amanda's dress sense went a little south when her mom showed up.

E: Is Amanda banging her mum's toyboy already?

A: Yeah, Alison caught them doing it on the office floor.

E: Classy.

A: I love how GayMatt can't kiss a bloke, but he can be forced to watch women take their clothes off at a strip club.

E: I like Michel's toast to Billy. "Billy is about to go where no man has gone before...except me...twice, and soon to be three times."

A: Michael has no idea he'll be notching up number 7 in no time.

E: Stripping Syd! I am far more excited about this than I should be.

A: I wonder if this is where Doug Savant fell for Laura Leighton?

E: Now there's a story to tell the kids...

E: Biwwy is shit-faced!

A: Alison's PJ's are sexy! How do the boys resist?

E: Aren't they Biwwy's?

A: Sadly I think they are hers.

E: The pants are ok. I just have issues with everything being so matchy matchy. Beige shoes, beige skirt, beige shirt, beige jacket. Everything is the one color!

A: T'was the time!

E: The ball has dropped.

A: Yup, Alison is letting all the beans spill now. Go on Alison, tell Jake that Amanda banged Chas. That's what he wants to hear right after being at the strip joint.

E: Verbal diarrhea is Alison's specialty.

A: Amanda is on the warpath!

E: Amanda and her roots are back in town!

A: OMG. Amanda is going for it!

E: Amanda literally has Alison against the wall. Love it!

A: Melrose 2.0 writers should really take note. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!

E: I'm sure Amanda's jaw just un-hinged and she was about to swallow Alison whole.

A: Now that'd be a sight!

A: Hey Syd's playing dress-up!

E: Classy Syd!

A: And it's the original Wendy/Kimber!

E: Who funnily enough is named Lauren!

A: Woah Syd has some awesome drink throwing skills there!

E: And then she gets kicked out!

A: "I don't deal in tramps. Who does she think she is? Cinder-freaking-ella?" Love this line from Sydney!

E: Word!

***

A: I can't believe how quickly that episode went!

E: I know, and as much as we love 1.0, I love how we can still be somewhat ruthless towards it.

A: I think that's why we love it!

E: 2.0 makes you appreciate everything.

A: Except for mum jeans.

And thus concludes our first retro recap. We'd like to wish all our readers a happy, healthy, and not too sordid 2010, and we look forward to bringing you plenty more recaps and snarky post. Something tells us there's going to be a lot to bitch about, including a kick-ass reunion episode with Jo, Jane, and Amanda's freaky face. Stay tuned!

Much Love,

A&E