Previously on Melrose Place...
It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:
A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...
But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.
This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.
A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.
E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!
A: You have got to be kidding me!
E: T-SHIRT!
A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.
E: What does it say?
A: I see an animal in sunglasses....
E: Chinchilla?
A: Oh...
A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.
E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.
A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?
A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!
E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!
E: Holy fuck she's hot!
A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.
E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...
A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.
E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...
A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"
E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.
E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."
A: It was a pretty epic moment!
E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?
A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!
E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!
A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro
E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!
A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!
E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?
A: She's showing off her new knees.
E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!
A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!
E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.
E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...
A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.
E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!
A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!
E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!
A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!
E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?
A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.
E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!
A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!
E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!
E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!
A: For 'American Vogue'?
E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!
A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?
E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga
A: Isn't everything?!
A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!
E: Damn fine and damn hot!
A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!
E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*
A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...
E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.
A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?
E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...
A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?
E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!
A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.
E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.
A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?
E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.
A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?
E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville
A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!
E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!
A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!
E: This scene bores me.
A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb
E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....
E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...
A: Amanda is getting hammered!
E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!
A: For you? Yes.
E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.
A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?
E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!
A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?
E: Jane!
A: In metal?
E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!
A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!
E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.
A: How many of them are still alive?
E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!
A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!
E: Shame she never finished the back of it
A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.
E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.
A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!
E: Beer pong!
A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?
E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.
A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!
E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now
A: That would be awesome!
E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!
A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?
E: Only when Jesse James is around.
A: Burn!
E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!
A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?
E: I love this so much.
A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!
E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!
A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.
E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!
E: Jo!!!!
A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.
E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!
A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!
E: Two in one sitting?!
A: It's just THAT awesome!
A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"
E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?
A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.
E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!
A: Love it!
E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!
A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.
E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."
A: Another line of the season!
E: That's how many this episode?
A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...
E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!
A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!
E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?
A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...
E: Don't even!
A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.
E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.
A: I think so too. Uh oh!
E: Dundundun!
A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!
E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O
A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!
E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."
A: Damn that was some party!
E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!
A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!
E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"
And that's all for this week. Until next time...
much love,
A&E
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