WATCHING EPISODE EIGHTEEN...

First off, we'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode, but we did this for very good reasons. Normally we choose doing the recap over a massive drinking binge, but when we find ourselves with two separate episodes featuring new Doctor "Duuuuuuuuuude" Drew and his cover band doing rock versions of "Who let the dogs out" (who? who?!) and "Mary had a Little Lamb", it turned out that we preferred liquor over actually watching the thing. Once again, our apologies. Allison, does, however, send her regards.

So peeps... Here it is: the season one finale of Melrose Place 2.0! Bitching, bed-hopping, blackmail, T-shirts, bad fashion, vodka, bad acting, spiffy!Shooters, and hookers have all played a major part in this 'new' season and given us plenty to snark about. We met newbies we immediately pegged as 1.0 residents and squeed when some familiar old faces returned. Sydney was still a smokin' hot bitch (with a new found fondness of white powder and $20 notes). Doc Mancini was still a man-whore, intent on being all powerful. Amanda showed off her new face, knees, blonder hair-do and updated powersuits. Jane was still trying to convince everyone she IS a designer and became somewhat more conniving and bitchy than we remember and Jo... Well, Jo turned out to be the main object of E's affections, much to everyone's surprise.

We've laughed, judged, drunk, cried (in pain), harvested our farmville crops, drunk and judged some more this season and, for the most part, loved every minute of it!

Now it's time to put the vodka down and get to business.

"This recap is brought to you by 'Amanda's Micro-Minis' : Bringing slutty style to the over 40's since 2010'"

A: Wow. Jonah and Ella have really sweaty sex!

E: I wonder if they have Tina Turners "Steamy Windows" playing

A: Certainly would go with the sweaty theme.

E: I'm sure there's a pun hidden in the line, "Big bad Amanda can huff and puff all she likes," but it's eluding me at present.

A: Ask Biwwy?

E: Which one? The character, or the actor?

A: There's too many Billy Campbells! I had enough trouble dealing with one!

E: One is the loneliest number.

E: PAINTING!

A: Ooh the missing painting! Wait...OMG did Jonah have it?

E: Figures...

A: Jonah has classy piece of art and he hides it in the closet!

A: OMG

E: OMG

A: I love how "OMG" is all we can muster when Laura Leighton appears on our screen.

E: Can you pause it? I need a cold shower.

A: So is she alive?! Have we been duped all along and Miss Thang is still kicking about?

E: No. Sadly, Amanda's tripping.

A: Whatever pills Amanda's on I gotta have em'!

E: I want a trip if Syd's that hot in them!

A: It's a Bugger that she's still dead... even if she's like, you know, hot dead.

A: Me likey the red on Ella.

E: Me not so much.

A: Amanda finds a Prada button and a piece of blonde hair and assumes it's Ella's? Has Amanda been working with Hooker P.I?

E: Well Sandra O is no longer hookering so she needs money any which way she can!

A: Amanda: "I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine." Pot calling the kettle black yes?

E: Prada Ninja : Now that's got to be the name of the spin-off.

A: New to FOX "The Prada Ninja"

E: this weeks special guest "The Vulture in Versace!"

A: SMACK! Well a good ole' biatch slap is what has been missing!

E: Face it, Ella. Amanda owns your ass.

E: Ooooh. Painting.

A: Ella knows she's got the one Amanda has been looking for.

E: She does. She also has fugly art.

A: Errrm Sydney painted that masterpiece.

E: Sure..while she was on a coke trip!

A: Ella believes her and Syd were like 'sisters'? Maybe drinking buddies more like it.

E: Drinking frenemies, even.

A: Err...wait? Where did the painting originate again? Jonah's apartment or Auggie's?

E: How many times do we have to clarify this? The. Basement.

E: T SHIRT alert. T Shirt alert!

A: About time. I was starting to get worried. So we have: "Your mom goes to college."

E: It made me laugh?

A: I love how your "It made me laugh? ooozes confusion!

E: This scene is kinda Biwwy and Alison, by the way.

A: But less interesting

E: And less plaid

A: and less powder blue bathrobes.

E: And "one bad ad can ruin your whole day."

A: I do miss D&D Advertising.

A: Purple shirt on Jonah! Boooo! Bring back the T-Shirts!

E: More douchey assholes!

A: Oh yeah, By the way, Jonah became a director of his own movie. I totally forgot about that.

E: We forget because we care.

A: He's gonna put all the cast in slogan t-shirts: "tripple threat - writing, directing, douching"

E: or "Waterworld 2."

E: Apropos of nothing... is it just me or does blondie look a bit like a young Tea Leoni?

A: Less hot, but yes.

E: WOW. this alumni mixer is dull.

A: True story but her flight attendant neck scarf is kinda nice, though.

E: Spiffy shooters!

A: Bimbo's back.

E: Calling him "daddy" makes you horrid.

A: And seven years old.

E: "She just got a Malti-poo" might be the WORST line of the season.

A: It could only have been worse if Vile-it had said it.

E: MANDA!

A: In Doctor "Duuuuuude" Drew's pad.

E: More Syd stripping please... err... tripping. yes.

A: Would be awesome. Ahh! We have another Prada Ninja!

E: Prada Ninja really could be the next Llamas with Hats.

A: So Jane gave Amanda keys to all the apartments? Why did you give her the keys, Jane?!

A: And now Ella has Amanda by the balls!

E: I think by the stilettos, actually.

A: "Ella Sims and Associates"? What associates?

E: Jonah's t-shirts

A: She'll be repping Jane? If so Ella Sims and Associates would be a major flop.

E: Oooh. Would you look at that? Ella's a smart cookie.

A: Who knew? Smart in life, dumb in fashion.

A: What's going on?

E: Oh Michael, you naughty Doctor man, you!

A: THIS IS WHY WE LOVE DOC MANCINI!

E: He planted Oxy. It's Nurse Jackie's favourite drug.

A: lmao! Mancini and Nurse Jackie. Now that's a pairing.

E: Somewhere, Darren Star is crying at the thought of it.

A: Lame. Rack and Jonah are being all questioning about their break-up.

E: Wake me up when this scene is over.

A: I wonder if my Farmville crops are ready?

E: Weren't Biwwy and Allison in the same situation at the end of season 1?

A: Wasn't she on a plane to Atlanta?

E: I can't remember, but if we can send Rack to Atlanta, that would be cool by me.

A: Go to Manhattan and bring back Megan.

E: Yeah. Pick her up from Gossip Girl

A: She can bring her outfits too.

E: Yes please. Amanda *wishes* she had her dress sense.

A: Plus, you know Megan totally has five kids named Mick, Mike, Mikey, M. and Prince Michael Jr.

E: *cue moral dilemma music*

A: Will she allow the surgery to go ahead? Come on Hooker P.I do your thang!

A: This is all so Greys Anatomy.

E: I was thinking more 'General Hospital'.

E: Ella's getting hammered

A: With curly hair!

E: She looks classy

A: That dress is totally the one in the early promo posters.

E: It is, isn't it?

E: You have to wonder what kind of world we live in where Ella is rejected by Jonah.

A: Woah! Millah the mood killah.

E: I hope Ella's mascara is waterproof.

A: Well her lipstick is vodka proof.

E: So is mine.

A: And mine.

A: She'll go onto chicks now, yes?

E: Please.

E: Syd flashback!

A: Amanda had the painting and sold it. She's a quick worker.

E: ka-ching! Money Money Money Money....MONEY!

E: OMG

A: HOTNESS

E: Laura Leighton just agreed to come back for this ep so she could show her rockin' body off in a slew of insanely hot dresses, right?

A: And to give you and me one more drool session. Ahhh BOOTS. Sexy boots.

A: oh Syd put a snap on Amanda! "I don't need anyone to share with"

E: "I told myself the same thing. Look where I ended up."

A: Laura Leighton is insanely hot.

E: That should really be our entire season recap. Melrose 2.0, season 1: Laura Leighton is insanely hot. The end.

A: Doctor Duuuude is stealing Jonah's t-shirt.

E: It's the uniform of douchey assholes.

A: Wow. Rack spends 5 years with Jonah, breaks up, and 10mins later hooks up with Duuuuude Doc.

E: Duuuuuude is a sex addict.

A: He had a penis extension? Oh wait. No. Something like a hole in his heart.

E: Ooh twist! He had the surgery! Michael might be killing Duuuuuude Doc!

A: Woah. Plot twist.

E: Well, at least that means his boring ass will be out of here soon.

E: Ella is all 'My skirt is shorter than Amanda's so suck it, bitch."

A: Well, she still has her originial knees

E: And bought herself a Birkin.

A: Oh, Amanda you didn't! Talk about being an Indian giver!

E: Amanda pwns.

A: Ella's 'smart in life skills' have reared again! Blackmailing the blackmailer!

A: OMG. It's like when Alsion took over D&D.

A: oh my god. Ella wins this round, it seems!

E: Amanda's going in the can!

A: THIS MEANS WAR!

E: Allison can come back now.

E: Bastards!! They cut a Sydney scene out!

A: Where's the leopard print dress?!

E: I feel cheated

A: So does Amanda. She wanted to see her leopard print sheets again.

A: This is wrong.

E: They robbed me of leopard-print!Syd

A: not fair!

E: although.... Amanda getting dragged of by the cops was pretty funny...

A: Season 2: Nothing but orange jumpsuits

E: With orange Louboutains!

That all from us. We hope you enjoyed our final recap of season 1. Next week, we'll be posting our best and worst list of season 1, and our 'predictions' for season 2. Hope to see you all again soon.

much love,

A & E

She's Baaaaack!

We here at MP 2.0 love love love our original Melrose residents. The likes of Jo, Amanda, Sydney, Lexi and Kimberly (plus others) were responsible for our love of wigs, blackmail, vodka and mini skirts and have shaped us into the bed-hopping bitches we are today. We love them even more when they stop by in this new version, and after last weeks Melrose-gasm inducing episode of Jo, Jane, Michael and Amanda, it's been revealed that our favorite hooker Sydney (Laura Leighton) is making a surprise return appearance in the season (or series) finale!

Now why is this a surprise appearance? Well as far as fans were concerned, Sydney was well and truly dead and any need for her 'flashbacks' were pretty much over with the big "Who killed Sydney" reveal back in episode 12, and the only references to one of Melrose Place's greats was in passing comment regarding Amanda and a missing painting worth $19million.

CW honchos are keeping mum on the subject so we will have to wait until Tuesday night to find out if Sydney has a heartbeat or is still buried 6 feet under, but this isn't stopping fans, new and old, from coming up with their own crazy conclusions!

Judging by the picture below, we are finally able to answer the question that has been bugging both of us...

"What ever happened to Amanda's sheets?"



The Melrose Place season finale' airs this Tuesday Night on the CW 9/8c

WATCHING EPISODE SIXTEEN....

Previously on Melrose Place...

It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:

A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...

But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.

This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.

A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.

E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!

A: You have got to be kidding me!

E: T-SHIRT!

A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.

E: What does it say?

A: I see an animal in sunglasses....

E: Chinchilla?

A: Oh...

A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.

E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.

A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?

A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!

E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!

E: Holy fuck she's hot!

A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.

E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...

A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.

E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...

A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"

E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.

E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."

A: It was a pretty epic moment!

E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?

A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!

E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!

A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro

E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!

A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!

E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?

A: She's showing off her new knees.

E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!

A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!

E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.

E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...

A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.

E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!

A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!

E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!

A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!

E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?

A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.

E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!

A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!

E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!

E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!

A: For 'American Vogue'?

E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!

A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?

E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga

A: Isn't everything?!

A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!

E: Damn fine and damn hot!

A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!

E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*

A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...

E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.

A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?

E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...

A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?

E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!

A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.

E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.

A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?

E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.

A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?

E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville

A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!

E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!

A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!

E: This scene bores me.

A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb

E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....

E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...

A: Amanda is getting hammered!

E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!

A: For you? Yes.

E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.

A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?

E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!

A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?

E: Jane!

A: In metal?

E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!

A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!

E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.

A: How many of them are still alive?

E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!

A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!

E: Shame she never finished the back of it

A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.

E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.

A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!

E: Beer pong!

A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?

E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.

A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!

E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now

A: That would be awesome!

E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!

A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?

E: Only when Jesse James is around.

A: Burn!

E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!

A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?

E: I love this so much.

A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!

E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!

A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.

E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!

E: Jo!!!!

A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.

E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!

A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!

E: Two in one sitting?!

A: It's just THAT awesome!

A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"

E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?

A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.

E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!

A: Love it!

E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!

A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.

E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."

A: Another line of the season!

E: That's how many this episode?

A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...

E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!

A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!

E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?

A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...

E: Don't even!

A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.

E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.

A: I think so too. Uh oh!

E: Dundundun!

A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!

E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O

A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!

E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."

A: Damn that was some party!

E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!

A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!

E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"

And that's all for this week. Until next time...

much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE FOURTEEN...

Before we begin our recap, we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane. Remember back to Melrose Place season 3 (the original, obviously)? Lauren is in jail, and Sydney has just taken over the reins of her hookering business. She's finally become a 'somebody'...a business manager if you will..running a circle of "high class" whores. She's on top of the world. Well, that's us right now....feeling the love from all the readers who have visited our little 2.0 recap blog and had a chuckle at our distaste for Vile-it and our determination to make a Jonah Miller T-Shirt drinking game (amongst other things!) So as we move into the new recap, we would like to say thank you too our loyal readers, and if this is your first time here grab a coffee (or alcoholic beverage of choice), sit down and as we said all along "We're really gonna love it here!"

And with that analogy above, we find it quite befitting that the following recap is brought to you by Lauren's Escort Service: "Lauren Does Los Angeles".

E: "Previously on Melrose Place.... Jonah wore hideous t-shirts, Ashlee Simpson got fired, Sandra O got it off with spawn-of-Mancini, and Amanda Woodward hooked up with Billy Campbell and his hideous beard."

A: Aww crap did you start without me?

E: No. I'm just psychic. I mean what else is going to be on the 'previously on Melrose Place' segment? Biwwy travels to Seattle to kill Keith?

A: That would make this a bit more interesting.

E: Let's go!

A: Look it! No recap! LOL!

E: Wha?! No 'previously on'?

A: At least everyone is getting hammered!

E: Oooh love me some hammered Ella!

A: And she looks hot doing it. I wonder if the wardrobe department will keep Ella off the 'go fug yourself' website this episode?

E: I doubt it. Jonah is wearing a plaid shirt.

A: ::barf:: He's channeling Biwwy for us.

A: Paging Sandra O, Sandra O to the ER Stat!

E: Michael! So we have hammered hot looking Ella and Michael. Good Start.

A: The plaid shirt was only a small dint in the can, ey?

A: Btw, what color are Sandra O's scrubs today? Are we calling it Lilac?

E: I wish they would have bunnies on them like Zoey's on 'Nurse Jackie'

A: That would be ace!

E: Don't eff with Doc Mancini. Sandra O should know better than to second guess a medical genius like him.

A: Boy he is mad.

E: Where is Kimberly when you need her?

A: Shopping for wigs.

A: Apparently Jonahs 'Biwwy' shirt doubles as a hangover top.

E: Forget the shirt-- Jonah's on the cover of Hollywood Reporter. WHY?!!!

A: Geez, when you screw with Ella, she really returns the favor! I guess Perez will be calling him next.

E: Jonah's hair... thoughts?

A: Well he's channeling a Jonas brother...but which one? Wait...Jonah is channeling a Jonas brother..he's Jonah Jonas!

E: They are all as bad as each other.

A: Oooh do my eyes see some new eye candy?

E: Hmm a new dude. Are your Auggie lovin' eyes ok with that?

A: Well it's not my eyes that are reacting at the moment!

E: [censored]

A: Amanda's interviewing Rack. Some more DIVA magazine modeling?

E: As long as Jo is the photographer then I'm on board!

A: As long as it's not for Anton V!

E: Anton Why.

A: Stop! Rack has mini-gladiator sandals on. No no no! You ain't Rihanna girl!

E: Meanwhile, Amanda's top escaped from Dynasty

A: Yeah Joan Collins is on the phone to her at this very minute.

E: Somebody stole from Amanda? But not Sydney?

A: OMFG it was Peter! Peter stole from Amanda!

E: No wonder he's hiding out in the basement! He stole $15 mill from Amanda. I wonder if he has the $19 million painting that Sydney stole from her...

E: That looks like fun!

A: A movie meeting at the go karts? DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

E: WTF Ella's leggings?

A: I choose not to see the disaster on her legs.

E: 'Cruella Sims'. Quality name right there.

E: B-E-N

A: B-I-L-L-Y

E: Billy wants to get in Rack's pants, right?

A: I'm thinking he's aiming a little north from the pants area.

E: Did he just say he's off to a Polo match? Bill plays polo?

A: No a jockey gets on his beard and rides around while holding a big stick.

E: Omg. Now they're playing crazy golf.

A: This meeting is totally bitchin'

E: A bit like Jonah's second.plaid.shirt. in ONE episode

A: We are being punnished, but I don't know what we did wrong. Plus Ella's top is Speed Racer inspired.

E: She's had a few too many red bulls to shake that hangover of hers and lost control of her ability to select clothes.

A: I wouldn't be blaming the red bull.

E: Meanwhile back at Whilshire Memorial...

A: The eye candy is a doctor? Since when were pretty people allowed to play smart?

E: "People find it hard believe you're brilliant if you're beautiful." The wisdom of Jack & Bobby right there. RIP amazingshowshichwascancelledbytheWBafteroneseason (yeah I'm still bitter)

E: Amanda's on Web MD

A: eBay, more like it. She's got to to make a few bucks selling off her TJ Hooker memorabilia.

E: With a little bit of Spin City set and a few pool tiles thrown in for good measure.

A: I'd take a pool tile! The one Brooke hit her head on! I'll get Kristin Davis to sign it!

E: Remember when they auctioned off pool water back in the day?

A: Hmmmm...hammered Mikey. Everyone is getting hammered. Are they prepping for the return of Alison Parker?

E: This would be way better if he was getting drunk with Syd while they await the return of Alison Parker!

A: Mind you, everything is better with Syd.

A: Mikey blames himself for Syd's death.

E: "I have destroyed every marriage..."

A: All 7 of them. How special will number 8 feel?

A: Davey's gonna tell Michael that he impregnated Vanessa!

E: Your son Noah is actually your grandson....dundundun

A: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

E: Does this really call for some dad/son fighting?

A: Well Michael did just find out his son banged his wife before she was his wife and got her knocked up but she didn't tell anyone until after she died, but she did it in a note to David because she knew she was going to die....wow, that's a lot even for Jerry Springer!

E: So the way to solve this problem is to throw each other though a window.

A: Well it worked for Peter and Michael back in season 5!

E: Now, I'm just wondering where Kim is to kidnap the baby.

A: Still shopping for wigs...she's onto the Raquel Welch collection now.

E: Now this is what I'm talking about!

A: Amanda and Michael in the SAME scene!?!

E: This will be the only good scene in the episode.

A: Is Amanda REALLY seeking medical advice from Michael? Come on! The last time she did that she had cancer and slept with him!

E: "It's my heart"..."You actually have one?"

A: Michael should just give her some Xanax and be done with it!

E: We are so MD-ing it up with Doc Mancini!

A: We just totally skipped through a few scenes.

E: Yeah, but now we have KIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A: Kimber is bangin' and wants Sandra O for some more hookering!

E: Indeed! Perhaps she could star in that HBO show I was suggesting with Amanda as the porn maven?

A: Either way, Kimber is for sure a Melrose resident... She's just had her first blackmail!

E: And a good one too. 'Quit whore-ing and I'll tell everyone at your day job.'

E: Can we have office sex for these two now?

A: Yeah shes gotta get that shirt off him and throw it out. Ella's bad makeup makes her look as old as Bindi Irwin.

E: She can probably tame crocodiles just as well, too

A: Well she's not averse to wearing crocodiles. Ah here's the office sex....

E: Or just some tender kissing. Boooooo!

E: Billy's here which means Amanda can't be far behind!

A: Are my eyes betraying me or does Amanda looks almost human?

E: Yeah Amanda looks HOT in that dress. Quite clearly not a Jane Mancini original

A: Ella would never be caught dead wearing something so tasteful!

E: Sandra O's dress is vile!

A: Whats with the flower on her tits? At least when Sarah Jessica Parker did it, she had it in a respectable place!

E: Like on her head.

A: Ah one last job for 'Hooker P.I'.

E: Please be Michael...

A: FUCK! FUCK!

E: OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A: Woah! Talk about having your cover blown! I love how Mikey hired a whore!

E: This is classic Melrose!

DUNDUNDUN. Fade to black (or blackout with Alison Parker).

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E