Melrose Place 2.0

WATCHING EPISODE EIGHTEEN...

2010-04-14T06:53:00.001-07:00

First off, we'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode, but we did this for very good reasons. Normally we choose doing the recap over a massive drinking binge, but when we find ourselves with two separate episodes featuring new Doctor "Duuuuuuuuuude" Drew and his cover band doing rock versions of "Who let the dogs out" (who? who?!) and "Mary had a Little Lamb", it turned out that we preferred liquor over actually watching the thing. Once again, our apologies. Allison, does, however, send her regards.

So peeps... Here it is: the season one finale of Melrose Place 2.0! Bitching, bed-hopping, blackmail, T-shirts, bad fashion, vodka, bad acting, spiffy!Shooters, and hookers have all played a major part in this 'new' season and given us plenty to snark about. We met newbies we immediately pegged as 1.0 residents and squeed when some familiar old faces returned. Sydney was still a smokin' hot bitch (with a new found fondness of white powder and $20 notes). Doc Mancini was still a man-whore, intent on being all powerful. Amanda showed off her new face, knees, blonder hair-do and updated powersuits. Jane was still trying to convince everyone she IS a designer and became somewhat more conniving and bitchy than we remember and Jo... Well, Jo turned out to be the main object of E's affections, much to everyone's surprise.

We've laughed, judged, drunk, cried (in pain), harvested our farmville crops, drunk and judged some more this season and, for the most part, loved every minute of it!

Now it's time to put the vodka down and get to business.

"This recap is brought to you by 'Amanda's Micro-Minis' : Bringing slutty style to the over 40's since 2010'"

A: Wow. Jonah and Ella have really sweaty sex!
E: I wonder if they have Tina Turners "Steamy Windows" playing
A: Certainly would go with the sweaty theme.

E: I'm sure there's a pun hidden in the line, "Big bad Amanda can huff and puff all she likes," but it's eluding me at present.

A: Ask Biwwy?

E: Which one? The character, or the actor?
A: There's too many Billy Campbells! I had enough trouble dealing with one!
E: One is the loneliest number.

E: PAINTING!

A: Ooh the missing painting! Wait...OMG did Jonah have it?

E: Figures...

A: Jonah has classy piece of art and he hides it in the closet!

A: OMG

E: OMG

A: I love how "OMG" is all we can muster when Laura Leighton appears on our screen.

E: Can you pause it? I need a cold shower.

A: So is she alive?! Have we been duped all along and Miss Thang is still kicking about?

E: No. Sadly, Amanda's tripping.

A: Whatever pills Amanda's on I gotta have em'!

E: I want a trip if Syd's that hot in them!

A: It's a Bugger that she's still dead... even if she's like, you know, hot dead.

A: Me likey the red on Ella.

E: Me not so much.
A: Amanda finds a Prada button and a piece of blonde hair and assumes it's Ella's? Has Amanda been working with Hooker P.I?
E: Well Sandra O is no longer hookering so she needs money any which way she can!

A: Amanda: "I could tell by the split end it wasn't mine." Pot calling the kettle black yes?

E: Prada Ninja : Now that's got to be the name of the spin-off.

A: New to FOX "The Prada Ninja"
E: this weeks special guest "The Vulture in Versace!"
A: SMACK! Well a good ole' biatch slap is what has been missing!

E: Face it, Ella. Amanda owns your ass.

E: Ooooh. Painting.

A: Ella knows she's got the one Amanda has been looking for.

E: She does. She also has fugly art.
A: Errrm Sydney painted that masterpiece.
E: Sure..while she was on a coke trip!

A: Ella believes her and Syd were like 'sisters'? Maybe drinking buddies more like it.

E: Drinking frenemies, even.

A: Err...wait? Where did the painting originate again? Jonah's apartment or Auggie's?

E: How many times do we have to clarify this? The. Basement.

E: T SHIRT alert. T Shirt alert!

A: About time. I was starting to get worried. So we have: "Your mom goes to college."

E: It made me laugh?

A: I love how your "It made me laugh? ooozes confusion!

E: This scene is kinda Biwwy and Alison, by the way.

A: But less interesting

E: And less plaid

A: and less powder blue bathrobes.

E: And "one bad ad can ruin your whole day."
A: I do miss D&D Advertising.

A: Purple shirt on Jonah! Boooo! Bring back the T-Shirts!

E: More douchey assholes!

A: Oh yeah, By the way, Jonah became a director of his own movie. I totally forgot about that.

E: We forget because we care.

A: He's gonna put all the cast in slogan t-shirts: "tripple threat - writing, directing, douching"

E: or "Waterworld 2."

E: Apropos of nothing... is it just me or does blondie look a bit like a young Tea Leoni?

A: Less hot, but yes.

E: WOW. this alumni mixer is dull.

A: True story but her flight attendant neck scarf is kinda nice, though.

E: Spiffy shooters!

A: Bimbo's back.

E: Calling him "daddy" makes you horrid.

A: And seven years old.

E: "She just got a Malti-poo" might be the WORST line of the season.

A: It could only have been worse if Vile-it had said it.

E: MANDA!

A: In Doctor "Duuuuuude" Drew's pad.

E: More Syd stripping please... err... tripping. yes.
A: Would be awesome. Ahh! We have another Prada Ninja!

E: Prada Ninja really could be the next Llamas with Hats.

A: So Jane gave Amanda keys to all the apartments? Why did you give her the keys, Jane?!

A: And now Ella has Amanda by the balls!

E: I think by the stilettos, actually.

A: "Ella Sims and Associates"? What associates?

E: Jonah's t-shirts

A: She'll be repping Jane? If so Ella Sims and Associates would be a major flop.

E: Oooh. Would you look at that? Ella's a smart cookie.

A: Who knew? Smart in life, dumb in fashion.

A: What's going on?

E: Oh Michael, you naughty Doctor man, you!

A: THIS IS WHY WE LOVE DOC MANCINI!

E: He planted Oxy. It's Nurse Jackie's favourite drug.

A: lmao! Mancini and Nurse Jackie. Now that's a pairing.

E: Somewhere, Darren Star is crying at the thought of it.

A: Lame. Rack and Jonah are being all questioning about their break-up.

E: Wake me up when this scene is over.

A: I wonder if my Farmville crops are ready?

E: Weren't Biwwy and Allison in the same situation at the end of season 1?

A: Wasn't she on a plane to Atlanta?

E: I can't remember, but if we can send Rack to Atlanta, that would be cool by me.

A: Go to Manhattan and bring back Megan.

E: Yeah. Pick her up from Gossip Girl

A: She can bring her outfits too.

E: Yes please. Amanda *wishes* she had her dress sense.

A: Plus, you know Megan totally has five kids named Mick, Mike, Mikey, M. and Prince Michael Jr.

E: *cue moral dilemma music*

A: Will she allow the surgery to go ahead? Come on Hooker P.I do your thang!

A: This is all so Greys Anatomy.

E: I was thinking more 'General Hospital'.

E: Ella's getting hammered

A: With curly hair!

E: She looks classy

A: That dress is totally the one in the early promo posters.

E: It is, isn't it?
E: You have to wonder what kind of world we live in where Ella is rejected by Jonah.

A: Woah! Millah the mood killah.

E: I hope Ella's mascara is waterproof.

A: Well her lipstick is vodka proof.

E: So is mine.
A: And mine.

A: She'll go onto chicks now, yes?

E: Please.

E: Syd flashback!

A: Amanda had the painting and sold it. She's a quick worker.

E: ka-ching! Money Money Money Money....MONEY!

E: OMG

A: HOTNESS

E: Laura Leighton just agreed to come back for this ep so she could show her rockin' body off in a slew of insanely hot dresses, right?

A: And to give you and me one more drool session. Ahhh BOOTS. Sexy boots.

A: oh Syd put a snap on Amanda! "I don't need anyone to share with"

E: "I told myself the same thing. Look where I ended up."

A: Laura Leighton is insanely hot.

E: That should really be our entire season recap. Melrose 2.0, season 1: Laura Leighton is insanely hot. The end.

A: Doctor Duuuude is stealing Jonah's t-shirt.

E: It's the uniform of douchey assholes.

A: Wow. Rack spends 5 years with Jonah, breaks up, and 10mins later hooks up with Duuuuude Doc.

E: Duuuuuude is a sex addict.

A: He had a penis extension? Oh wait. No. Something like a hole in his heart.
E: Ooh twist! He had the surgery! Michael might be killing Duuuuuude Doc!

A: Woah. Plot twist.

E: Well, at least that means his boring ass will be out of here soon.

E: Ella is all 'My skirt is shorter than Amanda's so suck it, bitch."

A: Well, she still has her originial knees

E: And bought herself a Birkin.

A: Oh, Amanda you didn't! Talk about being an Indian giver!

E: Amanda pwns.
A: Ella's 'smart in life skills' have reared again! Blackmailing the blackmailer!

A: OMG. It's like when Alsion took over D&D.

A: oh my god. Ella wins this round, it seems!

E: Amanda's going in the can!

A: THIS MEANS WAR!

E: Allison can come back now.

E: Bastards!! They cut a Sydney scene out!

A: Where's the leopard print dress?!

E: I feel cheated
A: So does Amanda. She wanted to see her leopard print sheets again.

A: This is wrong.

E: They robbed me of leopard-print!Syd

A: not fair!

E: although.... Amanda getting dragged of by the cops was pretty funny...

A: Season 2: Nothing but orange jumpsuits

E: With orange Louboutains!

That all from us. We hope you enjoyed our final recap of season 1. Next week, we'll be posting our best and worst list of season 1, and our 'predictions' for season 2. Hope to see you all again soon.

much love,

A & E

She's Baaaaack!

2010-04-03T19:25:00.001-07:00

We here at MP 2.0 love love love our original Melrose residents. The likes of Jo, Amanda, Sydney, Lexi and Kimberly (plus others) were responsible for our love of wigs, blackmail, vodka and mini skirts and have shaped us into the bed-hopping bitches we are today. We love them even more when they stop by in this new version, and after last weeks Melrose-gasm inducing episode of Jo, Jane, Michael and Amanda, it's been revealed that our favorite hooker Sydney (Laura Leighton) is making a surprise return appearance in the season (or series) finale!

Now why is this a surprise appearance? Well as far as fans were concerned, Sydney was well and truly dead and any need for her 'flashbacks' were pretty much over with the big "Who killed Sydney" reveal back in episode 12, and the only references to one of Melrose Place's greats was in passing comment regarding Amanda and a missing painting worth $19million.

CW honchos are keeping mum on the subject so we will have to wait until Tuesday night to find out if Sydney has a heartbeat or is still buried 6 feet under, but this isn't stopping fans, new and old, from coming up with their own crazy conclusions!

Judging by the picture below, we are finally able to answer the question that has been bugging both of us...

"What ever happened to Amanda's sheets?"

The Melrose Place season finale' airs this Tuesday Night on the CW 9/8c

WATCHING EPISODE SIXTEEN....

2010-03-31T05:29:00.000-07:00

Previously on Melrose Place...

It was E's birthday, and she decided she'd rather get drunk and watch this instead of last week's Melrose episode:

A, on the other hand, was busy tending his farm...

But we're super excited to be back for this week's episode, featuring Riley's rack, Jonah's T-shirts (or flannel shirts) and half of the original cast.

This recap is brought to you by Jo's dykey boots: kicking asses and taking raunchy photos since 1992.

A: I'm here! I'm here! I've totally done a Kimberly and overdosed on pain killers but i've left a note just in case I pass out.

E: I'll *nudge* you then when it gets to all the good stuff! Like Jo and all her hotness!

A: You have got to be kidding me!

E: T-SHIRT!

A: Well about blasted time. All this plaid flannel on Jonah had me thinking he was aiming to be some butchy bull dyke cruising the home depot for other rough lesbians.

E: What does it say?

A: I see an animal in sunglasses....

E: Chinchilla?

A: Oh...

A: Screw the t-shirt for the moment....Check out the mess on Ella's...legs and feet. Girls is back in the hooker boots with frills.

E: Well at least she decided to pair them with something just as hideous...that puke lime green dress.

A: Surely this is in honor of the return of our hapless fashion-wannabe Jane Andrews?

A: Wow they are kicking in the old school stuff before the 'credits' roll!

E: JAAAAAANNNNEEEE!

E: Holy fuck she's hot!

A: Yeah really lovin' the longer hair on her.

E: After all this time, we finally discover why Amanda's "good friend" Jane allowed her to move into Syd's apartment. Just when most viewers stopped caring...

A: It was a long winded mystery just like what's in the basement but not as interesting.

E: Jane is trying to play with the big girls...

A: She's all like "Fire Ella or you're out on your ass, bitch!"

E: Jane really does hold a grudge when someone makes a wise decision NOT to wear one of her designs.

E: I think we just got the line of the series and it was from Amanda... "Not everyone can afford to play dress-up with mannequins."

A: It was a pretty epic moment!

E: Ella's earrings are making me ask "WTF"?

A: That is some seriously fake looking bling!

E: It's like she is wearing disco balls on her ears!

A: All she's missing is the Dianna Ross afro

E: Dear God, it looks like she stole them off Elton John!

A:That queen would be having one hell of a bitch fit right about now!

E: Amanda's skirt is how short now?

A: She's showing off her new knees.

E: See, what Jane knew is that Amanda actually is a mannequin!

A: Yet this mannequin still knows how to avoid a Jane Andrews one-off!

E: The shortness gives me flutters! Total 90's flash-back, except without the powder blue color.

E: Meanwhile at Wilshire Memorial...

A: Doc Mancini is being all suspect.

E: No. Mikey wants some nookie!

A: No way! Dude is cashing in his chips and wants his sweets now!

E: He wants a bit of Sandra O!

A: Well she was a bad whore and didn't go through with the original booking!

E: Hmm this is not the Mikey I know and love...he's ditching sex for surgery?

A: And telling her to meet him at the 'Waverly Hotel'?! Come on Mikey, we know you wanna bang her over your desk.

E: But but but but Mikey wants to get Jane back in the sack!

A: Oh honey! We ALL want that!

E: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Aww look it's your Melrose wife!

E: Jo is shooting Lady Gaga clones!

A: For 'American Vogue'?

E: No for 'W' - she's classy like that!

A: I thought 'W' Magazine was a mag dedicated to showing 50 page spreads of Madonna?

E: They had a ten page spread of Jodie Foster once... but these days it's all about the Gaga

A: Isn't everything?!

A: Like I said last time she was on- Jo is looking damn fine!

E: Damn fine and damn hot!

A: Great bling, great hair, great clothing... she's working it!

E: Jo still hasn't given me her Hasselblad. *woe!*

A: She's waiting for that 'special' moment...

E: Dude, we still have people at spiffy!Shooters. I thought that set died with Vile-it.

A: At least one character has to work in the food and entertainment industry! BTW, who is this horny bitch? I mean, I know where she came from and all that bla bla....but seriously...Horny much?

E: She looks disturbingly like my BFF. It's actually worrying me...

A: Your BFF doesn't happen to wear bright orange a lot does she?

E: Thankfully no. That color doesn't even look good on a pumpkin!

A: This show is drowning in assholes this week.

E: It's as if they had to make up for Jo and Jane's awesomeness.

A: Did I fail to notice whats happening at The Place?

E: Yeah Jonah has decided to throw a party for his T-shirt.

A: To make up for the party he had for his hat last night?

E: Ella discovered Vodka makes lots of things better. Next stop: Allison-ville

A: With a quick stop off at Jake-ville!

E: Oh and we have Doc Mancini calling... he has a date in nookie-ville!

A: He's totally boning up for some Sandra O right now!

E: This scene bores me.

A: It's the duuuuuude! He's pretty but dumb...wait...scratch that...he's pretty dumb

E: Not even the lights are interesting and the rack is hiding....

E: Meanwhile at Jonah's rave party...

A: Amanda is getting hammered!

E: Asking for triple shots in your drinks is going to do that! Wait-- please tell me Jo gets drunk!

A: For you? Yes.

E: Now I need a tripple vodka tonic.

A: Is Jonah wearing lipstick?

E: Too many Vodka raspberries...you know if there was ever such a thing!

A: Amanda totally spiked that shit yes?

E: Jane!

A: In metal?

E: No...and Michael! Michael wants to hit that!

A: For sure! Love how he says "Maybe I should have re-thought our second divorce!" Total Melrose-gasm right now!

E: 2nd Divorce? I wonder how his other 5 ex-wives are feeling right now.

A: How many of them are still alive?

E: Eh. Either way, I'm totally hearting this scene!

A: So um, I told my Nana about this chick I know called Ella. I told her how Ella seems determined to wear the clothing of a misguided fashion designer named Jane Andrews and how sad it made me, so my Nana got to work and knitted Ella this awesome kick ass top!

E: Shame she never finished the back of it

A: I think Jane got her paws on my Nana's design.

E: Actually, I was cataloging doilies like that at work the other day... they belonged to Victorian school teachers.

A: Ahh now I know how my Nana got the doilies!

E: Beer pong!

A: Seriously?! A beer pong sequence?

E: It must be advertising as now I'd quite fancy a Corona right now.

A: Me too...but I don't want to have to work for it by playing beer pong!

E: I so wish Michael and Jane were playing beer pong right now

A: That would be awesome!

E: Dear God can the bimbos just leave? We have interesting people on the show this week!

A: This is really quite depressing. I mean are girls really this horny in real life?

E: Only when Jesse James is around.

A: Burn!

E: Jane and Michael are getting hammered!

A: Did we miss them playing beer pong?

E: I love this so much.

A: I feel like i'm 15 again and looking at my wall that's covered with Melrose posters!

E: OH MY GOD! I love this scene soooo much!

A: See, they never did this back in the day. If someone was getting hammered, it was usually all on their lonesome.

E: Or as a group watching Sydney take her clothes off!

E: Jo!!!!

A: I love how Jo always has !!!! after her name.

E: It's to emphsize how awesomely hot she is!

A: Jo, Michael AND Jane?! This is my Melrose-gasm!

E: Two in one sitting?!

A: It's just THAT awesome!

A: And Amanda pops in and is all "Let's do it again in ten years, shall we?"

E: And then proceeds to assume that Jo is there looking for hot boys in skinny jeans?! Amanda, doesn't Jo preffer hot girls in skinny jeans?

A: Oooh! Jo is blackmailing Amanda.

E: Jo wants Amanda to give to charity! Fuck yeah! Blackmailing for charity. I fucking love Jo!

A: Love it!

E: Also, dude. Michael and Jane getting drunk. How awesome!

A: This clearly shows that Jane and Jo need to be back on a more permanent basis.

E: Especially when they has Jane lines like..."After all we've been through, I will never be that desperate."

A: Another line of the season!

E: That's how many this episode?

A: So Jonah and Dr. McChuckles are fighting...

E: JUMP IN THE POOOL!!!!!!!

A: HAHAHAAHAHAHA! JUMP...JUMP IN THE POOL!

E: What? Jane didnt get to refference her and Syd's catfight in the pool?

A: Perhaps if Jonah was wearing a wedding dress...

E: Don't even!

A: I think Mikey has a taste for younger girls since he banged Vile-it.

E: You dog!! (I love you!) Jane is such a wise lady for turning him down.

A: I think so too. Uh oh!

E: Dundundun!

A: Sandra O is being all vocal... She's gonna tell!

E: Syd owned this hookering shit. Move over Sandra O

A: And bring back the original Melrose hooker!

E: Michael is all "Wait a minute... I've been through this BS before."

A: Damn that was some party!

E: I bet they're wishing they still had a pool boy right now!

A: I'm wishing they had a hot pool boy right now!

E: By the look of the court yard, all I can say is "Boy, Alison would be proud!"

And that's all for this week. Until next time...

much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE FOURTEEN...

2010-03-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

Before we begin our recap, we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane. Remember back to Melrose Place season 3 (the original, obviously)? Lauren is in jail, and Sydney has just taken over the reins of her hookering business. She's finally become a 'somebody'...a business manager if you will..running a circle of "high class" whores. She's on top of the world. Well, that's us right now....feeling the love from all the readers who have visited our little 2.0 recap blog and had a chuckle at our distaste for Vile-it and our determination to make a Jonah Miller T-Shirt drinking game (amongst other things!) So as we move into the new recap, we would like to say thank you too our loyal readers, and if this is your first time here grab a coffee (or alcoholic beverage of choice), sit down and as we said all along "We're really gonna love it here!"

And with that analogy above, we find it quite befitting that the following recap is brought to you by Lauren's Escort Service: "Lauren Does Los Angeles".

E: "Previously on Melrose Place.... Jonah wore hideous t-shirts, Ashlee Simpson got fired, Sandra O got it off with spawn-of-Mancini, and Amanda Woodward hooked up with Billy Campbell and his hideous beard."

A: Aww crap did you start without me?

E: No. I'm just psychic. I mean what else is going to be on the 'previously on Melrose Place' segment? Biwwy travels to Seattle to kill Keith?

A: That would make this a bit more interesting.

E: Let's go!

A: Look it! No recap! LOL!

E: Wha?! No 'previously on'?

A: At least everyone is getting hammered!

E: Oooh love me some hammered Ella!

A: And she looks hot doing it. I wonder if the wardrobe department will keep Ella off the 'go fug yourself' website this episode?

E: I doubt it. Jonah is wearing a plaid shirt.

A: ::barf:: He's channeling Biwwy for us.

A: Paging Sandra O, Sandra O to the ER Stat!

E: Michael! So we have hammered hot looking Ella and Michael. Good Start.

A: The plaid shirt was only a small dint in the can, ey?

A: Btw, what color are Sandra O's scrubs today? Are we calling it Lilac?

E: I wish they would have bunnies on them like Zoey's on 'Nurse Jackie'

A: That would be ace!

E: Don't eff with Doc Mancini. Sandra O should know better than to second guess a medical genius like him.

A: Boy he is mad.

E: Where is Kimberly when you need her?

A: Shopping for wigs.

A: Apparently Jonahs 'Biwwy' shirt doubles as a hangover top.

E: Forget the shirt-- Jonah's on the cover of Hollywood Reporter. WHY?!!!

A: Geez, when you screw with Ella, she really returns the favor! I guess Perez will be calling him next.

E: Jonah's hair... thoughts?

A: Well he's channeling a Jonas brother...but which one? Wait...Jonah is channeling a Jonas brother..he's Jonah Jonas!

E: They are all as bad as each other.

A: Oooh do my eyes see some new eye candy?

E: Hmm a new dude. Are your Auggie lovin' eyes ok with that?

A: Well it's not my eyes that are reacting at the moment!

E: [censored]

A: Amanda's interviewing Rack. Some more DIVA magazine modeling?

E: As long as Jo is the photographer then I'm on board!

A: As long as it's not for Anton V!

E: Anton Why.

A: Stop! Rack has mini-gladiator sandals on. No no no! You ain't Rihanna girl!

E: Meanwhile, Amanda's top escaped from Dynasty

A: Yeah Joan Collins is on the phone to her at this very minute.

E: Somebody stole from Amanda? But not Sydney?

A: OMFG it was Peter! Peter stole from Amanda!

E: No wonder he's hiding out in the basement! He stole $15 mill from Amanda. I wonder if he has the $19 million painting that Sydney stole from her...

E: That looks like fun!

A: A movie meeting at the go karts? DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

E: WTF Ella's leggings?

A: I choose not to see the disaster on her legs.

E: 'Cruella Sims'. Quality name right there.

E: B-E-N

A: B-I-L-L-Y

E: Billy wants to get in Rack's pants, right?

A: I'm thinking he's aiming a little north from the pants area.

E: Did he just say he's off to a Polo match? Bill plays polo?

A: No a jockey gets on his beard and rides around while holding a big stick.

E: Omg. Now they're playing crazy golf.

A: This meeting is totally bitchin'

E: A bit like Jonah's second.plaid.shirt. in ONE episode

A: We are being punnished, but I don't know what we did wrong. Plus Ella's top is Speed Racer inspired.

E: She's had a few too many red bulls to shake that hangover of hers and lost control of her ability to select clothes.

A: I wouldn't be blaming the red bull.

E: Meanwhile back at Whilshire Memorial...

A: The eye candy is a doctor? Since when were pretty people allowed to play smart?

E: "People find it hard believe you're brilliant if you're beautiful." The wisdom of Jack & Bobby right there. RIP amazingshowshichwascancelledbytheWBafteroneseason (yeah I'm still bitter)

E: Amanda's on Web MD

A: eBay, more like it. She's got to to make a few bucks selling off her TJ Hooker memorabilia.

E: With a little bit of Spin City set and a few pool tiles thrown in for good measure.

A: I'd take a pool tile! The one Brooke hit her head on! I'll get Kristin Davis to sign it!

E: Remember when they auctioned off pool water back in the day?

A: Hmmmm...hammered Mikey. Everyone is getting hammered. Are they prepping for the return of Alison Parker?

E: This would be way better if he was getting drunk with Syd while they await the return of Alison Parker!

A: Mind you, everything is better with Syd.

A: Mikey blames himself for Syd's death.

E: "I have destroyed every marriage..."

A: All 7 of them. How special will number 8 feel?

A: Davey's gonna tell Michael that he impregnated Vanessa!

E: Your son Noah is actually your grandson....dundundun

A: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

E: Does this really call for some dad/son fighting?

A: Well Michael did just find out his son banged his wife before she was his wife and got her knocked up but she didn't tell anyone until after she died, but she did it in a note to David because she knew she was going to die....wow, that's a lot even for Jerry Springer!

E: So the way to solve this problem is to throw each other though a window.

A: Well it worked for Peter and Michael back in season 5!

E: Now, I'm just wondering where Kim is to kidnap the baby.

A: Still shopping for wigs...she's onto the Raquel Welch collection now.

E: Now this is what I'm talking about!

A: Amanda and Michael in the SAME scene!?!

E: This will be the only good scene in the episode.

A: Is Amanda REALLY seeking medical advice from Michael? Come on! The last time she did that she had cancer and slept with him!

E: "It's my heart"..."You actually have one?"

A: Michael should just give her some Xanax and be done with it!

E: We are so MD-ing it up with Doc Mancini!

A: We just totally skipped through a few scenes.

E: Yeah, but now we have KIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A: Kimber is bangin' and wants Sandra O for some more hookering!

E: Indeed! Perhaps she could star in that HBO show I was suggesting with Amanda as the porn maven?

A: Either way, Kimber is for sure a Melrose resident... She's just had her first blackmail!

E: And a good one too. 'Quit whore-ing and I'll tell everyone at your day job.'

E: Can we have office sex for these two now?

A: Yeah shes gotta get that shirt off him and throw it out. Ella's bad makeup makes her look as old as Bindi Irwin.

E: She can probably tame crocodiles just as well, too

A: Well she's not averse to wearing crocodiles. Ah here's the office sex....

E: Or just some tender kissing. Boooooo!

E: Billy's here which means Amanda can't be far behind!

A: Are my eyes betraying me or does Amanda looks almost human?

E: Yeah Amanda looks HOT in that dress. Quite clearly not a Jane Mancini original

A: Ella would never be caught dead wearing something so tasteful!

E: Sandra O's dress is vile!

A: Whats with the flower on her tits? At least when Sarah Jessica Parker did it, she had it in a respectable place!

E: Like on her head.

A: Ah one last job for 'Hooker P.I'.

E: Please be Michael...

A: FUCK! FUCK!

E: OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

A: Woah! Talk about having your cover blown! I love how Mikey hired a whore!

E: This is classic Melrose!

DUNDUNDUN. Fade to black (or blackout with Alison Parker).

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE THIRTEEN...

2010-03-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

My oh my! This poor blog is probably feeling like Vile-it did before she arrived at Melrose Place: abandoned and forgotten about. Like Vile-it's mother Sydney, we had better things to do in the mean-time, like Vodka and coke (a-cola!). But all good things and hiatuses must come to an end, so here we are, back and refreshed from our stint at Camp "No More Victims" (thanks for the recomendation Kimberly) and ready to bitch about episode 13!

"This recap is brought to you by leopard-print sheets and Gillette."

A: What do we have here?

E: Vile-it and Auggie went on the mother of all benders.

A: In Syd's dreams!

E: Well no one could knock 'em back quite like her.

E: Oh look. It's Jonah and Ella recovering from their hook-up shag.

A: He's like a kid on Christmas Day. All excited about what presents the morning will bring!

E: This was so much better when Biwwy and Amanda hooked up the very first time.

A: Now I know why this was missing some leopard print sheets!

E: Rack is calling Jonah.

A: She's trying to keep tabs on her man.

E: She really did need to thumb him down some more.

A: She needed to work that rack more!

E: That's a lot of phone calls.

A: Girl is persistent. Did she not see "He's Just Not That Into You?"

E: No one did.

A: Geez take a hint Rack! Jonah is using his big penis on Ella.

E: He must have a really great voice mail message.

A: "Umm Hi, you've reached Jonah. Please press '1' if you are looking for talent, '2' if you are looking for personality or '3' if you are looking for t-shirts."

E: "When I walk into the roo-hooo-hoooom and suddenly my heart goes boo-hooo-hooom.... There must be a Riley.... hanging on the line!"

A: Holly beard batman! Where did Amanda find this one? On the set of Deliverance?

E: Okay stop. We NEED to dwell on the fact that this actor playing McBeardy is actually called Billy Campbell!

A: Oh how he must be thanking his parents right now for giving him a name that landed him a job.

E: Seriously.... Billy Campbell is on Melrose Place playing Amanda's 'lover'.

A: They're doing this for shits and giggles, aren't they?

A: Ah! McBeardy has some killer taste! Shoes = Hawtness!

E: Fugly shoes!

A: Wha?! Seriously?

E: They are so dire!

A: Omg. Our first difference of opinion! And it's over shoes!

E: This calls for a drink!

A: Sandra O is looking all Latina-esque

E: She's also full of shit with all this lying. Spill it, Sandy! Liar liar tits on fire!

A: I wonder how this hospital stay will sit with Kimber? She's down a girl now.

E: Eh...this scene is now boring me. I'm hitting Farmville. Let me know when it gets good.

A: Let me know if you find a golden egg!

A: Ella has sex hair.

E: She looks totally hot in this scene. I'd hit it.

A: Let me side step that and ask about Amanda's outfit... It's like a tuxedo cape? Did she borrow it from Celine Dion?

E: I'm thinking more along the lines of Siegfried and Roy.

A: Minus the lion. Although... Amanda could probably take its place.

A: Jonah and Rack are being all serious again.

E: "You're asking me to commit to a future with someone when I'm not even wearing a shitty slogan t-shirt!"

A: Seriously, Rack. Know when it's right to ask someone that! The fact that Jonah is not in a slogan T is offensive.

E: We are offended in general.

A: Ok, um, it's been a few minutes and we have said nothing about Ella's front tied toga dress.

E: Actually, i'm trying to block it from my mind.

A: I can't. Once again, I am offended.

A: Aww.. Jonah says he gets so distracted when Rack is around that he can't even write. His scripts go from "The Hurt Locker" to "Battlefield Earth" in five minutes.

E: Now that's some talent!

E: Ella is playing party planner.

A: She looks good doing it. She's very hit and miss this episode.

E: She's wearing some pretty great bling!

A: The top is hot too!...wait...crap it's a dress.

E: And a mighty short one at that.

A: Well at least she's not like Amanda who seems to be going all super hero with the top part of that dress.

A: So bad dress aside...what is Amanda celebrating? Her new face?

E: Dying her roots.

A: Ok, I totally lol'ed into my vodka!

E: Where's Michael?

A: Crying over Sydney.

E: Umm...the woman in the background that just walked past...Porn star much?

A: There's an extra who 'paid' her way into the scene!

A: I know there's no t-shirt involved..but Jonahs jacket! It's totally yeck!

E: I was about to say...it actually makes me nauseous. I'm getting motion sickness from it.

A: Someone has been hitting the fabric store. Note the word fabric and not material.

E: Yeah that shit needs to be on a couch in Queens covered in plastic.

A: Or just buried.

E: I think hammered Auggie has so much potential.

A: Kinda like my thoughts on Vile-it if, you know, someone else was playing her.

A: "You can't blame your problems on where you live". Geez tell that to Brooke or Jane or Sydney.

E: Jo, Kim

A: Lexi, Sam, Kyle..

E: It's a never ending list. Actually that line was just pure shit.

E: Is Amanda's Beard hitting on Ella?

A: Oh totally busted!

E: Ella's dress is bangin'

A: She's looking for more open heart surgery.

E: "In what universe do you think I would be threatened by you?"

A: Ouch! "No one wears a dress that short without an end game"

E: Amanda has been watching Gossip Girl.

E: Ok, here we go! Jonah is going to tell Rack he banged Ella!

A: Finally someone who tells the truth! No tits on fire here! I wonder how Rack will take it though...

E: "I was kind of drunk and I tripped and fell into Ella."

A: "over and over and over again."

E: Ella is drunk

A: And horny. Her dress really wants that end game.

E: With Jonah? Ok, the dress is not so bangin'.

A: Shot down!

E: Guess Ella is going to be spending tonight with her vibrator.

A: Unlike Sandra O.

E: Davey and Sandra O are getting in oooooon!

A: Jonah wants in.

E: 3-way?

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: It'll cost him one fugly jacket.

A: Omg! Has it finally arrived?! Vile-it is leaving?!

E: *Throws confetti*

A: Can she leave that photo of Syd?

E: Send it to us please. c/o- A&E, The Basement, 4616 Melrose Place, Los Angeles. Thanks!

A: We will be sure to take proper care of it.

A: Ack! Auggie is gone too! Dammit, this really means that Jonah is my new eye candy. I feel like hurting my eyes before the next ep.

E: Even on a bike in-front of a green screen Ashlee's acting skills are abominable.

A: She's sitting there going "I went to Melrose Place and all I got was this lousy helmet."

E: I suppose Jonah got the t-shirt already.

Next on Melrose Place... Actually, it's not next week but in a few weeks THIS HAPPENS. THIS! Holy crap, we're more excited about this than pretty much anything.

E: I can see it already - "I would like to dedicate this recap to my lover Jo Reynolds."

A: "I would like to dedicate this recap to whatever alcoholic beverages Jane and Michael are drinking"

And that's all from us. Until next week...

much love,

A&E

"Talk is cheap Amanda. Then again, so are you."

2010-03-04T04:50:00.000-08:00

Ummm... Where were we? Seriously, has it been three months since the last episode of Melrose Place? We've been neglecting this poor little blog because, well, what the heck were we supposed to write without decent spoilers, or Heather Locklear showing up in the see-through dress at some awards show?

Thankfully, the wait is almost over. Yesterday, the CW released the trailer for Oriole, featuring words meaning 'awesome' and 'slutty'. Also, Amanda kissing a man with a really scary beard. Check it out for yourselves:

So, what will the second half of season one bring us... Will Jonah direct a remake of "Road House"? Will Sarah Palin play Michael's 8th wife? Will Amanda tell the young residents about the basement? And, most importantly, will Jo come out of the closet and accept E's proposal of marriage? All this and more as from Tuesday, March 9th on the CW, and on Wednesday here at A&E's Melrose Place 2.0 Recap-a-palooza. Bring your own bottle.

WATCHING THE EPISODES- The Retro Edition

2010-01-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

While we've been feeling the love a little more for the more recent eps of Melrose 2.0 the fact remains that nothing will ever hold a candle to the original. The proof?-- we refuse to rewatch 2.0 episodes, but were positively giddy at having an excuse to watch a classic favourite, "Devil With a G-String On", in which Amanda wears short skirts, Jake gets involved in a bar fight, Sydney gets cosy with a stripper pole, and Marcia Cross' forehead moves. With a special guest appearance from Biwwy's plaid shirts in every. fucking. scene. Also, epic drunken acting from Andrew Shue that makes Vin Diesel look like Jack Nicholson. The city is Los Angeles. The place is your couch. The pool boy still has a job. Fasten your seat-belts... because Michael is not averse to drink-driving.

"The following classic recap is brought to you by Alison's raging hangover and Smirnoff Vodka"

E: Oooh grainy opening credits!

A: Ahh I remember the days when Melrose Place HAD opening credits!

E: The good ole' days of yore! I love how Michael looks stoned in all his snippets.

A: He's still getting over the effects of the lameness that was season one.

E: "In alphabetical order" ... except for permanent guest star Heather Locklear.

A: Well of course. That was part of the Melrose appeal.

A: So I guess we're starting with fashion, right? 'Cause Matt's brown suit is a serious no no!

E: And Alison is in mum jeans? Ick!

A: I can't believe the term 'hipster jeans' wasn't even a word then.

E: Praise be low-rise NY dark-wash Sevens! Random observation, Daphne Zuniga is much hotter these days.

A: I think it's her actually growing into her face, but yes...much hotter now!

E: Mind you, I just spent the past hour watching 'Cougar Town' wanting to shag Courteney Cox Arquette, so it seems I'm onto a theme here.

A: Wanting to shag older women who look better in their 40's than their 20's?

E: *hangs head in shame* While I'm at confessions, I'll add Laura Leighton onto that list too, though she looks good at any age.

A:High-Five!

A: So Melrose has a habit of recycling bit part actors and bringing them back seasons later for major roles (i.e - Kyle and Coop), just noticed that bit part doctor comes back seasons later as one of GayMatt's boyfriends!

E: Just so long as they don't ever. ever. ever. recycle Ashlee, I'm cool with it.

E: Before 'Ally McBeal' there was Amanda Woodward, raising hemlines one episode at a time.

A: Well someone had to be a pioneer of the short-skirt/long-jacket look!

E: OK. let's draw some parallels here.
1) Biwwy's bad shirts - Jonah's Douchey T's

2) Alison's early 20's angst - Rack's early 20's Rack angst

A: But Alison's angst has authenticity. She's not relying on her rack, for a start.

E: KIMBERLY!

A: Ahhh. The original psycho bitch!

E: Kimberly AND Michael!

A: One of the best 'A' Teams going! :)

E: 'A' is for asshole.

E: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have black roots!

A: Amanda just isn't Amanda without those black roots. Also, I want Chas' hair.

E: His hair or the gel he uses to get the style?

A: I think I need both. If you don't have that cut, the gel ain't going to produce that work of art on his head.

E: I think a lawnmower would give a better haircut. Mind you, Jack Wagner perfected this 'highrise duck-tail' look when he joined the show, so maybe it's just foreshadowing.

A: True. No one did that hair better than Peter.

A: SYDNEY! There's my girl!

E: Stripper!Syd

A: Geez she looks young there!

E: And hot. Come on Syd, loose the top!

A: "What's your stage name?" "Jane...just Jane"

E: Busty La Roux!

A: Much more creative!

E: Hey, you coined it.

A: Syd owned it.

A: Holy side boob Batman!

E: It's like Sydney watched 'Flashdance' and decided she could out-do Jennifer Beals.

A: Sydney stripping on a chair and then being covered by water falling from the roof?

E: DROOL.

E: Meanwhile at Mancini Designs (and I stress the Mancini bit)

A: Jane is designing (and I stress the designing bit)

E: Oh look, Marcia's forehead moves! How I miss that.

A: The 90's...when botox was still in its chemical warfare stages and actresses in their 40's drank babies' blood to stay looking young.

E: *nostalgia* It's easy to forget how crazy Kimmy actually got.

A: She really does get the angry psycho act going!

A: Why is she rubbing her temples? Too much psycho building up?

E: Don't fuck with Kimberly...she will get a headache.

E: Amanda's power suit jacket is longer than her skirt. I think it's a keeper.

A: So you're ignoring the fact that Amanda's shoes are BEIGE?!

E: My eyes chose not to see that horrid mess down there. They're being selective today.

A: Wanna talk mess? Let's talk Alison's mum hair cut.

E: FAIL.

E: Alison is all goody-two-shoes.

A: Shoe does it well.

E: Secretly she just wants to give Chas a crew cut.

A: But his big hair matches his big jaw. Man that thing could cut through steel!

A: Models Inc. cross-over!

E: Win!

A: I wonder what Cassidy Rae is doing these days?

E: Models Inc. so needs a revamp.

A: They did... well, sort of. It was called "The Beautiful Life" on the CW. Lasted one whole episode before being axed.

E: Really?!

A: Two words - Mischa Barton.

E: hahahaha!

A: And Elle McPherson.

E: Well at least it's not Nicole Ritchie, right?

E: I miss all the spying through the blinds...and Alison's wall decor.

A: Those Venetian Blinds were good for spying!

E: They were! I think at some stage or another, each and every tenant peeked through those blinds at what was going on out in the courtyard.

A: I wonder if Billy and Alison have the same Princess Peach shower curtain as Jonah and Rack?

E: Sadly they don't have a bathroom. Portable bathrooms weren't invented until 2.0.

A: So they just use the pool? So that's why there is a pool boy!

A: Woah, Alison's all bra-esque.

E: Quality! Everyone gets their kit off in this episode!

A: So basically Alison is getting Biwwy all horned up, then sending him out to the strippers for his bachelor party?

E: Alison has always been the cunning one.

A: More Models Inc. Cross-over.

E: That bitch is on the Cosmo cover?! My arse she is!

A: Hillary is Janice Dickinson though Linda Evans hadn't really touched the scalpels' knife as much as Janice.

E: Icon of the Spelling soap. On the upside, it looks like Hillary passed on her love of bad plastic surgery to her daughter Amanda.

A: True that...though Amanda didn't get the taste for it until she came back from New York.

E: I see Amanda's mom has the same taste in short skirts.

A: Actually that one is Amanda's.

E: While Amanda's cardigan is a Jane Mancini original.

A: I think Amanda's dress sense went a little south when her mom showed up.

E: Is Amanda banging her mum's toyboy already?

A: Yeah, Alison caught them doing it on the office floor.

E: Classy.

A: I love how GayMatt can't kiss a bloke, but he can be forced to watch women take their clothes off at a strip club.

E: I like Michel's toast to Billy. "Billy is about to go where no man has gone before...except me...twice, and soon to be three times."

A: Michael has no idea he'll be notching up number 7 in no time.

E: Stripping Syd! I am far more excited about this than I should be.

A: I wonder if this is where Doug Savant fell for Laura Leighton?

E: Now there's a story to tell the kids...

E: Biwwy is shit-faced!

A: Alison's PJ's are sexy! How do the boys resist?

E: Aren't they Biwwy's?

A: Sadly I think they are hers.

E: The pants are ok. I just have issues with everything being so matchy matchy. Beige shoes, beige skirt, beige shirt, beige jacket. Everything is the one color!

A: T'was the time!

E: The ball has dropped.

A: Yup, Alison is letting all the beans spill now. Go on Alison, tell Jake that Amanda banged Chas. That's what he wants to hear right after being at the strip joint.

E: Verbal diarrhea is Alison's specialty.

A: Amanda is on the warpath!

E: Amanda and her roots are back in town!

A: OMG. Amanda is going for it!

E: Amanda literally has Alison against the wall. Love it!

A: Melrose 2.0 writers should really take note. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!

E: I'm sure Amanda's jaw just un-hinged and she was about to swallow Alison whole.

A: Now that'd be a sight!

A: Hey Syd's playing dress-up!

E: Classy Syd!

A: And it's the original Wendy/Kimber!

E: Who funnily enough is named Lauren!

A: Woah Syd has some awesome drink throwing skills there!

E: And then she gets kicked out!

A: "I don't deal in tramps. Who does she think she is? Cinder-freaking-ella?" Love this line from Sydney!

E: Word!

***

A: I can't believe how quickly that episode went!

E: I know, and as much as we love 1.0, I love how we can still be somewhat ruthless towards it.

A: I think that's why we love it!

E: 2.0 makes you appreciate everything.

A: Except for mum jeans.

And thus concludes our first retro recap. We'd like to wish all our readers a happy, healthy, and not too sordid 2010, and we look forward to bringing you plenty more recaps and snarky post. Something tells us there's going to be a lot to bitch about, including a kick-ass reunion episode with Jo, Jane, and Amanda's freaky face. Stay tuned!

Much Love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE TWELVE...

2009-12-15T23:06:00.001-08:00

We know, we know. We're terribly late to the party. We have had such a crazy week that it was by pure luck that we were both able to catch each other to watch and discuss this last episode of Melrose Place for 2009. How whack is that? Melrose Place in 2009?! Who would ever have thought that we would be doing this?

While 2.0 really struggled to find its feet in its early episodes, it's safe to say that these last few episodes have really started to pick up the raunch and the pace and bring to us the Melrose Place that we knew and loved. Yes, Jonah is a douche and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is just horrid as Vile-it while Laura Leighton showed the youngsters how its really done and Heather Locklear returned with a brand new face. Needless to say, it's given us 'old school Melrose fans' lots to bitch about! So here it comes...the vodka is chilled and Alison is passed out on the kitchen floor.

Our last 2.0 recap for 2009!

A: Oooh we get a shirtless Jonah for two weeks in a row! Grrrrrrr! Are the producers priming him to be the new Auggie?

E: No, Auggie is still shirtless - for now!

A: I could totally see Jonah and Rack getting married in a rec center and Rack wearing an "off-the-rack dress".

E: Enough! We're on t-shirt duty now. What's he wearing this week?

A: I see a camera...

E: There's some text underneath

A: Man it's too small...they are really making it hard for us now!

E: Jonah wants to go to Vegas. He thinks he's Bradley Cooper

A: Minus the cool factor

E: And the shades and wrecked denim.

E: Ella's frock is classy!

A: It's channeling Sydney in Melrose 1.0 season 5

A: Hmm, the dress is a yes, the makeup is a big no! Seems the ick is moving upwards.

E: Flashback!

A: Seriously, Laura Leighton has not aged a day since 1.0. Freaking stunning.

E: Laura really wants to say "Look what the Santa Anna's blew in.... Why did you fuck up your face?"

A: We could play a game of who aged better...something tells me Laura Leighton would win everytime.

A: Ahh so Syd stole a $19million painting from Amanda. Oh...yawn.

E: Sydney: "Aren't you the one who slept with my boyfriend?" What is this? Highschool?

A: High School Musical 40 starring Heather Locklear!

E: When did Sydney find God anyways?

A: Right after she found herself in a jail cell with Bertha.

E: Jonah is looking at "Love me Tender". This is a gay porn website, yes?

A: Well now I'm concerned about Jonah's research for his wedding...the website looks totally shonky..."The King's Wedding Chapel"

E: He's wanting a theme wedding perhaps?

A: Douchey meets rack?

E: Ella has Ungaro though.

A: Yeah but she's waving it around! You don't 'wave' around Ungaro...you use it to clean up your vomit from a big night out.

E: Possibly a Lindsay Lohan creation then.

E: Ooh Doc Mancini is in the can again.

A: We need Syd around for more of this

A: Wow the mouse is out of the house a little early...Vanessa killed Syd?

E: I win! The boring Mrs. Mancini killed Sydney.

A: Bugger. I'm still going with the cult theory...you know, in my head.

A: So in episode one, Syd's "I've done something terrible" phone call to Daveyboy was about her calling Vanessa?

E: It makes no sense.

A: Yeah. To Syd that wouldn't be terrible. She'd be more like "Suck it bitch...I'm doing your hubby too."

E: Hooker boots on Ella! Hooker boots on Ella!

A: NO NO NO NO NO ELLA! You were there with the dress...now you have gone and ruined it!

E: Yeah, completely ruins the outfit.

A: What, did she steal Sandra O's street walking boots?

A: See now the boots are affecting Ella's judgment. She just called Jonah "The new Spike Jonze"

E: Omg, Jonah has never done a pitch before!

A: He's a virgin!

E: Touched for the very first time!

A: Was he like this the first time he did rack?

E: Ella: "Jonah's it's genius!" No Ella...it's shit.

A: Woah someone is trippin'

E: Sandra O is having a bad reaction to the drugs...Like that wasn't predictable.

A: That finger twitch is just creepy.

E: I'm assuming I should probably be biting my fingernails with worry right now, but instead I'm just bored shitless.

A: I wonder if she's about the get the munchies?

E: Noah wants to "JUMP IN THE...JUMP IN THE POOL!"

A: Dammit, now it's stuck in my head!

A: So Vile-it thinks she's Van Goh yes?

E: Noah is going to improve the drawing for her.

A: Love Daveyboy's tact...can you look after Noah? Vanessa killed your mum..Noah be good..all in one breath.

E: He gets that from his father. The tact of a B-52 Bomber I mean, not the killing his mum.

E: Flashback part 2!

A: Sydney..drinking...all class.

E: I still, for the life of me, cannot locate her top!

A: Still?! We need Hooker P.I to solve this for us!

A: Love this ultra-bitchy side to Syd. Love the nod to the whore comment..

E: Syd is way too hot.

A: Btw - we are totally re-capping this scene afterwards.

E: We so are!

E: Woah! Nice stunt move over the table top!

A: AAARGGGH fuck!

E: NOOOO!!! Syd. Don't be dead.

A: Go the manolos face-smack!

E: Her heels do make a good weapon

A: Omg..I'm crying...that has to be the most full-on death in Melrose history

E: Fo' realz

A: Jonah and Rack finally called it quits...

E: Surprise surprise.

A: I wonder who claims ownership of the princess peach shower curtain?

E: Wasn't that Jane's?

A: Gawd...shes gonna turn it into a dress isn't she?

A: The boring Mrs. Mancini and Vile-it, together in a scene again...what did we do wrong?

E: I really wanted Vanessa to say: "Hey. I know you. You're that REALLY SHIT actress."

A: Vile-it knows the truth

E: You killed my mommy!

A: Flashback part three! Same night..same outfit....

E: Yeah!

A: Aww Syd finally owns up to banging that professor in college and that yes, Vile-it is the result of said banging!

E: Pool fight!

A: I guess someone finally went and "JUMP IN THE....JUMP IN THE POOL!"

E: This was so much better when it was Syd and Jane and the wedding dress.

A: Less bloody and less violent!

E: And more awesome!

A: So Vanessa is toast. We lost one great character and one so so character.

E: Guess that means Doc Mancini can fuck whomever he wants now!

A: Like marriage stopped him before!

E: Augie's shirtless.

A: Auggies man boobs are on display. Man that's some heveage.

E: RACK!

A: Manrack

E: And rack rack. Quality dress that.

A: Look at her side rack! There's a lot of rack in this scene is yawn...but the racks are good!

E: Augie's being an asshole.. and I love it! Did Vile-it just see him macking on Rack?

A: Hey you rhymed! Tho you really wouldn't wanna be caught kissing Vile-its man by Vile-it just after she killed her mothers killer!

E: That's quite a sentence you just wrote there.

A: Ella's dreams just came true! Her man is single!

E: Oh... Ella... How I wish Jonah had been run over by a freight train.

A: All the single ladies...all the single ladies...Hide cause Jonah is now on the market!

E: Ella's hooker boots are here to help

A: Do you reckon Rack's appearance in Diva had something to do with break-up?

E: Surely not... But if Rack gets together with Jo, then I could totally work with that!

A: It'd be more interesting than Jonah eye fucking Ella...ok so not so much eye fucking anymore.

E: Jonah's not wasting any time.

A: There's like revelation music playing...very Dawsons Creek.

E: Ella has a bangin' bod!

A: Yeah this is oddly hot.

E: The end.

A: Ok. REWIND to the demise of Sydney Patricia Andrews-Mancini-Field... Because we know what's really important.

E: I love how Syd calls Vanessa "sweetheart." Drunk Syd is soooo classy

A: Totally. Ooh Syd played the "Noah isn't Doc Mancini's spawn" card!

E: Syd knows that Vanessa must have been a slut too.

A: Man this fight is full on! That stabbing scene always gets me.

E: Noooo!!! But that falling off the table thing is ace!

E: Ooowwww!

A: Heels as a weapon! Love it.

E: Wait. her chain came off.... shouldn't Syd be topless?

A: Apparently it was a necklace and not a chain.

E: It wasn't though... the chain was wrapped through the top.

E: Oh I love her soooo much.

A: Where did the knife come from? it's just there on the floor? Did Syd drop it when she was cutting limes for her Gin?

E: I'm still stuck on the chain/necklace. If I had my way, Syd would be face down, drunk as a skunk and topless in the pool.

A: Doc Mancini would not want it any other way!

Well that's it for us now until after Christmas. We both wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas season and stay tuned as we me have some Christmas themes goodies to post and quite possibly, a Melrose Place 1.0 recap! Watch this space!

Much love,

A&E

Calling All Facebookers!

2009-12-10T04:00:00.001-08:00

Wanna show us some love? Then join our Facebook Group and then spread the love!

We'll be back ASAP with an all new recap on the killer of an episode that aired on Tuesday night. Believe you and me, there is heaps to talk about!

Atoning For Our Sins

2009-12-05T01:05:00.000-08:00

It's a preview like this that gets our Melrose love juices flowing! Melrose Place has been on a roll the last few weeks, getting better and better with each new episode and this one we can't wait for! Sydney and Amanda flashback, Sandra O doing some hookering, Jonah and Rack getting married, Michael and Amanda at Sydney's murder scene and Jonah porking Ella and if we are right in believing, Sydney's murderer is revealed! Plus, once again, we get to see how much better Laura Leighton has aged compared to Heather Locklear!

WATCHING EPISODE ELEVEN...

2009-12-02T05:10:00.000-08:00

Its a miracle! We are on time this week and that includes a week where we spent countless hours working on a Mrs. Appleby's Country Baked Goods advertising campaign, attended a black tie event for Wilshire Memorial Hospital and even managed to get our roots dyed black in honor of Amanda as well!

And on that note, it's time to bitch...

E: Aw Davey took Sandra O to that concert!

A: Hey we were close last week when we said Macy Gray tickets...just turned out to be something even lamer...Kings of Leon.

E: They have a few decent songs!

A: 'Few' being the operative word there.

E: Would have been awesome if it were Lady Gaga. "Roma roma-ma, Melrose Oooh la la... want your bad romance."

A: Eeeek! A close up view of our fave shower curtain! Oh, but it's changed.

E: Guess 'pastel pink' was out and 'rainbow pride' was in.

E: Jonah's wearing a tie without a shirt... Is he encouraging sobriety in the Melrose t-shirt drinking game?

A: Wow...so manly..hairy..grrrr.

E: So.....dull.

A: Yeah I should stop. It's Jonah for crying out loud. He's douchey not sexy!

E: The words 'Jonah' and 'sexy' should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.

E: Apparently Doc Mancini waited 5 days to get it on with wife number 7.

A: Oh as if he waited 5 days!

E: I wonder if he's into 'sexting'. BTW, I stand by the theory that she's Syd's killer.

A: Well she's definatley a scene killer.

E: He wants sex in his car?

A: Hmm...nope...she's one of those "The bedroom or nowhere" type of gals.

E: Oooh he's gonna find Syd's missing necklace!

A: Wait! OMG, he knew about the necklace...Vile-it didn't plant it when she banged him in there!

E: WIN!!!!!

A: Wow, total twist!

E: So maybe Doc Mancini did kill Sydney? Please say it isn't so!

E: Oh for fuck's sake...more Jonah?

A: Damn...he's wearing a shirt. Sobriety is ours.

A: Ella's pissed that Davey sent her pop-up nudie girls on her desktop? I see her point.

E: Ella: "Since when are naked women a bad thing?"

A: Hope she doesn't ask me!

E: Wait..who got the special guest-star status this week?

A: Dunno...was totally mesmerized by Ella's high beams.

E: What? Jonah is WPK's new I.T guy? It's sooo Melrose 1.0... you know without Biwwy shagging that Cougar journalist chick.

A: Wow, Doc Mancini owns the bat-mobile! That thing was super fast!

E: Mike's Merc totally kicked Davey's Porche's ass.

A: Mike names his car 'Kit'.

E: Wait a minute-- Did Mike just call him Davey?!

A: I'm guessing Doc Mancini reads our blog.

E: Shout-out!!!

E: Dear God...Amanda's shoes...

A: They got strapped to her legs to keep her upright.

E: Syd had been speaking to Amanda? Since when are they gal-pals?

A: Michael: "So did you re-unite at a support group for women who faked their deaths?" - Love it!

A: So Sydney got hold of an item belonging to Amanda?

E: Yeah and Amanda found Jane in her wardrobe.

A: Dear God, the monster is free! Protect your wardrobes!

E: Amanda : "As usual, Jane is useless"

A: I love Amanda.

E: In spite of her scary face.

A: Uh oh, random new guy. I think this was the original casting for Jonah...kind of like the original Biwwy casting for 1.0.

E: Oooh I like that! Though he is the same calibur actor as Ashlee. Imagine how dire it would have been if he had actually been cast...

A: We'd never get through a scene.

E: I'm not getting through this scene. I wish there was Vodka in my OJ.

A: I wish my OJ was Vodka....

A: Jeeezus that's alot of I.T type things...all in one room.

E: Jonah's going to find Amanda's secret files right?

A: Oooh he could!

E: And then she'd totally have sexy-time with him cause he's like young Biwwy.

A: Oooh she would!

A: BTW, I'm not revolted by Ella's outfit here.

E: Are those zippers on her earrings?

A: Yeah she's got the same nasty ass zipper head scar as Kimmy.

A: Vile-it has wide angry eyes

E: And rather good lipstick.

A: Eww she was doing her brother? Wait...oh adopted..ok..eww wait..

E: Ewww.

A: Ok he's total cult. I'm convinced now.

E: Totally..this guy is freaky shit.

E: Amanda's at the pool!!!!!!

A: I love how Amanda uses words like "old Friend" when talking about 1.0

E: And "good times"

A: Amanda and Sydney re-connected? They were never connected to begin with!

E: Except through a fist and handbag fight.

E: Amanda: "As an upstanding citizen" ? When has Amanda ever been upstanding?

A: Since she put those shoes on!

A: Jonah is playing hardball with Ella.

E: It's implying he has balls...

A: Hahahaha! Nice...ellasims@backstabbinglyers.com

E: I think we need to register that dot com.

A: For sure!

E: Wow shit is hitting the fan this week!

A: Yeah it's everywhere!

E: I wonder why it took 11 episodes...

E: Awww Michael said "My boy" in reference to Davey. That makes me feel gooey.

A: Any maternal instinct I might have had just died.

E: Oooh Syd's necklace was a family heirloom.

A: Yeah it came with Syd and Jane's grandmothers wedding dress.

E: Now that was a classy ensemble.

A: To die for....one that Jane didn't design!

A: Doc Mancini is snooping.

E: He still hasn't found the basement.

A: Good, that's OUR secret hideout!

E: He got the necklace back. He can give it to Jane to wear with her next wedding dress.

A: Why has he got the necklace? -- OOOOOH SET UP! FUCK!

E: Busted!

A: Sandra O and Davey totally set him up!

E: Sandra O is smart!

A: Hooker P.I is back. Mondays on FOX.

E: To think that we almost went a whole episode without a t-shirt moment...

A: Oh thank God... Actully...gawd.

E: It's hideous! The colors. The text. The clashing flannel shirt. The everything.

A: See now they are just totally flaunting this T-Shirt thing!

E: They are.

A: We have so much influence!

E: If he shows up in a bad directors or hands-off-the-rack T, I swear I'm gonna spazz.

A: Amanda is moving back to the place!

E: Thought: Did Jane really give Amanda permission to stay in the Penthouse?

A: I'm guessing Jane was too flustered with the new fall line to really worry.

E: She needs this thing that Syd has...i'm guessing it's the leopard print bed sheets.

***

A: Ok I feel like this is the Melrose we knew and loved.

E: Yeah, but I was so un-prepared for it that I found it really hard to be snarky this week.

A: So much so that we hardly touched the fashion and we went easy on Vile-it.

E: I was caught off guard with the the dun.dun.dun and more than one plot twist. It's so unaccustomed.

A: Awesome stuff!

E: Ashlee was diabolical as ever...

A: Doesn't count AFTER the episode has ended......ok it does.

And that's all for this week.

E has her grad-school graduation to attend next week and A will be tied down with a book full of clients, so the recap will be a little late. Don't say we haven't warned you of our tardiness, and hopefully Amanda will let us keep our jobs just this once.

much love,

A & E.

You wanna ask us what?!

2009-11-29T02:22:00.000-08:00

Ok guys, Melrose was a repeat on Tuesday night, which we were very happy to hear. Amanda has been on the warpath since her return, and both of us have been doing our best to get out of her way, even so much as to borrow some of Kimberly's wigs to disguise ourselves! So because there's no recap this week, we thought we'd answer a few questions about our thoughts on Melrose Place 2.0.

Q:It's no secret that you are not big fans of Jonah and Vile-it, but that aside, which character could you really do without?

E: For me it's Auggie. I know 'A' thinks he's sex on legs, but aside from the fact that he's easy on the eyes, he's dull. So he works at spiffyShooters and had a bit of a drinking problem... Big deal. There's nothing to set him apart from the others except for the fact that he shagged Sydney. I'm really glad that they're writing him out of the show, because aside from possibly splitting up Jonah and Riley, he's been a colossal waste of space.

A: Definitely Daveyboy. The resident 'bad boy goes good for pretty young girl' is more that a bit of a yawn and feels very Jake-and-Alison or Jake-and-Sydney or Jake-and-Jo....you get the drift. He might have played better having been Jake's son (as was originally planned) but his presence leaves Doc Mancini without balls and I need my Doc Mancini with big balls. Plus he's as dumb as a box of hair. Sandra O runs into him on a boat full of hookers and she catches him out stealing, only for Ella to twig that Sandra O is in fact a hooker and was on said boat full of hookers with Daveyboy....I mean come on!

Q: After originally turning down the offer to come back, Heather Locklear finally stretched her face tight enough to feel comfortable appearing on television again. Do you think her come-back worth the hype?

A: Hell yeah! In all honesty, the episode was the best to date and that's saying a lot because Sydney wasn't even in it! There was no hesitation in Amanda's return...click click click of the heels and BAM! Out comes a torrent on one-liners that even made Alison's "You bleach blonde piece of dirt" speech seem tame! Amanda was and is 'Melrose Place' hell. One of the promotional posters from 1.0 was nothing but a close-up of Amanda's face with the words "Mondays are a Bitch" printed right in the middle. Should we have waited this long for her to return? Perhaps not. A lot of press focused in on Heather saving Melrose 1.0 and with her return at a pivotal time in 2.0's life-span took focus away from the return of Amanda and put it on Heather being able to save the show. Anyway, having Amanda back allows us to count how many episodes it takes before the black roots start to show!

E: Ugh. What are you talking about, A? Sure, Amanda's a fun watch, but it kind of belittles all the other actors and actresses who were on the original. Heather always got more credit than she was due. From her 'Special Guest Star' status for a ridiculous seven whole seasons, right through to the people who credited her with saving the original show, when people hear 'Melrose Place', they think Heather Locklear.

The original Melrose, however, was always a mediocre show with an exceptionally talented, yet hopelessly undervalued cast. It's hardly a coincidence that so many of its cast-members have worked solidly since appearing on the show, while other cult-TV actors have come and gone. If the new show's writers would just give the original cast members some decent scripts, then this would be must-see TV. I'd pay good money to see Laura Leighton have a quality on-screen meltdown and Daphne Zuniga go off the rails. They're incredible actresses. I mean, have the producers not seen Daphne Zuniga's Nip/Tuck episode? That was nothing short of phenomenal. And, on that note, with all the horrendous plastic surgery and Botox, it's not like Heather can really act anymore. It's mostly a delivery of her lines, and that might just as well be delivered on radio. The other actors, however, are in their mid-forties, look stunning, and could act the socks off of most well written scripts that would land on their laps. Why don't the powers that be realise this?

Q: Jane, Jo, Sydney, Michael and Amanda have all found their way back to the mother-ship that is Melrose Place. Which 1.0 character do you feel needs to come back home?

E: Two words: Alison Parker. Since the demise of Ally McBeal, Courtney Thorne-Smith has been stuck in shitty sitcom hell. It's time she got down with her bad-ass side again. Plus, her novel was remarkably readable. I'd almost be inclined to bring her on as a staff writer as well...

A: I was going to say Coop, you know, before I remembered he was a dead-horse character that was boring then and would be boring now, so I am gunning for Alison who should then bring Jake tagging along. Alison could replace the soon-to-be-AWOL Auggie as the drunk and disorderly resident, and her return could also include some kick-ass flashbacks with alcoholic Sydney, the two of them tearing up the town on a mother of a bender! Ahh I can see it now...hitting Vegas, crashing a Whitehouse party, being photographed getting out of a limo with no underwear on and partying it up with Paris and Britney....it'd be nothing but class with those two!

E: MILFs by day; drunken middle-aged party sluts by night. This show could kick Cougar Town's arse.

Q: The 'guess which T-shirt Jonah has on' game you play could almost be turned into an official drinking game. If you could dress Jonah in any t-shirt you wanted for one episode, what would it look like?

Q: The season opened with a shocking scene: Sydney Andrews face down in the apartment pool (I was hoping she spilled her Manhattan in there and didn't want to waste it) dead as dead can be. It was crushing to say the least. Who do you think did it?

A: I think we are all being blindly led into believing that it was Auggie or Daveyboy or one of the many young cubs that Sydney bedded, and I even read a post by another blogger who believes that the current and boring Mrs. Mancini might have done it (quite plausible) but I have my money on Vile-it. Why? Because it would be awesome if in fact, Vile-it was connected to the cult that kidnapped Sydney back in Melrose 1.0. When Sydney escaped, cult follower Rikki made it clear that they would be "Back to get her" and after discovering that Sydney was in fact, alive and well, the cult brain-wash a poor numb-nut Vile-it into believing Sydney is her mother and she was to be 'punished' for abandoning her. Hey this storyline would get Traci Lords back onto our screens!

E: I'd never even thought about the cult connection. That's genius!

I'm inclined to go with the theory that it's Michael's fembot wife, though. It's a fairly well thought out theory, and would certainly explain why the actress has agreed to appear on the show in what so far has been a thankless role. However, that would also imply that I have some faith in the writers of this show-- I honestly don't. Not really, anyway. They may originally have planned for Michael's wife to be the killer, but what with Ashlee proving herself to be such a shit-tastic actress, Sydney's killer has got to be Vile-it. And somehow, that makes everything twice as bad, because not only are we losing Sydney's awesome hotness, and Laura Leighton's under-rated genius, but we're losing her because of the worst acting to hit our screens since Paris Hilton decided to attempt a film career.

Q: Jane Andrews comes to town to claim ownership of the apartment complex. During her walk-about through Sydney's apartment, we discovered that Sydney owned a grand piano. You have talked about the possibility of Syd doing a 'Fabulous Baker Boys' impression, but in Melrose reality, Syd actually loved playing...

A: Oh Lady Gaga at the AMA's for sure! We all know crazy breeds crazy and it's quite evident that Syd and Gaga have enough crazy to fill an entire..well...crazy hospital! There would be no way Syd would be all Vanessa Carlton on that thing doing lovey dovey smooshey ballads. She'd be all coked up, slamming away on that thing making as much of a scene as possible though I presume Sydney would dress a bit more fashionable for such a performance..well, I guess it depends how coked up she is and if sister Jane can whip her up an outfit to wear!

E: We're obsessed with Lady Gaga and Jane's awful fashion designs here! My problem is that as soon as I combine Laura Leighton and a piano in a scene, I just think of her in Angels, Baby! and what a waste it is that we haven't seen her in a musical lately. So I'm going to say that Sydney likes herself some Stephen Sondheim: "I've run the gamut, A to Z, three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie. I got through all of last year, and I'm here..." Not because Sydney necessarily does, but I'd like to see her pull it off.

Q: Sydney found dead in the opening scene, the disappearance of new land lord Jane Andrews, Ella's choice in fashion designers, Jonah...all things that can be classed as disappointing. For you, the most disappointing thing this season is..

A: First and foremost, it's the complete and utter straightening of Caleb. While it took some time for bi-sexless Ella to get it on with that Sophie Ellis Bextor wannabe, Caleb is reduced to eye flirting with Anton V (gag) and talking about football. Hell even GayMatt from 1.0 managed to have a few sleep-overs with some menfolk! That aside, my true and utter disappointment so far is Vile-it. Well not so much Vile-it, but Ashlee Simpson as Vile-it. As 1.0 fans, we were treated to some awesome crazy thanks to the likes of Kimberly, Sydney and even Eve in season 7. The big question we wanted answered was who was going to be the new psycho in 2.0 and lo-and-behold it's Vile-it with her Auggie obsessed, Sydney is my mother, I'm going to blackmail Doc Mancini crazy which really fell short of the mark thanks to the acting provided. While I think the character is well written and had the possibility of hitting some decent marks, truth be told, Ashlee just wasn't able to cut it acting wise.

E: I'm totally with A on the straightening of the allegedly gay and bi characters. It is so disappointing that in 2009 networks are still running away from depicting gay, lesbian and bisexual characters as anything other than a tired cliche. Why? Are we really that boring and/or scary for the het majority? It's just pathetic. And on this show of all shows...

My biggest complaint, however, is the under utilisation of original cast-members when they have appeared, and the way that they have been written as two-dimensional, bitter, middle-aged men and women. Melrose Place has a very loyal fan-base that has continued long after the original show ended. Fans fondly remember the trashy brilliance that was seasons 2-5. I blame a lot of the initial success of Desperate Housewives on Melrose fans tuning in to see Marcia Cross and Doug Savant share a tv screen again. The producers of 2.0 have failed to capitalize on this and are now paying the ratings price. Pretty young wannabes who can't act their way out of a paper bag, and dull-as-dishwater plot lines don't make for must-see TV. Bringing back Heather, along with Daphne Zuniga, Laura Leighton, Josie Bissett and Thomas Calabro just shows up the young cast as pretty and untalented, and reminds fans of the original why, even at its most ridiculous, the original show was worth tuning in for. Failure to utilise that talent when the cast members do appear is nothing short of repeatedly shooting oneself in the foot.

There's alot coming up in the next few weeks that will give us much to talk about. From a flashback scene involving Sydney and Amanda to Sydney's killer being revealed and the farewell of Vile-it and Chef Auggie to a major 1.0 reunion episode involving Jane, Jo, Doc Mancini and Amanda! Keep watching this place!

Till Wednesday,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE TEN...

2009-11-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

Once again folks, sorry about the slight delay in posting. E found herself down with a hideous bug that not even a drinking session with Alison was going to fix. But now that the sneezing, aches and nose blows are down to minimum, we both have settled down with our Irish Coffees (thanks Alison for the recipe, btw) and it's time to recap!

E: DIVA MAGAZINE! Riley's rack is in a lesbian mag! I knew it! Jo shoots for dyke magazines!

A: Do lesbians like Rack?

E: For the record, this lesbian does not. This lesbian likes the photographer....and Sydney. I would happily bed either.

A: Good selections! Me...not so much for the rack. I'll take Caleb and Auggie..not too greedy I think!

E: dundundun...shoes...

A: Manolos?

E: Can't see red soles, so not Louboutins.

E: The Bitch is Back!

A: Good shoes, but bad skirt! Did someone put it through a paper shredder?

E: Bad skirt and bad plastic surgery!

A: Cripes! Her top lip isn't moving!

E: She's looking very Madam Tussauds...

A: All she's missing is an Asian tourist standing behind her working the peace sign with the fingers

E: I think we need to persuade Daphne Zuniga to give her a public service announcement on not fucking up your face.

A: "Anton V? More like Anton Y" Amanda, I just fell for you! She saw his doucheyness too!

E: Such a great line!

E: Sandra O is sharing her rack for a change.

A: She's trying to compete with... well...Rack!

A: Aww Davey boy bought her Macy Gray tickets.

E: Surely he'd be taking her to a Jay-Z gig? Or Amy Winehouse.. "They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no no no....not unless Sydney comes too."

A: Either way it's a dud date. He'd wait until you popped off to the toilet before stealing something out of your bag.

A: Ewww. A zipper dress?! Ella, you need to stop wearing the Jane Andrews oniginals!

E: I really want Amanda to pull Ella's zipper next time she gets pissed off.

A: Heather's frozen top lip is mesmerizing!

E: The capped teeth scare me.

A: So does her ultra-smooth cleavage!

E: Part of it is that they're filming her in soft focus. You only notice it when they cut between her and Ella. In spite of all their efforts, it still doesn't help her look any less scary.

A: The wardrobe department for this show must be reading our blog. Jonah's wearing a shirt. No slogan guessing for us.

E: Sadly yes, but have you seen the print of said shirt?

A: Barf.

E: Gay Matt would be embarrassed to be caught wearing that thing

A: Even back in the 1990's!

E: Wait-- if the W in WPK stands for Woodward, then does the P stand for Parker?

A: If it does stand for Parker, I'm sure they're repping numerous Vodka clients.

E: Absolut-ly!

E: Bikini rack time!

A: It's everywhere! Ok..Jonah makes Mojito's? He becomes less douchey when alcohol is involved.

E: Perhaps he's going to take over Vile-it's job at spiffyShooters?

A: Either way, Vile-it was never good with the drink making.

A: Speak of the devil....

E: I really wish they'd put her in Taylor Momsen style outfits for her last few episodes..that would be hilarious!

A: Hot outfits on a so-so character.

E: Let's see how many lame-ass movie titles they can fit into one Ashlee monologue...

E: "He's just not that into you"

A: "I Still know what you did last summer"

E: "You drive me crazy"

A: "Marley and me"

E: "Confessions of a shop-a-holic"

A: "She's all that"

E: "Knocked up"

A: Doing it this way means she'll remember her lines.

E: Nice launch party.

A: I'm liking Rack's dress.

E: But am I really supposed to believe that she wouldn't be wearing jeans to a jeans launch party? That's stupid. She should be wearing jeans and a sparkly top.

A: Apparently the launch party is for Rack and not "Real Jeans for real people by Anton Y"

E: Ok. Let's take a moment to discuss Jonah's plaid jacket.

A: And bow tie...he just earned his doucheyness back.

E: Davey boy is busting into Michael's Merc.

A: "Can you see what I see?"

E: Michael plays golf?

A: Nah that was left to Peter..he used the clubs as a cover while he was banging Sydney.

E: Ok Sydney in THAT top! I want that top sooo badly (Someone identify the designer please)!

A: I love how a 2 second flashback of Sydney shows that she really is so much hotter than the rest of the cast.

E: I think it showed Heather how a real lady can look at 40.

E: Bahahahaha! Sandra O looks totally baked!

A: She's got that 'Geeky best friend of a hot supermodel' look going on.

E: Apparently that get-up took her 5 hours...

A: 5 Hours?! So 4 hours of smokey time, 30 minutes munchies and 30 minutes in front of the mirror tripping out!

E: Hey! Our first token Brit Chick!

A: Lassie is channeling Liz Hurley and Sophie Ellis Bextor.

E: "Murder on the dance floor... you better not break the groove deejay..."
Cue lez-ploitation...

A: Yay!!! Ella got her penis back!

E: Why has it taken 10 episodes for Ella to get her dyke on?

A: And in a room with a wine rack wall? Class.

E: Aww Davey boy is cute!

A: Boy has waaaay to much free time.

E: He painted each one of those leaves by hand.

A: Well the thought is cute, but that shit is gonna be a bitch to clean up!

E: "Wait, did you break into my apartment?" Took a bit for the penny to drop.

A: So she's not so much with the "Hooker P.I" anymore.

E: Nah she's off duty.

A: So that's how guys get chicks...break in to their apartment, re-decorate and make a mess.

E: Yup, it's just that easy in 'het-world', apparently.

A: Aww Rack thinks Auggie slashed Sydney. She's totally un-friending him on Facebook now.

E: He's turning to drink. He needs it to sit through another scene with Vile-it.

A: He's the male Alison!

E: Auggie is Keith. He's gonna move to Seattle and whack himself over the phone to Riley and then Jonah's gonna go investigate and make a documentary about it, and be all 'raaaah! I will throw you off the scaffolding in my plaid suit jacket!

A: That'd be a cool docu!

E: I heart Ella's necklace!

A: Kinda Dykey.

E: Fuck yeah!

E: I wonder if Amanda's appearance was last minute? I'm missing her black roots.

A: Give it an episode! Was Amanda this vicious in the original?

E: Hell yeah!

A: So Ella is Amanda's Alison.

E: I think the writers originally wanted to pitch Ella as Amanda, but she wasn't up for the task so this way they've brought back Amanda and are letting Ella fill the Alison role.

E: Rack got fired from teaching.

A: Ooh total dundundun moment! Amanda totally called the school!

E: Guess she's gotta be a full-time model now. Cue Models Inc. Spin-off.

A: Better give Linda Evans enough time with Heather's plastic surgeon!

E: LMAO! Wait...we're missing Jonah's T-shirt with all this spin-off excitement!

A: What does it say?!

E: "Same shirt, different day...."

A: Oh. Yawn.

A: Someone trashed Syd's place...broken photo...

E: Amanda wants Syd's piano. She wants to know if she can out-do Syd's The Fabulous Baker Boys' impression.

A: Oooh wall safe?! In Syd's place?!

A: All that's inside is a note?!

E: "You will never find it." FUCKING A! best moment!!!!!

A: Wait! What will Amanda never find?!

E: Kimberly's wig? Amanda and Peter's 'home movies'?

A: Taylor's lips? Amanda is almost there you know!

E: Duuude! Whatever Syd has, it's in the missing basement! We were so right!

A: Well, we did say the basement would show up!

And that's all for now. Until next week...

Much love,

A&E

WATCHING EPISODE NINE...

2009-11-16T03:30:00.000-08:00

Guh...we do apologize about the lateness of this recap, but since we got wind that Amanda was heading back to town, we have been in a flurry making sure everything was in it's place for her return. Alison and her vodka have been boxed away under the stairs, Peter is hidden safely in the missing basement and Jane is still in her walk-in wardrobe trying to find her way out....so now that everything is in place, it's time to bitch!

E: I'm already bored by last week's preview.

A: Well except for the Sydney snipets.

E: Speaking of Melrose alums...Is Jo planning on coming back?

A: I haven't heard. I'm still on the 'Jo seducing Ella' storyline we came up with a while ago.

E: BTW, I'm well impressed that you managed to watch this epsiode earlier all by yourself.

A: I almost died doing it.

E: We should probably recap huh?

A: Errm, guess so...

A: So why are hot guys paying Sandra O for sex?

E: Kimber is trying to shield Sandra O from the reality of hookering.

A: Start her off with the Chace Crawfords and Robert Pattinsons and slowly move her down to the Mikey Rourkes and Steve Buscemis.

E: Oh we're in Pink scrubs now?

A: Yeah the pink makes her feel less whorey.

E: I really wish she'd wear teadybear scrubs like Zoey on Nurse Jackie.

A: Throw in the addiction to pills and we got ourselves a show!

A: Why does Jonah's T-shirt say "Life Coach?"

E: Hahahahahahahahaha! Yeah right!

A: Jonah you ain't Ava from Nip/Tuck...now that was a lifecoach!

E: If he had a sex change this might be more interesting though.

A: He/she would still be a douche!

***

E: "What would a boy do without his balls?" Ella is most classy here.

A: Making homos seem hetero...so not cool...though his pink wallpaper on his monitor is somewhat camp.

E: Indeed.

A: So this episode's hot young star is a German director?

E: I'd pay to hear Ella speak German!

A: Oh just wait! You'll be paying up! :)

***

A: Guh...now we are being made to work out what Jonah's T-shirt says in this scene.

E: I can't see enough of it. Anyways, I'm hoping that Riley lands in the can. A lesbian spin-off of her in prison might be somewhat watchable.

A: And Syd's old cellmate Bertha can make regular appearances!

A: "AFRIDERZANE" Ella + German = FAIL

E: OMG. He's meeting Michael Haneke!

A: Jonah is sooo Dawson Leery - minus the Steven Spielberg and the Creek.

E: I really hope they discuss Isabelle Huppert in La Pianiste.

A: This is Los Angeles, and it's Ella and Jonah. We'd be lucky to get something starring Isabella Rossellini.

A: "Dunka Shayne" gawwd Ella...at least attempt to speak German correctly!

E: LOLLLL. Das Lied. Iiiiih! Was fuer ein Arschloch.

A: Ok you need to stop! You're making me feel like Ella! Next thing I know i'll be saying "AFRIDERZANE"

E: Die gehen gleich ins Hotelzimmer.

A: "AFRIDERZANE!"

A: So David believes he is Amelia Earhart in this scarf yes?

E: Apropos of nothing, riding a Ferris wheel stoned is awesome!

A: Class.

A: We NEED to talk about the color of this dress on Ella. It's sort of Lime-Caca-Mustard.

E: Her bag is kind of cool.

A: It's being used to distract from the dress color.

E: I do like the cut of the dress though. Would look amazing in black.

A: Jane Andrews is always one step with her designs.

E: Alas.

A: Geez, Ella is not subtle! "You and me...yes! You and Rack..yawwwn".

E: We could see this coming from episode 1, yes? It follows the Biwwy/Alison Biwwy/Amanda formula.

A: Yeah, though Amanda just used her office while Ella is trying to book some hotel down the street.

A: Rack is AIMING

E: Riley's laptop is pink!

A: She needs to do a Karen Walker and type with her boobs.

E: And also drink vodka before 10am

A: And in a bathrobe

E: I think we need to give them new IM names

A: Riles17...the size of her rack yes?

E: Riles34DD.

E: Michael!! Syd needs to be alive. And shagging you.

A: Thats why he's gone soft on Davey boy.

E: Dear me. Now I'm even bored of this scene.

A: David is stunned by the lameness

E:I fell asleep.

A: You didn't miss much

E: David wants to get in Sandra O's pants.

A: It's gonna cost him.

E: Wonder how much she's gonna charge him?

A: I wonder how much Kimber takes?

E: 20% cut

A: See i was gonna say 15% house rules. Wow you'd be a richer pimp than me!

E: No. definitely 20%.

A: My whores would be less classy too.

E: I have like five cars on Mafia Wars!

A: I let my farm die on Farmville

E: You know this show is screwed when discussing facebook games is more interesting than two characters getting it on...

A: Yeah I just kinda noticed Sandra O and Davey smooching.

E: Thank God that's over..there wasn't even a 'Vile-it' mention! Well at least on Wednesday, if all else fails, I can spend the 45 minutes lamenting Heather Locklear's plastic surgery FAILs.

A: Omg totally!

E: She looked freaky on Conan...yuck.

A: One season on Melrose later she'd be looking all Jocelyn Wildenstein.

E: Or Joan Collins

A: Dear god.

Ah well...Till Wednesday

Love

A&E

Deja-Screw

2009-11-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

The way the powers that be are advertising Heather Locklear's return to Melrose Place, you'd think that every episode since 2.0's beginning was just foreplay....

And yes yes. We have missed Amanda, but we're also missing decent scenes between Sydney and Michael. And what's the point of bringing Amanda back without Alison or Billy or GayMatt, or Megan or many, many others? We know Peter's going to show up again, so at least there's that. But really. Courtney Thorne Smith's been on a shit-tastic show for seven years; it's not like she's choosey. Get her on board!

Because seriously, if we have to sit through one more episode about how bored Jonah's penis is of Riley's rack then we're going to rip off our collective wigs.

WATCHING EPISODE EIGHT...

2009-11-04T04:42:00.000-08:00

Ok guys, time for another recap! With Melrose on hiatus last week, we started to feel a bit lost (just like gay Matt's sex-life) and we found ourselves downing shots and causing havoc at Shooters until Jake called the cops on us. So with that behind us, it's time to bitch!

A: Oh oh, Dayglow teeth is back to illuminate our screen!

E: Jonah and his penis are trying to flirt with her Dayglow teeth

A: I'm confused...it's like she can't get enough

E: Vomit

A: Yeah right on her Dayglow teeth.

A: Another outfit that has been attacked by scissors! Jane Andrews is way off in believing this 'cut-out' look is in this season.

E: She does, however, have killer legs. I'm guessing it's all that street walking she does.

A: Look! She's fake interested.

E: I'm fake interested...in fact no, I'm not interested, at all.

A: Sorry what? I was hypnotized by her teeth.

E: "on a scale of one to total tool, where do I fall?" Fairly safely on the tool end, Jonah

A: I like how she took our advice and lost the Tina Fey glasses.

****

E: Um.... was Heather Locklear in the credits?

A: Not sure, I was blinded by the Dayglow teeth.

E: Cause I just saw "special guest star Laura Leighton'

A: Think it's not for a few more weeks.

E: But I want to see what they put for Heather "extra special guest star?"

A: "Returning for lots a cash extra special guest star"

A: Yay! Syd flashback!

E: Finally!

A: I love how she is totally cougar-stalking younger men in the graveyard!

E: HOOOOTTTTTTT!

A: Aww Jane and Syd's dad died.

E: R.I.P Mr. Andrews

A: That was very be-fitting.

A: Oooh Syd n David sex!

E: Oh how I wish this was HBO.

A: Oh that was short-lived. Ok not so much with the sex.

E: I feel totally cheated now.

A: We're left with a satisfied looking Syd though.

E: And now we're looking at a dissatisfied Jonah...

A: Does Jonahs T say "I have Seagulls"?

E: Seaglass?

A: semen?

E: Sea-men...it's the CW, gotta keep it clean! Wait, it says "I Hate Seagulls!"

A: Oh...how...um..boring.

E: See, I really like "the seagull"

E: Ahhh another Jane Andrews original on Ella.

A: This is from the new winter collection I think.

E: Short jacket, long wide pants...Jane Jane Jane.

A: God, another ex-basketballer trying to act.

E: Look at Ashlee behind him...pick who's worse!

E: So Ella wants Sandra O to forge some medical documents?

A: Total Gay Matt and Michael Melrose 1.0 Shoutback!

E: Though Ella doesn't have any dirt on Sandra O yet, to make her do it.

A: I'm sure she'll know she's a whore sooner or later!

A: Another Sydney scene!

E: Dear god. Total hotness of an outfit.

A: Jane Andrews definatley did NOT design that one!

E: David seems mega pissed that Syd was sleeping with his dad.

A: Yeah I think she said something along the lines of "That's not how your dad did it"

E: Ego-punch!

A: Rack and Jonah are talking about their most played on their Ipod..."Hot hot hot" and "Unchained Melody"?

E: I vote "Don't stop Believing" and "Like a Virgin"

A: I'm edging more 90's like Alanis Morrsiette and Garbage.

E: Sex addiction...Is it real? Did you see that ad pop up?

A: Yeah I'm tempted to ask David Duchovny about that.

E: Or Michael Mancini.

E: Excellent timing Jonah. You're at a wedding and you let it slip to your fiancee that you kissed someone else.

A: It's like "Hey babes...great wedding huh? By the way, I totally pashed another bird last night"

E: He's trying to make himself feel better by clearing his conscience. He's a real man.

A: Actually, I think he's bragging..bragging that there's another girl out there that wanted to kiss him.

E: Fuck.

A: Fuck

E: Syd has to be alive.

A: Shit, that can't be her blood ALL OVER him and that knife!

E: We have such high hopes for Syd.

E: Riley and her rack are concerned.

A: Of course they are. It's their first scene with Vile-it in quite some time.

E: Do you need a cold shower?

A: Tempted, but Auggie's toplessness is forcing me to sit it out. DROOL.

E: NO!

A: No no no!

E: She's not under that headstone!

A: Syd is alive dammit! If she's not, i'm loosing interest.

E: If we weren't recapping, I'd be fast forwarding.

A: Right...must go on! Oooh the portable bathroom!

E: It is quite mesmerizing, isn't it. Especially with the peach shower curtain.

A: The pastel color is calming.

E: Remember Alison's moon and stars bathrobe?

A: The blue and yellow one?

E: Yeah. That would make a great shower curtain.

END.

E: Is it wrong that I'm glad it's over? This one had about 5 minutes I actually enjoyed...all of them featuring Syd.

A: You know, even with the bloody body in the pool, the knife, the blood, the CSI style evidence board and the tombstone, I still hold faith that Syd is alive.

E: If she's not, why the fuck would anyone watch? I mean, Jane is supposedly the landlord, but we haven't seen her...

A: That darn walk-in wardrobe. She'll find her way out one day!

E: Jo is suuuuper interesting (and hot) and could make for really interesting storylines

A: Yeah she could hook up with Bi-sexless Ella. Jo could totally dominate her!

E: This I could get on board with.

...and that's all for now. Until next week...

Much Love,

A&E

"the curtain's gone down on act one..."

2009-11-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

Word on the street is that Melrose Place 2.0 is heading for a major shake-up. As old school Melrose fans, we'd like to suggest the following alternate stories for the second half of season 1, seeing how the powers that be are quickly wrapping up Syd's murder mystery, sending Ashlee to the hills and Augie down to Australia to be A's boytoy.

A series of episode summaries, if you will permit...

episode 12 - SISTER OF MY DISCONTENT
With the news that Vile-it has moved from the complex, the tennants are shocked to discover that Sydney is in fact still alive, faking her death once more to avoid having to do too many scenes wtih Vile-it. Sister dearest Jane Andrews finally finds her way out of her walk-in wardrobe and comes back to fight Sydney over ownership of the complex

Meanwhile, Riley and her rack discover a mysteriously locked basement door in the apartment building. Jonah decides to set up a hidden camera to find out what's really going on.

episode 13 - I'LL BE READY, DON'T YOU FEAR
Ella's got the PR coup of the century: repping David Hasselhoff's stint as American Idol's latest judge. Amanda and her bad roots can barely contain themselves, so she sets out to get Ella fired in the best way she knows how...

David gets caught red-handed stealing a Mapplethorpe print from Jake Gyllenhaal's house. With a dwindling bank account and a father who hates him, he figures he's up shit creek without a paddle. Fortunately for him, Michael's 7th wife has connections.

Sandra O brings some of her hooker business home. To hide her shenanigans from Sydney, she tries to sneak into the basement. The guy plays macho and slams the door down. Fade to black.

episode 14 - I'M FINE, YOU'RE SCREWED
Annie Lennox drowns out an artfully shot sequence of what's hidden in the basement; locked up for nearly ten years are Amanda's secret stash of boxes, bearing the labels "Peroxide", "Mini skirts for Wednesdays", "Peter", "Leopard-print bed sheets", and "Alison's ego".

Sydney's been getting good at playing the art maven since she started sporting a pair of Tina Fey glasses. Unfortunately, career success hasn't helped solve her personal problems. After yet another colossal fight with Jane, she falls off the wagon, and right into Michael's race-car bed.

Episode 15 - THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE PORN BUSINESS
Jonah decides that the only way he's going to make it in the movie business is if he moves into adult films. Sydney offers to put up the start-up capital for his venture. Riley offers to help with her rack.

Unfortunately, things aren't sunny-side up at Jane Andrews Designs. Since she's blackmailed Ella into forcing all her starlets to wear her shitty clothes, business has dwindled and Jane finds herself considering enlisting the help of Lindsay Lohan to create her new fall line.

Episode 16 - GRAND DELUSIONS
Back in doctor-ville, Sandra O is working off her tuition fee payments in one of the hospital's elevators, whilst her ever persistent pimp Kimber scours the UCLA med school for new talent.

Vanity Fair hires Jo to shoot Amanda for their February special: "Power Suits & Black Roots". Ella uses this chance to sabotage the shoot and seduces the retouching department into leaving the photos un-photoshopped.

episode 17 - THE DEVIL WEARS NOTHING
On an impromptu visit to the hospital, Sydney catches Michael giving Sandra O CPR. Distraught, Sydney goes to Jane for advice, only to find her spaced out on Aderall as she throws together her Autumn/Winter collection.

After having been scouted on YouPorn, Jonah films his first major picture. To celebrate, the happy couple decide to move their bath-tub into the living room.

Still seething with rage at Michael's low standards, Syd locks Michael into his own office and shows him why she really is a MILF.

And that's all for now.
Much love,
A & E

the cemetery club II

2009-10-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favourite redhead is back this Tuesday, sporting the grave-yard classics of little black dress, stilettos and shades, proving once again that the costume designers love the original cast members and hate Ella.

Is that vaseline on the lense?

2009-10-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we are both yet to sit down and talk about the news that Vile-it and Auggie will be leaving the show shortly (With vile-it gone, who are we gonna diss besides Jonah?!) a little twinkle has flown our way from the CW that looks set to give us MUCH to talk about!

WATCHING EPISODE SEVEN....

2009-10-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

Ok guys here we are, right on time for episode seven! The wigs are on, the vodka is in the ice bucket and the pool boy is...well, he's cleaning the pool.

A: Holy MEGA rack!

A: Wait....is 'Le Rack' unsuported? It's quite low today. Perhaps it is sad?

E: Jonah has aquired a British accent. He sounds even more of a douche.

A: That's what his T-shirt says this week.

E: Jonah's wearing mountains on his T-shirt in preperation for his meeting with Paramount. He's thinking the design will score him the job.

A: How subtle.

E: How....pathetic.

E: Oooh photoshoot time!

A: Gawd, someone is dressed for high tea with Strawberry Shortcake.

E: Yikes! Annie Hall threw up on her head!

E: How many different colour scrubs does Sandra O own?

A: Apparently eggplant is the new blue in scrubs.

E: Looks more pinky to me.

A: BTW - why is she wearing long jonhs under her scrubs? It's L.A for crying out loud. Poor gal must be swealtering!

E: Aside from that fact, I don't know any doctors who walk home in thier medical scrubs.

A: She's showing off.

E: Jooooooooooooo!

A: Joooooooooo!

E: I want to marry her....like instantly.

A: She's totally eye-fucking the rack.

A: "Ok, now turn left.." Jo is not so much with the posing directions.

E: She never was.

A: True, she's used to shooting passed out bums down on Melrose Avenue.

E: She looks great though.

A: Natural.

A: Someone should tell Jonah never to trust a man wearing purple...purple socks that is.

A: Seriously, whoever dresses Ella needs to be shot. I mean, the outfit is just horrible! It's a Jane Andrews original yes?

E: Well if you count one of her rejects as 'original' then....yes.

E: $10 says Jonah will end up banging her.

A: Holy massive shoulders! Man alive, I'm just going to assume that all the bad outfits are Jane Andrews one-offs.

A: Wait... Jo convinced her to get the rack out to breathe?!

E: Yup.

A: RACK! Side rack! hehehehe.

E: She did it! Jo got the shot! Riley just got interesting...you know, for a millisecond.

A: Oooh Angry rack.

E: Mostly I want to know why Jo's so pissed at the wannabe models....

A: Sydney is pissed, Jane is pissed, Jo is pissed, something is pissing off the Melrose originals.

E: I think that happened when they decided to cast Ashlee as spawn of Syd.

E: Dear God.

A: Her glasses annoy me.

E: They really don't suit her.

A: Total Tina Fey fail.

E: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

E: Is this Jo's house? Oh balls, David is stealing from it. I really wanted it to be Jo's.

A: Ooh Sandra O totally busted him! "Hooker P.I. airing Tuesdays on FOX"

E: Hooker P.I. and the case of the missing trousers.

E: We need more Jo. Where is she?

A: Classy Jo!

E: Hawt! Wait-- where have her dykey boots gone?

A: She got too much sand in them. Annoyed her.

A: I like douchey when he's dissin' Vile-it.

E: He's confused. 1+1=?

A: Blue?

A: Pimp calling Sandra O

E: Kimberrrrrrrr!

A: Errrrrm, sorry it's Wendi with an 'I'

E: Perhaps Sandra O is dyslexic?

A: Remind me never to get her to give me a physical then.

E: Ashlee is having fun playing with IKEA.

A: Vile-it is playing house...with all her...umm...friends.

E: More Jo! Be still my heart. They should play that Friendly Fires song: "Jump in the.. Jump in the POOL!"

A: She's back! Back at the mothership.

E: Mention Jake. She needs to mention Jake dammit.

A: Jonah is still with the shoulders.

E: And her day-glow teeth.

A: Sunglasses anyone?

E: Siiiiiigggghh. Over.

A: One episode with no Syd = Fail. Two episodes with no Syd = Epic Fail

E: But have you noticed how the original cast members always get great clothes? Except for Jane of course.

A: But that's in character.

... and that's all for now. Until next week...

much love,

A&E.

WATCHING EPISODE SIX

2009-10-20T03:47:00.000-07:00

Okay guys... we are both so very sorry about the delay in getting this out, but sadly A has been horribly sick and went to spend some time at the beach house with Kimberly till it passed. Needless to say Kimberly was very much the hostess with the mostess, wigs and all!

So here we go!

A: Before it begins, I need to state that I will now be referring to Violet as 'Vile-it'

E: I approve

A: So does the rest of the Melrose cast.

E: Starting an episode with Ashlee is like giving the viewer a disclaimer..."No good acting here if you were wondering, please move along".

A: Skip to a scene with Sydney!

E: Skip to a scene with.....anyone!

E: Oooh Michael is doctoring

A: Cue 'Grey's Anatomy' speak and ER Flashyness

E: Kimberly was totally better at the doctoring

E: Remember when TV doctors had pagers?

A: Oh that's very 1998...we're in 2009 now!

E: Yet more proof that Jonah sucks ass. I mean this is supposed to be an advert for high fashion, not an internet advert for vibrators.

A: My biggest issue with this is that I want to smack that bad boy mustache off Antons lip.

E: Jonah said 'bad' instead of 'sick' or 'ill'.

A: He must be....sick! hehehe

E: His vocabulary diversifies!

A: Gawd, whats with all the looser hats in this show?

E: It's a homage to Jessica Simpson.

A: Epic fail.

E: OMG that's a vile dress.
A: I liked it... you know 'till it turned around and the rope-back revealed itself.

A: I think Anton's 'real denim' range is aiming for a Wal-Mart clientelle.

E: H&M at best

A: It's just occured to me that Anton is channeling Ethan Hawke circa 1995

E: He reminds me more of Steve Coogan

A: Barf

E: Ok, why did Syd never hooker on a boat?

A: Her pimp had only middle-aged low income workers as clients.

E: These whores are very fashionable.

A: Too bad it was torn denim, fishnets and perms when Syd was doing it.

A: Aww man love flirting.

E: Gay Matt wants in.

A: They are talking basketball...or tennisball...some sport with balls... so lame making them talk hetero.

E: "I've been selling real denim using fake people." That would NEVER happen at D&D.

A: Totally. Alison would have been all over that shit.

E: Perhaps that's what is wrong. They need vodka.

A: And shoulder padded power suits.

E: Woah...Michel has been watching too much Nip/Tuck. He thinks he can pull a Christian in the bar.

A: I guess all he needs to do is say "Hey baby, I'm a doctor!"

E: What the eff is Riley wearing?

A: I'm guessing the kids took to her dress with scissors when they ran out of paint. And speaking of fashion...almost halfway through the ep and Ella is STILL in the same dress!

E: The producers are saving up enough money to bring back more 1.0 cast members.

A: Sadly, at the moment, all they can afford is Lexi.

E: They have used this boat in something else....it's really bothering me.

A: Speed 2. They replaced Sandra Bullock with Sandra O.

E: Poor Sandra O can't cope with the hooker stress. Feeble!!!! Syd would have totally flaunted it.

A: Big time! Bad Whore! BAD WHORE!

E: Hookerfail!

A: This is such an OMFG moment!

E: heeeeeeeee!

A: I totally squeed!

E: This is still not as good as when Michael fucked Kimberly in the back of his blue Saab.

A: Yeah I thought it was missing Michael ripping off her top.

A: My those are some PINK shorts!

E: Riley's rack has been raiding the sale aisle at American Apparel.

A: Riley's sweaty rack has been listening to Hootie and the Blowfish on the iPod!

E: rackPodding.

E: What do we think Jonah's hidden T-Shirt says?

A: 'I'm with Stupid' where the arrow is pointing up.

E: I vote "Battlefield Earth & Gigli & Basic Instint 2"

A: Woah...I think I just went straight for Riley!

E: Did the sheepskin do it?

A: I thought she had Falcor from Never Ending Story around her neck.

E: See, my lesbian self isn't feeling anything.....except boredom.

E: Kimber is NOT amused.

A: Hell no! Her whore went AWOL during a 'mission'

E: She has an awesome convertable and big costume jewellrey

A: Must pay good to have whores who do their job!

A: Oooh Vile-it is being all cray cray

E: dundundun psycho!

A: How cool would it be to find out that Michael banged Syd when she was in college...

E: God I hope so!

E: Overall thoughts?

A: So Sydney slept with Michael, then with his son David, then Michael sleeps with Sydney's daughter Vile-it?! A twist I can jump on!

...and that's all for now. Until tomorrow....

Much Love

A&E

We bitch: someone listens.

2009-10-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

So, we're just going to assume that someone heard our complaints and supplied us with a clip. If someone didn't, we're not excessively bothered either, because we got our way regardlessly.

Jo Reynolds does Annie Liebovitz:

We'd like to give huge props to Daphne Zuniga for resisting the plastic fantastic trend on American Television. She's in her forties and a total babe... a real one. That's HOT (Yes. We're talking to you Heather Locklear & Marcia Cross).

And we'd also like to say that we cannot wait to see Riley get her rack out. Bring on Tuesday!

"One bad ad can ruin your whole day"

2009-10-16T00:25:00.001-07:00

We're really sorry for the delay in getting our 'commentary' of episode six to you. Please don't acquire a drinking problem/ fire us over it.

In the mean time, we wanted to bring you totally awesome footage of Jo Reynolds on Melrose, but apparently the producers still don't seem to get that we only watch this show for the original cast members, so they 'accidentally omitted' Jo from the episode 7 preview. Now, that is a reason to fire someone from D&D if you ask us... So, until people rectify the situation, here's a promotional still of Jo being all photographer-esque.

Apropos of nothing: Jo pings E's gaydar in this pic. Anyone else?

Rack of....Riley?!

2009-10-13T04:19:00.000-07:00

With all our chat here about Riley's mega rack, I couldn't NOT post this image of Riley's mega rack in all it's glory. Here's hoping it comes back out to visit next episode!

WATCHING EPISODE FIVE...

2009-10-07T07:19:00.001-07:00

A: Ella isn't a pretty fake crier.

E: Ella's acting = shit. Syd = hot.

A: What is Syd doing for work these days?

E: Shagging.

A: Is Syd a talent agent?

E: Syd's an art maven. I wonder if she likes Damien Hirst....

A: She needs a pair of black rimmed glasses

E: Yes Please. Tina Fey glasses.

A: Insert missing theme song here.

A: has the bathroom moved again?

A: way sick....that hat is way sick

E: He looks like Pete Doherty

A: Minus the drugs

E: Violet and her goth eyes are trying to act

A: Not tooo bad at the moment. Maybe she's learning...

E: SYD!!!

A: Bitchy Syd!

E: Her outfit is awesome.

A: Freaking hot.btw I love that Syd has ANOTHER 'job' to add her resume.

E: "Look who's grown out of her Uggs and into her Manolos."

A: Bad manolos

A: oooh!

A: "Are you off to sign a client, or just have sex with one?"

E: That was a quality smackdown

A: LINE OF THE SERIES!

E: Sandra O and Riley bore me to sobs.

A: I think Riley heard us talking about her rack as it's well hidden.

A: I think she just poured herself an orange juice and forgot the vodka

E: Maybe not so much with the bartending?

E: Nicky Blume... couldn't they have thought of a better porn star name?

A: Yeah...something like Busty LaRoux

E: ok... Jonah's car = Billy's right?

A: Jonah's acting = Billy's yes?

A: Sandra Oh is hookering

E: um... isn't that the cop dude?

A: a whore who kisses?

E: She really did fail those classes.

A: come on Wendy...train your girls!

E: Shake yo booty Sandra O.

A: Move those lady lumps.

E: Cop's gonna teach her how to dance.

A: He's a stripper by night.

E: Or a pimp

A: Ahh Some slow motion and shes picked it up!

E: This is boring. Where's Michael?

A: Sandra O just looked latino.

E: She did.

A: ... and not satisfied.

A: Sydney is never bored

E: "I'm still angry."

A: Of course Syd is angry...there's no olive in her drink.

E: Dear God she's gorgeous... and needs a golden globe nomination.

A: Ideally a win.

E: She acts EVERYONE on this show off screen.

A: Why is Ella dressed for open heart surgery?

E: Also, why is her crotch an accessory?

A: It came with the clutch.

A: By the way - where is our fave new landlord?

E: Jane?

A: Yeah

E: I'm guessing she got stuck in her walk-in-wardrobe...

A: cue extravagant party

E: Perhaps when they're wasted they'll be less dull....

E: Jonah's been wanking off to CSI one too many times

A: I was thinking he was more a "Weeds" boy.

E: Umm since when is burglarized a word? It's burgled you twats!

A: Next they'll be saying ironical.

E: And nukular.

E: "Sorry I missed our shopping date. A cop's boner came up."

E: Ella's hair is channeling Rachel from friends.

A: umm.. should I know him?

E: Oh. he's the dude she fucked.

A: He killed Syd?

E: That's so lame.

E: I want an entire flashback episode.

A: I think we need one.

E: The 1.0 baddies were so much better.

A: Just not Betsy...she was eww.

A: Sandra O is swimming.

E: Riley and her rack are going jogging.

A: Everyone is so active.

A: Aww wet girl hug!

E: Now even Jonah's wardrobe is channeling Biwwy's

A: That's terrible! Not even a golfer would wear it and those are golf shorts!

E: "Stick with the rom-coms." Who writes this shit?

E: Kimber calling...

A: Jesus Kimber...BOOBS

E: "Hello doctor, I heard you enjoyed your patient."

A: Poor Sandra...way too stretched....studies, doctoring, bridesmaiding, whoreing...where will she find the time?

E: She'll recruit Violet in good time.

E: so... umm.. that episode was kind of so so. The Syd parts were awesome...

A: Kimber's boobs and hair were fabulous

E: Everything else sucked....

A: Especially Jonah's hat.

... and that's all for now. Until next week...

much love,

A&E.

"The walls have ears and they're mine."

2009-10-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we gave Tumblr a try and, cool as it might well be, Amanda would not approve of its lack of indexing with blog search engines and Alison would probably be on her third vodka if she'd spent that much time trying to fix its quirks. So, in true Sydney style we figured f*ck it, let's pack up the moving van.

So here we are on blogger. Bookmark us, bitches. And stay tuned for our discussion of episode 5.

Blondes have more fun

2009-10-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

Ella: “I’m the new queen bitch of Melrose Place, Amanda”

Amanda: “Actually Ella, you’re just a bitch in a bad pair of heels”

Jo Reynolds reporting live for CNN

2009-10-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Riley and her rack are all: “Hi Jo. We’re both so pleased to finally meet you,” and Jo is all “Bitch please… I’m like Christiane Amanpour with a see-through top.”

WATCHING EPISODE FOUR...

2009-10-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

A: Ella, when did sleepwear become classed as pool wear?

E: I’m sure Amanda did it first

A: it was probably in leopard print

E: although… perhaps we saw it first on Bai Ling?

E: JAAAANE!!!!!!

A: Jane Andrews?! What happened to Mancini?!

E: It’s nice to see that she still has the same diabolical dress sense. BTW, have we ever found out why Syd had a piano? other than to pull a “fabulous baker boys” impersonation on it.

A: I’m sure Syd always felt she was the Divine Miss M underneath all the crazy

E: Jane watched E!

A: go figure! I thought she was more a food network kinda girl

E: also, since when did Jane become such a bitch?

A: Around when Michael stopped fucking her.

A: Frame within the frame… Jonah and his big penis are trying to seduce Riley

E: Wasn’t the bath room originally on the right?

A: It’s portable.

A: Jane said “bra” hehehe.

E: I’m worried about Jane’s top

A: Too fluncy. flouncy.

E: But I want her pink measuring tape

A:So Syd had the baby in college?! She totally banged a professor!

E: She REALLY needed that “A”

A: It was a pre-med course.

E: Violet wants bail money

A: Let her rot

E: I’d quite like it if she never came back

A: She might meet her mommy’s bitch

E: She’s taking away from quality Sydney time.

A: Jane is once again in ANOTHER fashion crisis! things never change

E: omg. what the eff is jane wearing?

A: She just ‘put’ it together.

E: She fell into her closet, more like it.

A: I thought more a ‘FAIL’ piece from Project Runway

E: Reilly’s flirting with other more successful people

A: So she should

E: Perhaps they’re less dull that Jonah

A: Not perhaps!

A: Cops vs Violet….this is so painful to watch.

E: Cops acting skills 10. Violet’s acting skills - 4

A: Pain.

E: Somewhere, Darren Star is hurling popcorn at his TV.

A: ALWAYS ALWAYS get money upfront! It’s in whoreing 101

E: She failed that class.

A: Did she attend?

E: Actually, no. It clashed with “How to give and get ahead in med-school without paying 103”.

E: Rilley and her rack are home.

A: Safe and sound.

E: I wonder if there’s a Razzie for TV acting, because if there is, Ashlee has to be one of the front runners.

A: Jane will be eBaying Syd’s things yes?!

E: Wait? When did Jane have desperate attempts? I mean, for other shows it would qualify, but for Melrose, Jane was positively tame.

A: I think the angry in Syd has rubbed off.

E: Jane’s hair looks awesome here. I just wish she had, you know, better clothes.

E: This so reminds me of Syd and the hooker ring, except that Syd owned that shit.

A: ‘ till she got beat up.

BEAT.

E: Anyway. that episode sucked balls.

A: Yeah where was Syd?!

…. that’s all folks. Until next week…

love,

A&E.

blast from the past.

2009-09-29T03:47:00.000-07:00

WATCHING EPISODE THREE...

2009-09-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

E: Syd got down with her lesbian side at Valley State prison

A: oh totally…with someone named Bertha. She was her bitch.

A: “This is sick Ell!”

E: Speaking of sick, Ella’s bag is disgusting

A: So are the earrings

E: Violet is…..

A: Poorly played by an actress wannabe

E: Such a shit actress

A: Plus Syd wears that dress so much better

E: Laura looks way hotter in that dress

A: And she wanted to make sure of it too!

E: Indeed. MILF

A: Bet Laura was filming that scene going “Fuck you Ashlee”

E: Because Laura is a “real actress”

E: SHUT UP RIELY

A: She made him a mix CD!

E: yeah “of video game songs”

A: so 90’s and so nerdy.

E: How fucking pathetic is she?

A: He must have a big penis.

E: Why do the producers assume that we care about Jonah and his whereabouts? Until he goes to find Reilly’s stalker in Seattle, I honestly don’t give a shit.

E: This video sucks asssssssssssss

A: I kinda wanna Itunes this song though

E: Your little gayboy self needs to resist!

A: Ella is all work work work

E: And Reilly is all drink drink drink

A: See I believe the acting here..I believe Riley’s pain….

E: Oh dear. Allison just made out with Jake….

A: Aww. And then she barfed in her mouth a little

A: Lauren is looking a little Sandra O in her Greys Anatomy scrubs.

E: They’re going to shag in that lift by episode 7

A: Totally. Sandra Oh and Dr.Mancini sex

A: Alison’s name is spelt wrong! Geez Mancini, I thought you were a doctor!

E: ALISON!!!!

A: LOVE THIS MOMENT

E: I swear this is the greatest moment. It’s like a great big ‘come baaaaaaaaaaack!”

A: Yup

E: Everyone come back to the melrosian mother-ship

A: It’s a homing beacon.

… and that’s all folks. Until Wednesday, that is….

much love, A&E.